Embarrassed myself during cervical smear

[cunningstunnt]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the female version of Mr Bean. Went for a smear today. Nurse tells me to get undressed, lie on the bed and cover my modesty with the sheet. no idea why they tell you to cover your modesty when they're going to see everything anyway

She opens the curtain, looks at me like and says 'no you need to lie the other way'. Ummmm thanks for telling me! Cue me, legs akimbo modesty in the bin trying to swing myself round on my arse and getting caught on the paper sheet on the bed.

Literally every time I go for a smear something daft happens like this. Does anyone manage to sail through the experience with grace and dignity??

I am lucky smears don't tend to hurt me so I am pretty relaxed about them. The GP who was doing it though seemed very stressed. He was having trouble and asked me to relax, so I said, in a friendly way, I am relaxed. He then insisted I should relax, and he was a bit annoyed, so I clenched the squeezed the speculum to the floor (years of horse riding finally came in handy!). I then told him that was me tense.

HelsinkiLights,

"My previous surgery had a poster of George Clooney on the ceiling you could look at when having your smear test done!"

Awkward if Amal decided to have a one-off check done there, then.

I've had so many people rummaging around in my bits and pieces over the last 2 years of infertility treatment, and am so used to having speculums and catheters up my vag and womb biopsies taken that I automatically start to get my kit off just to save time. I went for my smear and the nurse was aghast as I started to get undressed before she'd pulled the curtain round me

I had a follow up at the colposcopy clinic and had to laugh when the consultant asked if I was OK with speculums. I was thinking, mate, if you give it here I'll do it myself if you want!!

(I was doing IVF because I wanted to have a baby - if I couldn't hack a speculum then presumably I'd be in for a rude shock if I was lucky enough to be able to get and stay pregnant and get to the point of labour!!)

I'm also so used to being examined that I don't even bother unfolding the sheet, I just plonk it over myself in a vague nod to modesty

Except that when my consultant had to thread a catheter very carefully through my cervix and slowly infuse a syringe of medication into my uterus, it turns out that HE quite wanted a bit of privacy, so he unfolded the sheet and draped it over me, presumably so he could work in peace without my ugly mug grinning back at him!

Smears never really bothered me in the past but this pregnancy I've had a cervical stitch in. I nearly jumped off the bed my last examination the fecker hurt.

I was a bit when the surgeon/consultant decided to tell DH he couldn't have sex for two weeks afterwards. Silly me thinking I had some say in such matters.

Like a PP said though better a bit embarrassment then cervical cancer although I massively sympathise now with women who find them painful!

Oh and for embryo transfer you have to have a full bladder - before my first transfer I was told to aim for medium full. I overshot this slightly and ended up cross eyed

Things were running late and I was about ready to explode - so a nurse let me go and have a wee, but gave me a cup and sternly told me I was only allowed to empty enough to fill a quarter of the cup and absolutely no more.

By the time I'd clambered into the stirrups I was just desperately trying not to pee on the Dr as he cranked the speculum open and squirted a potential human through my cervix. DH could see the ultrasound monitor and said all you could see on screen was this MASSIVE full bladder. As soon as it was done I absolutely leapt off the table and ran to the loo (after being reassured I couldn't pee the embryo out)

For my second one I remember asking my Dr if anyone had ever peed on him during embryo transfer (as he jammed the ultrasound transducer down right on my bladder). I was just hoping not to be the first one!!

At my last smear I'd chatted with the nurse about how uncomfortable and stressful I found the whole experience. She was elbow deep (or so it felt) and trying to put me at ease by chatting...
'Are you doing anything nice later?" She asked
"No, I'll probably just go home and lick my wounds in private" I replied.
She stopped what she was doing and just looked at me. That knowing kind of look.... I was beetroot red.

I had part of my cervix lasered away thanks to cervical erosion. To do this, I needed to be "grounded" by having a massive plaster stuck to my thigh which had wires attached and would mean I wouldn't be electrocuted. The procedure took place, (has anyone ever smelled their own cervix burning?) and I had to have the sticky patch taken off. My gyno ripped it off, turned around and said "you said you're going on holiday in a few weeks? That's one less bit of leg you'll have to have waxed". THANKS MATE.

Not smear related, but I embarrass myself with my own tittishness, I have to get this out there.

Was showering just now. Got out of shower, needed toilet quite urgently (pre-drying body) so just plonked myself down, did what I had to do. Now remember I am dripping wet. The toilet seat is rapidly turning into a Slip n Slide as I sit there. Before I could finish the toilet seat got so wet and slippy that I ended up losing balance. Ended up throwing myself off it, spraying piss and general shower wetness on the floor. Got up to continue, landed awkwardly on the (still wet) toilet - sort of side ways? almost like I was doing the splits? and slid off AGAIN, this time with a bruised ego fanny.

Why.

"I teach so I'm waiting for the day I get an ex-student doing mine!" my community midwife in both my pregnancies was the mother of a girl who I had taught for several years, including a-level (when you teach them loads and get to know them quite well). Had seen her many times at parents evening, often discussed her daughter during midwife appointments, etc. All well and good in my first pregnancy, but in my second I ended up having two sweeps. I was glad that by the time I came back from maternity leave the girl had left for uni!

My cervix is apparently awkward to get to, so it's invariably a bit of a faff. Last time the nurse resorted to calling "Come on then. Out you come. Stop hiding" up my fanjo, in a nauseating voice as if she were trying to coax a kitten down from a tree. Just mortified.

For my first ever smear aged 16 (I know, I was 'active' rather young), I had a student observe, with an angle poise lamp illuminating my hoo-ha.

More recently, my practise nurse happens to be my boyfriend's sister. It's always weird to know that both of them have been up my fanjo. I wonder if she thought of that when she was rummaging in there...?

As for other invasive procedures.. after having gynae surgery, I had to have several in-out catheters. First nurse didn't have a clue, and I had to actually tell her she was sticking it up the wrong hole and she wasn't going to get any urine out of my vagina. A nurse. In a Gynae ward.

Nonibaloni. Well I don't know that clenching a mussel would help your cervix to appear. Now a whelk maybe.......

At my last one which was earlier this year I had told the nurse about my merena coil so she was aware it was there. As she was pulling out the speculum thing it must have got caught on the coil threads and half yanked it out which bloody hurt. She then tells me there's no one in my Doctors surgery anymore who can take it out/fix the situation whatever even though I got it put in there so I had to go to a family planning clinic.
Booked apt over the phone for later that day, nearest clinic is in a different town 30 min away, told them what apt was for, Got there and that nurse could do it either, despite me having said when booking what it was for.
Was in complete agony so ended up spending over half a day in hospitals/ doctors to finally get it removed!

alexa I was hoping no one noticed that! When I spotted it it conjured up and image of a live, open mussel and then i felt a bit queasy.

Noni

You mean you've never had a cockle up there?

At my first 6 week postnatal check after having dd, the doctor cracked on and I shouted out in pain. She said "think I'll try the smaller speculum instead".

I was like "there's a smaller one??!!!"
So now, at every single smear I've had since, I always say please can you use the smallest speculum. They can always go up a size if they need to.

I'll just leave this here.

My dear friend (many years ago) had never had one and went for her first. The GP (local rural docs was also a family friend. He calmed her nerves and said 'just pop behind the curtain and get undressed and ready'. She was a bit naive and was in a tizz, didn't really understand what he meant, so you can imagine the docs face when he pulled the curtain back and she'd stripped completely stark naked and was just lying on the bed....

Apparently my cervix curls back on itself a bit due to my contraception...this makes me imagine it looks a bit like a Venus fly trap ready to ensnare its prey.

Omg I had a polyp removed very similar to smear only they twist and remove polyp I had 2 male midwives morto doesn't begin to describe it.

Crying with laughter at these, so funny. Good job we can all have a laugh about it.
Jeez, vintage ice cream scoop

To reassure you all that the men are just as bad...

I once chaperoned for a rectal exam. The doctor very clearly asked him to pop up on the couch and bend his knees a little like he was going to sleep.

We pulled the curtain back to find this gentleman with his trousers and pants down, bent right over the couch with his hands pulling his bum cheeks apart

Doing a transvaginal ultrasound.. turned round to see the woman on all fours on the couch.. she thought it was done "doggy style"

Op.. they'll never remember your name or face but the actions. You won't have been the first and most definatley not the last!!