to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

Ooh I can fit my thumbs in some of these...(re: internal tears).

When DS1's (frankly ridiculous) head came out the exchange went as so:

MW1 - OH! That's a BIG head
MW2 - We need help in here (pushed big red button)
MW1 - Ran out screaming "Help! Help!"

Next contraction I pushed the rest of him out, no prob. Except now there were 20 odd people staring at me naked in the pool.

I think from the size of his head they assumed he'd be a 15 pounder and get stuck. He was 9.3 to be fair

I was away with drug fairies and exhausted but dh nearly had heart attack when student doc was trying to sew me up under consultants supervision. Ventouse delivery plus tears. Poor dh said blood was dripping on the floor, student doc was dithering with consultant saying a few harsh words he then basically pushed her out of the way and started sewing while shouting at student doc.

Just remembered - with DD I arrived at the maternity unit all ready for my lovely epidural only to find I was 7cm after starting off labour three hours previously.

"Can I not have an epidural, then? I really want an epidural. Can I have an epidural?"

"The anaesthetist is in theatre and your timing's not great as we have a shift change soon.
"Let me see...oh, now you're 8cm. Look at me... Look at me... Let's do the maths..."

DD was out 30 mins or so later at 8.00am on the dot.

I can't believe all the comments you all get about tears and stitches, I presume the Midwife/Doctor etc is trying to make the situation lighthearted but I am sure that would send me over the edge having a negative ripped fanjo comment ;)

Not a midwife, but the emergency paramedic ( in a car, not an ambulance). I was in the house, child number 1 asleep downstairs. DH had popped out and labour progressed very very quickly.
I overheard him on his radio, calling for back up with the words 'Don't think she's going to be much longer, hurry up or she'll be having this baby on the bedroom floor'
It absolutely terrified me. Thank fully the ambulance arrived very swiftly and I made it to hospital with mins to spare. I gave birth in the triage room. Literally 0-60!

As I was pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing

'There's a head - oh, it's gone back in. There it is - no, it's gone back in...'

I'd been pushing for about an hour, was starting to think the little bugger darling would never stay out...

Ha, I just remembered. Because they thought it was going pear shaped they made me stand up in the pool with his fucking head between my legs!

Jesus h Christ I am scared and I'm not even pregnant. I don't want anyone sewing or cutting my vag! wails

Well now I can feel the feet.
Said to my sister whose baby was a surprise breech birth.

I was sent for umpteen scans during late pregnancy. Baby was 'measuring on the large side' and they had to test me for gestational diabetes. All was ok but they still told me to expect a big baby. DD came out 7lb 13oz (not too bad) although I did end up having a c section anyway (labour not progressing). Just trying to say that after all my scans, all wasn't as bad as it seemed. Chin up, you'll do fine.

Oh, and after the stitches were done; 'You have a vagina again!'

Fuck me, what did I have before?!

I did really like my me, but that was not a great moment, with hindsight. Was too knackered to care at the time though.

While being prepped for a c-section for DD2.

Trainee anaesthetist trying to put in the spinal block

TA: Is it in the right place now?
Overseeing Anaesthetist: No, you need to go a bit further over
TA: Is this it here?
OA: No, you need to be right in the middle of the spine

I was sat on the edge of the bed for 45 minutes bent over with my pregnant belly between my knees while this guy stuck needles in my back 9 fucking times before he hit the right spot. The next day i checked my back in the mirror and it looked like a sodding tea bag full of holes.

spudlet did you give birth to a tortoise? :o

Friend of mine expecting twins was summoned for an appointment with the consultant. It was made very clear that he was God and there was quite an entourage. After he had examined her, she asked about some symptom and whether it was because it was twins. He gave a very patronising laugh and said "Oh, my dear, if you were expecting twins I think we'd know about it by now."

She did say it was highly entertaining watching the entourage trying to stifle their snorts of laughter.

Words as a midwife you never need to hear from a Mum

Got called out to a rapidly progressing home birth in the middle of the night around 20 years ago. Farmhouse in the middle of nowhere...arrived about 10 mins after the baby.

Mum says "I stood up and he fell out...but I don't think he hit the floor too hard"

Needless to say he was fine and is probably a strapping 20 something now.

As a Mum to be my midwife said "well I have just measured you (tape measure should show 1cm per week) and you measure 44cm (at 38 wk) so he is going to be huge.". Cheers for that I thought. And yes he was indeed huge at nearly 10lbs.

I was told "you tolerate internal examinations very well" which I think is code for "you have a massive fanjo"

Also, after my emcs the midwife said she had had to push DD back up, so that the consultant could get her out. Her words were "we could have shaken hands"

Would you like a bath to ease the pain?

No, I want some fucking drugs. Said after hours of being induced.

Mr icebear,pass me that
Mr icebear,open that drawer and pass me that please

I had a very quick labour and there was no time to call a second midwife so my husband ended up assisting my utterly amazing midwife! Second midwife turned up 2 minutes after dd was born thinking she was coming to check how things were going!

When I had my second a few months ago I told every single medical professional I saw I would have a fast labour and they just smiled and nodded in a 'ok dear' kind of way. Total time in labour was 74 minutes.

'You're measuring at 41 weeks'. I was 34 weeks.

To be fair, baby was over 11lbs born!

'are you sure it's not twins? Really sure? Just let me get my colleague to listen at the other side' while I was being induced. Turned out he'd just braced his legs straight to make a very odd double bump.

"She'll never do it" muttered to her co-worker just as I was about to start pushing.

Proved that bitch wrong

"We can't stitch you here, you have to go to theatreand be stithe by a surgeon" was probably the worse thing I heard, followed by "but the doctor has gone to do an emergency csection so you'll have to wait. Over 2 hours I had to wait (obviously the section was important). I'd had a 3rd degree tear. Doctor then told me it only had a 60% chance of being successful and I may need further surgery! Thankfully I was in the 60%.

The worse actual bit (after the emergency forceps birth because they couldn't find DS's heartbeat) was when my legs were up in theatre and the surgeon comes over and whacks me in the fanjo! After an episiotomy and third degree tear! Wtaf! She commented to the anaesthetist that she didn't realise I'd jump so much, as I begged him for more pain relief and he said I was as topped up as I could be.