Apparently, I'm Dead.

[BigFatFanny]

I woke up this morning and casually checked my facebook feed, to find 12 messages from people I haven't seen in years telling me to rest in peace and letting me know how missed I'll be.

At 5:30 in the morning as I rose bleary eyed, the thought did cross my mind that i had in fact died and if I had, did that mean I could go back to bed?

Alas, after a swift pinch test, it appears I"m very much alive.

Of course I've posted a status confirming I'm very much alive and called my family to confirm I'm fine, and I've sent a few messages to the people who posted on my feed to ask why on earth they thought I died? So far, no replies but the day is still young.

This is what I've got so far:

As far as I can tell with the exception of 3, I went to school with the majority of the mourners and haven't spoken to them in years. The working theories are:

Me: There's been some form of school reunion and someone has spread the rumour that I've died without realising half the people there have me on Facebook. Motive remains unexplained.

DH: Someone is plotting to kill me and is testing the waters to see how many people would miss me...

DF: It's the government. No further explanation required, apparently

DM: Bad taste practical joke

DSis: Aliens.

I'm hoping to get replies from the people I've messaged ASAP and trace the source of my untimely demise, but not having spoken to most of them in years I'm not sure how responsive they'll be.

The suspense is killing me! (excuse the pun )

I wonder if Mark Twain had this problem too.

Anyone else wish they were friends with @BigFatFanny and Mr bigfatfanny?

Well that escalated quickly. And worryingly. Eep.

Your dh sounds brilliant. A spoof metal band.... where are these gigs?!?

toblerone I assure you we’re extremely annoying friends and barely tolelrable most of the time

Also, DH’s farts can clear and airport.

I started reading this thread with a cup of tea, most of which has been snorted out and have now had to change my top. Funniest thread I ever read.

@TobleroneBoo meeeee!!

The more you say about dh the more I luffs him! The Valentine gifts - genius!

Was thinking this earlier but now with the aggressive defensiveness even more so - she sounds SO like my sister (nc - the compulsive lying was one reason)

Accusing dh of pursuing/having an affair with her now is enough is enough territory. Fun though the thread has been, think dh needs to tell her to wind her stupid neck in!! And yes saving/printing the messages would be a good idea in case you do need to get authorities involved - and you've done that excellent.

Sorry for your difficulties with fertility

What are you trying to say falsepriest?

She's not delusional - she does at actually think I'm dead

😂😂😂😂🤯 oh dear lord. That posh just about finished me off!

I have just read the whole thread either laughing or saying noooooooo out loud. Family think I’ve lost the plot.

Anyone else considering checking the FB privacy settings on old school 'friends'

This gets darker and darker! She's been talking about One footed Viking DH for weeks!

I think that the only way to solve this is to go on Jeremy Kyle and get a lie detector to find out about the year 9 affair. You could then do a magazine sad face article.

I’d be somewhat concerned about a “friend” who’s apparently been listening to someone else impune my DH’s reputation for some time without challenge.

And if this woman has a reputation for making up stories, why was your friend so quick to believe that you’d died without further confirmation?

Not sure I’d be thrilled about that tbh.

SoupDragon

I'm starting feel that I'm missing out by not having a darkly-humorous, viking DH, number of feet irrelevant although detachable limbs must surely be a well of material for the darkly humorous.

totally mad, who would fancy DH??

Well personally I think he sounds lush!

"Anyone else wish they were friends with @BigFatFanny and Mr bigfatfanny?"

Me definitely. And I do love death metal (and other sorts of metal). I'd buy you both a drink after the gig. Or get you tea. Whichever you'd like most .

Can you tell us the rough area so we can look out for limb throwing spoof dead metal bands? I'm not a stalker honest guv.

blackamericano detachable limb is particularly entertaining if you detach it when he falls asleep on the sofa and hide it... watching a very tall man you adore hopping around the house swearing ‘where’s my bastard foot you sadist’ is excellent

Ok the whole thread has had me laughing but that “where’s my bastard foot you Sadist” has killed me!

where’s my bastard foot you sadist

I'm crying with laughter here, poor baby DS has just had diet coke snorted on him!