Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

[cunningstunnt]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the female version of Mr Bean. Went for a smear today. Nurse tells me to get undressed, lie on the bed and cover my modesty with the sheet. no idea why they tell you to cover your modesty when they're going to see everything anyway

She opens the curtain, looks at me like and says 'no you need to lie the other way'. Ummmm thanks for telling me! Cue me, legs akimbo modesty in the bin trying to swing myself round on my arse and getting caught on the paper sheet on the bed.

Literally every time I go for a smear something daft happens like this. Does anyone manage to sail through the experience with grace and dignity??

Public hair indeed, obviously pubic.

I am crying with laughter at some of these posts.
Like most people, I hate going for smear tests but so it anyway. I will try to remember this thread next time i go to lessen my anxiety - particularly the traffic cone comment

My last one was at the hospital. Two nights before I had sustained an almighty black bruise that covered the whole of my inner thigh slipping on a wet floor whilst slightly very drunk. The look on the doctor and nurses' (yes there were two) faces was and I had to do some shameful explaining

I'm a mess down there after ds. Last time I had a smear I sprayed pee everywhere then burst in to tears.

Dont worry op, the nurse won't have noticed. Smears should be done mid cycle so the cervix is in a good position for getting the cell samples. I have had no issues having my smears done. (No dtd 48 prior. Lie on table, knees up and let the legs flop out with your
Ankles/heels together.) It was a little uncomfortable but not excruciating. Childbirth was a million times worse even with medication.

I had a smear for the first time recently (don't judge on not going before please, at least I've been now ) and the nurse was very lovely about it all. I did feel a bit of a prat lying with my fists under my arse cheeks to get the angle so she could find my cervix, but I can only assume that said cervix is as shy as I am.

When my mum went for a smear about 20 years ago, the nurse had the following conversation with her:
N: "I thought you said you had children?"
M: "I do - just the one, a daughter."
N: "Caesarian by any chance?"
M: "Yes..."
N: "I thought it must've been - this has never had a baby through it!"

My mum didn't quite know what to say to that when she was naked from the waist down and lying legs akimbo!

"...It came out with such speed, that its parted the practice nurse's fringe!!!"

"...that night I discovered he had shaved a sort of goatie beard shape so there was a perfect circle of hair like a giant hairy polo."

Oh God, you lot are brilliant

My first smear, the GP told me that my cervix looked healthy. Didn't quite know how to respond to that, so said 'thank you'.

I had mine recently and at a quite moment said 'I'm not enjoying this' quite firmly. I wasn't there to enjoy myself or expecting too so who knows why I said that!

Elquinto I hoped you complained! A week after a forceps birth, I'm pretty sure nothing should be going up your foof! Hope you recovered ok.

I asked if she finally used a traffic cone

his sweeping eyelashes were quite the most beautiful things ever to grace mankind

a sort of goatie beard shape so there was a perfect circle of hair like a giant hairy polo

I am dying
This thread just keeps on giving! Wish I had something to add

I had to be examined in hospital when heavily pregnant. The registrar aked a midwife to bring 'the light' through so he could see what he was doing. So far, so normal...

She came back in wheeling the largest torch I've ever seen in my entire life, balanced on a trolley. Honestly, it was about 3 feet wide! He pointed it at my nethers, turned it on and that was it - I just cracked up laughing and couldn't stop at all. I was practically convulsing and tears of laughter were pouring down my face. It looked like they were about to explore a chasm to the centre of the earth or something .

The doctor was unable to examine me, as I couldn't keep still enough. They had to give me half an hour to calm down before trying again. My ex just sat there looking at me like

My worst smear experience? the practice nurse explained she had a trainee and would I mind if she did my smear. well I know they have to learn somewhere so said yes, and added jokingly, just as long as this isn't the first time you've done one (hahaha). trainee looked me in the eye and said no, I've done quite a few now . So I hopped onto the bed, and the oh so experienced trainee said " Hold on a minute Viques, I'll just raise the back rest up for you," and promptly sat me upright!!!!!

I should have made an excuse and left.........

Ah! Think I've figured out you were pointing the wrong way. On first reading I thought you meant you were lying on your tummy and I was thinking even Mr Bean isn't that daft, though why Mr Bean would be having a smear test anyway is another question altogether.

I went for a smear and the nurse proceeded to retrieve a glittery micky mouse sticker from my bits.

Seems it became stuck there just prior to me leaving the house- I'd had a bath to prep myself up and then went into DS's bedroom to get ready as the mirror in there was better.
Sat on the floor moisturising my legs and obviously sat on a discarded micky mouse sticker.

Once my pubes got caught in the speculum.

The last one I had the doctor told me I had "a beautiful cervix". Not surprisingly I replied with "well nobody's ever said that to me before"!

I teach so I'm waiting for the day I get an ex-student doing mine!

HerOtherHalf yes my head was at the wrong end of the bed... I wasn't face down with my arse in the air

So, if your head was the other way around, did you think the contraptions for your legs to rest were for your arms?

The nurse was testing the speculum by opening and shutting it and it just reminded me of a hungry hippo . I Couldn't stop laughing. Had to rebook for another day in the end.
Another time was just after valentines day and after a few wines we got a bit frisky and he shaved my pubes into a heart shape. Forgot all about it and went for my smear. The nurse asked could she have a few students in as I was a HCP and would understand how vital teaching was. I agreed and in trooped 10 medical students who stood in a semi circle round the edge of the bed. At that point I remembered the muff topiary . I was desperately clinging onto the modesty blanket trying to cover the obvious heart shape, while she was tugging away trying to lift it up. Not my finest moment in furthering the education of our future doctors

Last one I had the nurse had to go for the next size up as "Your cervix is long and slim"
To which I replied "Well at least one part of me is"

Hahahaha it was just at my surgery so there was literally just a bed! No leg arm contraptions!

Totally something I would do though.

I tend to sweat when I get anxious - like when nurses are shoving speculums up me!

So I always end up with half the paper sheet sweat-stuck to my bum cheeks which I need to pick off before I get dressed. I don't think I have ever styled it out convincingly

Not a smear but some time ago i had to have a rectal exam at the GP

God I love you all.