to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

Rumble it was all a bit strange, I had pre-eclampsia and had been having blinding headaches, losing my vision then going in and out of consciousness so I was induced as an emergency and no-one really seemed to know WTF was going on.

Not a midwife, but from my GP "gosh, you really have been unlucky with the stretch marks, haven't you? Those are by far the worst I've ever seen". She wasn't young, either.

'Oh watch out you are stitching her up too far!' (bye bye fanjo)
Followed by
' but your needlework is lovely!' 'Oh thanks, my hobby is cross stitch' (is there a teddy stitched down there?)

Just what I needed to hear...

clock that sounds horrendous, sorry for saying it was funny - I assumed it was some misunderstanding or something.

MW : You can't eat anything as you might have to have a EMCS
DH : Can she suck a sweet
MW: No, so we may as well eat them

And the gits proceeded to eat my sweets whilst I was in labour!!!

Laid here with a sore fanny 6 days after giving birth to DS2 and pissing myself laughing at this thread... possibly literally, I just can't tell what's going on down there.

Anyway op good luck! I make big headed babies and did have a bad tear first time BUT recovered brilliantly and was bouncing about a few days later. And this time only had 2 small tears despite another big 'un although I have to say recovery is tougher this time so even if things seem bad after, it may not indicate a bad recovery. Or Perhaps my fanny has just had enough of all the massive heads now and is too battered to bounce back

MW, I'm just going for a cup of tea (hand on actual door handle
ME, he's coming NOW
MW, no dear that's just your waters

The exchange that happened less than 2 seconds before DS arrived he was out before she got to me.

My midwife came to do a 37wk home visit prior to our planned home birth. Home births are a rarity in our area. She proceeded to tell me how nervous she'd be when she got the call to come, but she was sure she'd be ok once she got to me!

Luckily it was no4 for us and we had already had one unassisted home birth so we could laugh at the lack of confidence.

In the event, she arrived with minutes to spare so probably didn't have much time to think about it. The rest of the community team arrived 10mins later - 5 midwives and a student midwife - they were excited at the prospect of a home birth, but gutted to have missed it!

My looovely MW comments...
Stitching time, sat between the stirrups: "right, let's put you back together then!"
Oh yes, and "I don't normally make such a mess, my shoes are full..." - PPH but I didn't know that at the time, couldn't see it.

"This baby may not come out alive" said at a homebirth while trying to convince me to get in an ambulance while needing to push. It was all I could do not to yell "Ok, but he is coming out" at her. He was fine. I knew he was. I also knew she had a bad back & was struggling to get in a position to monitor me & was trying to find any excuse to not be in charge of me.

Oddly enough, I requested she not be present at my subsequent homebirth. Unfortunately there was more hysteria from that MW too. "You're only 7cm, plenty of time" she said while trying to coax me into yet another ambulance... 2 minutes into the journey, I was desperate to push & she finally gave me permission & then started shouting at me to push because she "couldn't find the heartbeat". His heart wasn't by my belly button where she was checking, what with him crowning... other midwife leapt into the ambulance & tersely pointed out this basic biology to MW1 while locating the heartbeat instantly by my pelvis. DS2 was also fine.

If I ever do it again I may not bother to call the MW at all - everything was perfectly calm at both births until they got involved!

This thread has terrified me in preparation for birthing my twins in the next 2 weeks, thanks guys!

At my 32 week MW appointment, my new MW took one look at my stomach and said I'll never want to be in a bikini again with such horrendous stretch marks!!

They are pretty bad but I'm 5ft2 and was tiny before.

If it helps possum, my stretch marks have faded loads & seem to be contained to the area covered neatly by a not-too-skimpy bikini. Also, I actually quite enjoyed labour, in spite of all the MW drama. I'd really like to do it again with someone more like the Call the Midwife lot who are actually supportive of home births!

Good luck those of you due soon.

Maybe I just have a saggy fanjo too, no tears with 1 or 2, only "bruising" apparently.

DC3 CANNOT destroy me with it's big head (and now apparently big body which has shot off the chart). I am crossing all fingers.

I thought by being sent for a growth scan that would def confirm babies size but some of your comments seem to indicate note. I thought they would measure it and then could work out weight, is it not that straight forward ?

Pregnancy is some complicated, too much vagueness for my liking, i feel much happier when they are out and I can see them.

Definitely no No4 !

My mw kept repeating in a lovely lilty Nigerian accent "Push Perpetual; push like you are doing a number two!" - it's now become something of a catchphrase in our house

chesireding midwife at my growth scan told me they are notoriously inaccurate! She said they are usually at least 10% over in estimation. Though think they can underestimate too. With me they indicated head normal size and slightly bigger than average overall but not monstrous. This was at 35w and was due another at 39+5 to determine induction date but I had him the day before. He was 9lb 7oz with a 37.5 cm head circumference!

Oh and using a breast pump triggered things for me! Releases labour hormones apparently. Good luck!

Sent for a growth scan too as bump too small for dates at 35 weeks. Told she was going to be a very small baby. Turned out, on being born, she was 7lb 7oz and on the 92nd centile for length.

Gazing at my birthing pics in which I could see only my beautiful baby (admittedly covered in blood) , MW comment 'looks like a horror movie'.

I'm absolutely pissing myself laughing at some of these

I've had to cover my mouth so I don't wake dp when I read 'you've done a little poo' and 'you've had a blowout down there'!

Dd's birth was traumatic so I don't remember much being said but to put it one way, I was probably one of the ones on OBEM who scream like fuck and you think 'omg, calm the fuck down woman!'

MIL's DM was sent for an x-ray because she was so big (1950s). She met her GP in the street the next day and was told "you might want to go home and put your feet up by the way, you're having twins" MIL and her sister were born 2 days later

After DC3 was born ( DS was hand above head , DD1 was back to back ,DD2 was another hand above head, all very very fast labours )

" hmm , do you mind if we call the plastic surgeon over from the main hospital? "

When he arrived he asked if he could take photos for an article he was doing for a medical journal on deep tissue trauma .

So somewhere out there are photos of my poor fanjo ( he promised not to include my face ! )

They were the most amazingly comfortable stitches tho , I was skipping around the next day !

^Yesterday 21:19 NoCapes

During labour with DC3 my midwife actually said "oh shit, dad press that big red button behind you"

Now you never want to hear that from a midwife!^

Yes, I totally agree with this. That was my last moment of consciousness for 4 hrs.

First child

Me: I'm going to push now
Mw: don't be silly, you're only 4 cm
Me: i'm pushing
Mw: don't be silly, i examined you an hour ago and you're 4cm
Me: I'M PUSHING
Mw: look, you're only 4cm, you can't push. Let me check you......Jesus she's 10cm. Baby is coming NOW!

All goes tits up, i've got monitors everywhere, a paediatrician has arrived, i'm in styrrups, my fanny is on display.
My boob falls out of the side of my gown. Midwife starts pulling on the gown.
Mw: lets just cover you up here
Me: it doesn't matter
Mw: where is your dignity girl?!

Fuck you is where my dignity is.

Second child

Huge gush of water.
Mw: oh. Thats your waters breaking now.
Me: oh. I thought that already happened
Me: nah, i think that was you peeing over me

Lying in bed after having my son. Midwife comes in to see me

Mw: ooooooh! You're that woman with the rediculously large placenta.

Said to me by mw setting up the drip when I was induced "would you like a piece of toast first? It's going to be a really long time before you can eat again".
She was right actually, I didn't get given anything to eat for another 36 hours when they gave me an apple. How was I supposed to eat that? I couldn't sit up post-section.

Actually the worst bit was when they said 'all the birthing pools are full, so are all the rooms. You can go in this side room'.

Said by midwife when DD turned out to be surprise breech

"Ooh you know, I don't think that's a head after all!"

Also when inserting the cannula (and failing)

"Whoa, that's not worked. Your hand's totally bruised! Look at all that blood!" Then proceeded to show me my disfigured, massive hand ...

I had a lot of examinations during pregnancy, so the words "get the Angle-poise" used to make my heart sink.

I just knew it meant they were going to come back in with a big lamp and fifteen other people, while someone poked at me with a spatula and explained to the crowd how they've read about people like me but never actually seen one.

Made me wonder what was up there more than once, but apparently it's a particularly awkward and small cervix, and they like students to be able to recognise it when they see it.

I'm sure everyone in that hospital could recognise it now, from my consultant to the woman in the gift shop and everybody in between, I think they brought them all in for a look. I think a call went out, "if anyone hasn't already had a look at Hygge's cervix, we've got the big lamp out again" and anybody who wasn't busy came in to have a look.

Not a midwife but my obstetrician did arrive to start my induction with a slightly dribble mouth from just having a filling done and then proceeded to tell Billy Connelly jokes in a really terrible Scottish accent 😐 Then the midwifes chimed in with their racey jokes.