Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

[cunningstunnt]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the female version of Mr Bean. Went for a smear today. Nurse tells me to get undressed, lie on the bed and cover my modesty with the sheet. no idea why they tell you to cover your modesty when they're going to see everything anyway

She opens the curtain, looks at me like and says 'no you need to lie the other way'. Ummmm thanks for telling me! Cue me, legs akimbo modesty in the bin trying to swing myself round on my arse and getting caught on the paper sheet on the bed.

Literally every time I go for a smear something daft happens like this. Does anyone manage to sail through the experience with grace and dignity??

Please do not spend another second worrying about this, well done for going for your smear test.

Grace, dignity and smear tests don't really go hand in hand
I generally end up having a conversation about the weather while she's fiddling around down there, it's awkward for both of us.
She did once compliment me on the quality of the sample she took. I was oddly pleased!

Ha I did the same thing - but to make things worse, it was in A&E and the gynae had put the bed up high so i had to sort of swing my naked arse around at height whilst in agony!

Midwife gave me a 'surprise smear' a week after having horrendous forceps birth of ds ("might as well give you a smear now and you're good for a year" up it pops!). Apart from the shock and excruciating pain, she turned around to get a stick thing for the scrape- and the speculum * just slid out of my foof and clanked onto the floor.

• i'm abroad, totally different attitude here as to what they perveive they can and can't do. ** speculum/stick thing - can't for the life of me remember the lingo

I still hear 'clank clatter' in my nightmares

I live in Korea, and here they put a screen up around your stomach so they can't see your face during the smear.

Then they take the screen away and come and talk to you so it's not like they are never going to recognise you or something if they see you again.

But seeing a fanny AND a face at the same time? That is just too much.

I tend to clench unconsciously during smears, I once shot out a speculum.
Last time I went there were only single use plastic speculums, I managed to break it , the nurse had to fish the bits out and try it again with a new one .

I pass out every time i have one .
Im wating for an appointment to be put to sleep to have a proper one done .once i passout they stop and get a billion people in the room .

Its easier for me to point out who hasnt seen my fanny at doctors.
They now say its not safe to do like this so will send a request to have me put to sleep im so first time it happend they called an ambulance

Last examination I had I was in hospital and drugged up to the eyeballs on codeine and morphine, I was flat out . Turned into a 35 minute expedition (scan, swabs , speculum, examination, in out catheter) and every time they needed to do something else they had to wake me up again . I'm normally absolutely petrified of being examined to the point of hyperventilating/vomiting (hundreds due to abnormalities down there and surgeries) but the morphine made it so so much easier. I remember telling the doctor how lovely and kind and gentle she was

Smear's are never pleasant are they? A necessary evil one might say! A couple of years ago, I was having mine done and the Practice Nurse was trying to relax me and told me a story. A patient of hers had come for her smear and as was the nurse was looking through the speculum, with swab poised - the patient let out an involuntary fart. It came out with such speed, that its parted the practice nurse's fringe!!!
I always think of that story now and don't find them as intimidating! I even recite that story, so both nurse and I can laugh as its done! Hahahahaha!!

I've always been ok. Whip the old muff out, test done, bobsyer.

I'm too old to be embarrassed by anything much!

My mum told me after her last smear that the nurse had to keep trying bigger and bigger speculums, even leaving her lying legs akimbo while she left the room to get a bigger one from elsewhere.

I asked if she finally used a traffic cone, which wasn't well received

I had a smear & colposcopy lately- due to a series of unfortunate events DC (6) accompanied me. Awkward.

Anyhow, behind curtain, everything off, sit on bed - and when nurse reappears she looked horrified that I hadn't used the modesty paper to cover my lap - but, yknow, you're about to stare very hard at my vulva & insert things into my vagina do you can poke around - I really don't think a piece of kitchen towel over my pubic hair is doing much for the modesty of the situation! Her expression of slight outrage was quite funny, though.

Ah, indignities of being a woman.

When I first met my Obstetrician with DC1 she said 'nip up on the bed and I'll take a look'. I assumed she meant up my fanjo so stripped off. She came round the curtain and scanned me through my stomach. No nudity required.

We will put this on your tombstone, cunningstunnt.
Mine will have a brief account of that time I had a pee behind a bush, dropped my trousers and the hunt rode past, behind me.

NoSquirrels

I'm really laughing at that. Rummaging about your fanny is okay but a bit of pubic hair is outrageous

The nurse couldn't even find my cervix during my last smear

I wouldn't have thought it was hiding...

amusedbush she was in no way amused by my bush! Perhaps it was the au naturel unsculpted 70s fro she was shocked by

Some of these are so funny I feel much better now!

I used to be in a professional job (think lawyer or accounts type of thing).
The nurse appears and I'm thinking I'd seen her before, couldn't think where....
Only after she had rummaged in my foof and had to have a couple of goes fiddling around in there did it come to me that she was an old client.....
Mortifying

Thanks for posting this, a) because it is funny and you should not be embarrassed! And b) because you've just reminded me I needed to book in for my smear, so have done that. Thanks!

Not cervix-related, but did once (under the influence of major pain relief, I hasten to add) ask one of Italy's most eminent specialists if he knew his sweeping eyelashes were quite the most beautiful things ever to grace mankind.

And did he tint them or simply use mascara?

Still burn with shame at the memory.

I asked my husband to tidy up my public hair before I went for my smear. Never ever again, that night I discovered he had shaved a sort of goatie beard shape so there was a perfect circle of hair like a giant hairy polo.

Namechange, my cervix always faces my back and unless I tell the person doing the smear they will spend ages rummaging around for it, which is very uncomfortable.

So now I always tell whoever's doing a check that they'll find my cervix facing my back, same for when I went for a sweep when I was pregnant and also whilst in early labour, it helped a lot as I was right each time.

I have found smears a lot more painful post-menopause, and the last one at the GP surgery was a disaster - the nurse had to give up (I'll spare you details). So I got referred to the hospital. I decided the only way to get through it was to neck three gins in the hospital car park - I am not a drinker, so that was enough to get me half-cut. The full force of it hit me about halfway through the appointment, and they managed to complete the smear with me ranting to the heavens about Jeremy Hunt

thatluxuryspa I'm sorry but I'm crying with laughter at that.....

Most beautiful thing to grace mankind!!!!