Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

[cunningstunnt]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the female version of Mr Bean. Went for a smear today. Nurse tells me to get undressed, lie on the bed and cover my modesty with the sheet. no idea why they tell you to cover your modesty when they're going to see everything anyway

She opens the curtain, looks at me like and says 'no you need to lie the other way'. Ummmm thanks for telling me! Cue me, legs akimbo modesty in the bin trying to swing myself round on my arse and getting caught on the paper sheet on the bed.

Literally every time I go for a smear something daft happens like this. Does anyone manage to sail through the experience with grace and dignity??

These are making me laugh.

I always wonder what they expect me to say when they say they can't see my cervix? Sorry, I left it in my handbag? Is there a mussel you can clench to make it appear like sticking out your tongue?

Worst one was when I embarrassed laughed because I could feel the nurses eyelashes on my thigh. She said "wouldn't have thought you were the shy type". I assume due to an intimate piercing.

Crap, posted too soon .
The GP told me to take off my underwear and lie on my side. So I did. Except for some unknown reason i lay on my wrong side. Quite how i thought the doc would be able to squeeze between the wall and my arse to do the exam still baffles him. His face though was worth the subsequent mortification.
He retired the following month.
Thanks for these posts. I needed a good laugh today.

It is customary on these threads for someone to claim that the smear test/glitter spray urban legend happened to them or their mum/friend. Standards are slipping.

Still baffles me. I doubt his bafflement lasted that long.

Iheartdodo I had the same thing said to me! "you have a beautiful cervix"....riiiiight. What is the correct response to that?

did you think the contraptions for your legs to rest were for your arms

I've never had to put my legs in contraptions for a smear - only when I had a slightly different procedure at the hospital. Is this not normal?

I recently had to have a breast exam done and when the doctor checked round my armpits I became ticklish and got the giggles.

I always say something dickish when nervous.

I had been on a hen weekend in Amsterdam and we visited a sex shop. They sold the exact same speculums that they use for smear tests.

Why I felt the need to tell the nurse this I don't know. The room went silent. She didn't find it funny but I still carried on talking shit and asked if anyone would find a speculum sexy. She remained silent with no eye contact. I'm due another smear, I'm not going to say a word this time.

Better an eyeful of my vagina than cervical cancer, I always say 😂

Oh God why did I click on this thread, I am going for a smear in about an hours time!!

I am always told my cervix is tilted and high up which I apologise for my friend was told her cervix was in very good nick for someone with three children she was proud!!

syc4amore and dodo, me too! I wonder if we had them done by the same doctor I've been dining out on that comment for ages, I'd be devastated to discover they said it to all the girls...

Need to go for one and this thread is reminding me of why I am a coward.

I admit to passing out after having one after the birth of my second dd. Unfortunate, but I went to school with the doctor and he had a facial tic that made him look like he was winking at me.

Went for a mammogram recently and the nurse involved was so rough and grabby, it really hurt. I have never encountered anything like it before and felt ashamed. She made me feel stupid and said "How do you cope with a smear then" in a sarcastic tone. I have had children and operations and never experienced anything like this.

My sister is a midwife and believe me, being farted at full in the face is an occupational hazard.

The first smear I had after my conisation, I asked my GP how the scarring/healing was looking.

"Ooh, it's like you had a plastic surgeon up there."

Roomba

I'm howling at the image of you lying there with a spotlight from Wembley pointed at your bits

'a perfect circle of hair like a giant hairy polo.'

During one of my smears the nurse was doing the usual small talk but was saying how pleased it was a lovely day because she really needed to get out into her garden to trim her bushes. Something of a word association going on there...

I think the face /fanny thing is a thing - i had one letter inviting me to a smear test that said 'you may wish to wear a full skirt to preserve your dignity'

I had my 1st (routine) mammogram last year and the procedure made me very ticklish - I tried to keep the laughter in but it came out like a cry, at which the nurse asked me if i was all right. I nodded but from then on in i kept bursting into sniggers. The nurse was not amused!

I farted in my midwives mouth. She let out a small scream and the other midwife was laughing so hard she was crying.

They're both great friends now and they've told me of far more embarrassing things that have happened.

I had a smear after giving birth (a long while after, not right after).

Like another poster, the nurse says "Oh I'll just have to get a bigger speculum". So she leaves my fanjo to air while she hunts around. Finds bigger one...also no good.

I suggest maybe try two of the small ones together (as a joke) and she replied totally straighfaced "oh no, they won't do at all"

Just how big is my vag? I mean, should I offer it up as an alternative route on the tube?

I saw someone in the supermarket that I knew I recognised from somewhere but couldn't think where -so cheerily said hi, how are you? whilst rushing past to avoid the awkwardness of a conversation - like I was really pleased to see her but was in a hurry so couldn't stop.
Then a bit later I was pushing my trolley down an aisle and saw they were coming towards me - no escape - I thought oh no how embarrassing ...then realised just how embarrassing - it was the Dr who had done my smear and fitted my coil. (we just nodded to each other - me blushing furiously)
I often wonder if some of these HCP also cringe at what they have said.

My mum's - naked from the waist down and heavily pregnant with twins (my siblings) just before Christmas - the Dr examining her said he hoped his turkey looked as good on Christmas Day .... seeing her look puzzled he then said 'I mean as plump, well rounded ' ....which at least explained he was talking about her tummy...not her fanjo...

The nurse who did my first one is one of my mum's friends. I was 19 and mortified as her distraction chat was asking me how the family are.

My last one hurt so much I was shouting and crying like a baby. . The nurse kept saying 'don't worry, it happens a lot' but she was definitely giving me kind of face. After she had finally finished she said 'I can see now why you're 10 years overdue a smear'.

Once , I forgot to take my knickers off. Gp was affronted !

I went for one after doing lots of pole fitness and aerial hoop. These were my legs at the time. I left with a card with a DV hotline number despite my protesting it was just pole fitness

That's pretty impressive Ollivander84

My lovely GP was talking me through my first smear after giving me diazepam. She mused that some people found that they relaxed if they thought about their favourite sexual fantasies, "so you could try that, but for the love of god DON'T TELL ME ABOUT THEM!"

Apparently a woman had once given her way too much detail...