Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

[cunningstunnt]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the female version of Mr Bean. Went for a smear today. Nurse tells me to get undressed, lie on the bed and cover my modesty with the sheet. no idea why they tell you to cover your modesty when they're going to see everything anyway

She opens the curtain, looks at me like and says 'no you need to lie the other way'. Ummmm thanks for telling me! Cue me, legs akimbo modesty in the bin trying to swing myself round on my arse and getting caught on the paper sheet on the bed.

Literally every time I go for a smear something daft happens like this. Does anyone manage to sail through the experience with grace and dignity??

It's when the doctor who was having a look down there slowly popped his head up not unlike a mearkat talks as if it's all ok

I had the most horrific smear test done nigh on 12 years ago. It was so traumatic
I haven't been back
I swing between the fear of what happened and the fear of dying of cervical cancer
It's seriously damaged me I think

When I was having a coil fitted I thought it was all over and started getting up off the bed. Nurse puts her arm out to push me back down saying 'hang on a minute we have to take the speculum out'. I'm not sure if it was worse that it may have looked like I wanted to take it with me or the truth that I couldn't even feel it was there

Ah, laughter is good for the soul! Thanks, all.

What a brilliant thread cheered me up no end thanks ladies

When I had my last one it happened to fall on my birthday ..... my husband came with me. He sat behind the curtain. Nurse asked my name, date of birth ect.

Nurse: oh it's your birthday today.

As she gets on with it, my husband starts humming "happy birthday to you"

The nurse had to kick him out as I couldn't stop laughing.
He told me earlier in the day he was going to do it but didn't think he was serious or had the guts.... I was wrong.

I had a colposcopy a few weeks ago and as I'm lying there, legs akimbo, the nurse said "ooh look at that!" Now exclamations of surprise are not what you want to hear from a woman who spends all day with her head up women's bits. She then said "do you mind if I bring in a couple of students?" and trotted off to find them! Turns out, at 44 I have the cervix of a childless teenager and she told the students it was "quite rare and quite beautiful". Never have I been so mortified and so proud simultaneously!

thanks all i havent laughed so much in ages thanks again to you all for stories

Not quite the same thing, but up there for embarrassment - my next door neighbour is a practice nurse.
She told me she had a female patient in to have her coil checked, because "it had moved, and her partner could feel it".
My neighbour's doing the necessary while the patient, lying there legs akimbo, suddenly whips out her phone and show her a photo of her partner's (l'm groping for an appropriate word here) manhood, complete with scratches on the end from the coil.....

Ungoogleable I've had that with a doctor , the guy seemed clueless. Nurses refused to catheterise me as urethra is in an awkward position making it difficult, so this doctor came bustling through saying he would do it. Assumed position and he said , 'I haven't a clue what I'm looking at, I'll just prod around and you tell me when I'm in the right bit.'

He then proceeded to anaesthetise my clitoris and catheterise my vagina.

Medical student took over whilst apologising profusely, I really should have said no as soon as he said he didn't know!

The nurse at my last one was telling me that she'd seen a patient the day before who didn't want to take her jeans off to have hers!

Just remembered...

When I was pregnant with DS I had some early bleeding and had to go for a scan at the EPU. They asked if I minded a student doing it, not at all, student is a bloke, that's fine.
So he covered my modesty as it was an internal (with a big dildo probe!). He obviously didn't want to look and thought he could just shove it in but missed and ahem ended up in a hole slightly further back! Cue a quick 'wrong hole' comment from me!
Had a tricky pregnancy and everytime I was in hospital I saw him!!

My last smear she ran the speculum under the tap and tried to force it into my vag but it wasn't particularly going in well. "How old are you?" "er, 48?". "Your cervix is tilted the wrong way!!" [said in a style which intimated that it had done it on purpose JUST to make her morning more difficult than she wanted it to be]. And to boot, I'm clearly an old dry fannied woman who should be oozing natural lubrication at my smear tests in order to make her life easier!

Thank God, I've never shot the speculum out or anything - kinda wish I'd been able to do it on demand and shot it out at her head, she how she liked that!

Last time I had a smear I walked in to the clinic and came face to face with a mum from school! Didn't have a clue she was a practice nurse!

Some of these are so funny I can't stop laughing

I went to the hospital for a smear/biopsy and was sat semi-upright in a chair with stirrups and the consultant was sitting on a stool between my legs (as you do) put the speculum inside me and I immediately shot it back out and he caught it! I was totally mortified but he was really calm and he told me not to worry as it happened all the time but when I looked at the nurse she shook her head no, she was laughing so much she couldn't speak! Then the consultant got up and walked out of the room(to compose himself I think) It was all ok in the end though!

Hysterical thread.

A very long difficult birth with my last child left me with a prolapse and mild urine incontinence. I finally plucked up the courage to mention this to my gynacologist while he was giving me a smear. He did something then asked me to cough hard. I instantly peed on his shoes . We live in a small town and I still see this man regularly, at the supermarket, bank, airport.

As a result he referred me to physio which consisted of her sticking a probe up my nether regions which caused my muscles to contract and relax. Small town so she knows I'm a therapist. For the entire 30 minute appointment, while she is holding the probe up my vagina, she proceeds to off-load about a very difficult personal situation she had been dealing with. Oddest therapy session I've ever done

Was discussing this thread with SIL, who told me to share this:

Mid-examination of piles (8 months pregnant), mortified when painter/decorator's radio in adjoining office segued loudly into Sir Mixalot:
"I like big butts and I cannot lie..."

To which the locum drily remarked:
"He'd do well in proctology, then, wouldn't he?"

Friend and GP were both laughing so hysterically that a concerned practice nurse came to check everything was ok!

First ever smear a few months after DD was born. Nurse asked me If I had a c section, which I had. I must be tight down there.

Smear test last year, the speculum snapped inside of me.

A nurse friend said she did a smear and the speculum shot of the patient like a rocket and hit the opposite wall.

Went for my 1st smear aged 17 in the middle of winter. Batty old nurse at the practice kept the metal speculums wrapped in tinfoil on top of the radiator. Nearly leapt off the bed when she shoved it in. A burnt fanny is not something I ever thought I'd experience!

At my first smear, the nurse asked me what I could tell her about my cervix. Strange to be tested, I thought, but I was a bit nervous so I just went with it.

"I think it opens up to let a baby out like a valve or something. Is it a mucus thing? Err... Oh! Something to do with orgasms?"

"Yours specifically, Miss Staker. Anything of note I should know about your cervix?"

Wtf did she expect me to know about it? . I couldn't even blag that.

My first ever smear when I was 21 in the mid 2000s. I lay back, looked at the ceiling, and there looking back at me was a poster of George Clooney- the nurse said it was to help women relax

I had some bad cells lazered off, during I closed my eyes and was trying not to think about what they were doing. Nurse held my hand and said "are you ok?" So I went "yeah, just imagining how much easier it'd be to have a penis"

Queue silence, not even a fake laugh, could have died. She even let go of my hand

Last smear I was told I had a very 'neat cervix'. Like other posters I was strangely proud. I like to think of it as 'preppy'.

at least something about me is neat

My 3 year old accompanied me for a smear years ago and seemed totally unfazed by it.

However on the bus he suddenly piped up, "Mummy, why did you take your knickers off for that lady?"