Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

[cunningstunnt]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the female version of Mr Bean. Went for a smear today. Nurse tells me to get undressed, lie on the bed and cover my modesty with the sheet. no idea why they tell you to cover your modesty when they're going to see everything anyway

She opens the curtain, looks at me like and says 'no you need to lie the other way'. Ummmm thanks for telling me! Cue me, legs akimbo modesty in the bin trying to swing myself round on my arse and getting caught on the paper sheet on the bed.

Literally every time I go for a smear something daft happens like this. Does anyone manage to sail through the experience with grace and dignity??

She looked horrified. I totally forgot I had that many bruises

Not a smear but an internal ultrasound, been so used to whipping my pants down I had them off before she'd even told me to go behind the curtain.

Also not a smear but whole hog STI screening including a throat swab and blood tests and wee sample I managed to spill my little pot of wee down myself. First ever intimate exam, the doctor was lovely and very gentle, complimented me on my "beautiful vaginal flora." I relayed this information to my friends with pride and one replied "Oh, so it doesn't look like a dropped lasagne then? Well done."

I'm a practice nurse who does smears every day, and could tell you some corkers!

cunning your embarrassment is unwarranted - that's nothing compared to some I've seen

I have to ask; what is the glitter urban legend? And also, at the sex shop speculums - people use those things for fun???

Thanks Sidge. I'm a clumsy clown at the best of times and just shook my head at myself when I realised I could have just, you know, stood up (covering my 'modesty' of course) and repositioned myself the right way. Instead of attempting some forms of elephant acrobatics whilst staying on the bed

friend of mine went for hormone injection in her bum. very young and gorgeous Dr told her to go behind the curtain and lean on the table. she pulled her jeans and pants round her ankles and stood by the table. bent over with her chest resting on the bed. arse in the air. Dr came in said nothing did injection then quickly left. 6 months later she goes back for another. this time he didn't leave her. demonstrated how she just had to put her hands on the bed so her torso was bent slightly forwards. 10 degrees not 90 and pulled the waist band of her leggings down an inch. did injection job done.
I saw her 3 days later and she was still mortified at the previous porn star view she had given him!

Ok top mine. I am a midwife having a smear with a gp I know. She furtles around and comes out with , THE END OF A CONDOM. Cue convo re morning after pill.

I think you win the thread mayhew. Please reassure us it had clearly split before the wearer filled it though. That would just be eugh to the power of eugh!

GoldenHoops
I am crying with laughter and hoping my (male) line manage doesn't come over to ask what's wrong (he's a nice guy). The thread would be difficult enough to explain. Your post..... impossible.

I am proud!

I always wonder what they expect me to say when they say they can't see my cervix? Sorry, I left it in my handbag? Is there a mussel you can clench to make it appear like sticking out your tongue?

Yep also had this...
Nurse: I can't seem to find your cervix
Me: (in pain and somewhat snippy) Well it's DEFINITELY there!

@Goldenhoops I'm sorry I laughed too hard at this, is this where the name came from

when I went for my last smear I was somewhat bemused when the nurse said, upon glancing at my lower half, "Oh, I like that, so pretty!" I managed a somewhat perplexed/bemused/awkward "umm, thanks".... to which she replied "where did your get it done?"... she was talking about my (inner) ankle tattoo....

Had a smear last week. Forgot that the examination table was one of those that the nurse could raise so when I went to dismount I misjudged the distance from the floor and ended up there!

I farted in my midwives mouth. She let out a small scream and the other midwife was laughing so hard she was crying.

Hahah!! That made me howl!

My GP told me that I have a 'shy cervix' - I think she meant it was difficult to find. I often have various students invited to rummage in my fanjo for practice. I don't mind, I've been a student myself!

I was told by one experienced practice nurse that tilting my pelvis upwards can help the 'cervix seeker' find it!

My practice nurse is actually a friend. I was so worried the first time she had to do my smear, but after having lots of issues and lots of smears I'm OK with her.

My embarrassing thing tho was when pregnant with number two I had heavy bleeding and needed a check. In walked registrar on ward, and it was a lad from school who had always had a crush on me and I had turned down I don't know how many times. When he came in with his mining lamp and speculum etc I made awkward eye contact for him to joke 'oh so now you're willing to show me' he's lucky I like him and we became friends after :)

parted the practice nurse's fringe' I am crying with laughter.

My previous surgery had a poster of George Clooney on the ceiling you could look at when having your smear test done!
Why anyone would want to have sexy thoughts when having a smear is beyond me. Plus I felt like George Clooney was actually looking at my nether regions!

I once clenched so hard around the speculum thingy that the nurse couldn't get it out!

I once escorted my friend to have a procedure to have some pesky abnormal cells burned away. I promised her I wouldn't look down there, and was just there to hand hold (she's quite a nervous person). We were chatting away when the doctor started, and I happened to look at the screen just at the moment her whole downstairs area was on the rather large screen. I blurted out 'wow you have a nice vagina!' Not entirely sure why. Thankfully it made her laugh, the doctor had to give her a minute. Our friendship went up a level that day.

I had my first ever internal examination today and I've been mortified about it ever since and there was nothing exciting to report so this has made me feel much better

I think the consultant sensed my nerves and was trying to chat to me about my c section scar, to which I replied "isn't it neat" and he went on to tell me it was actually the worst keloid scarring he had seen and they could probably do something with it when I have the next one

I'm finding reading this oddly comforting. I hate smears and last time was made worse as I had booked it on a day when I shouldn't have had the dc, but both were off school/ nursery unwell, so rather than cancel I thought I'd take them. They behaved brilliantly, the nurse was shocked I had brought them which put me on edge even more than I usually am. I'm pleased to hear I'm not alone in my comedy smears!