to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

coffeeisnectar

🐢

We've lost mum, let's try and save the baby.

In my gas and aired state I genuinely thought I had died and spent the next two hours asking if I was still alive .

Mine said 'you've just done a little poo'

I misheard and panicked because i thought she meant DT1 but she meant me...

i don't want to fucking know that!

Mid labour "it's the tricky third"..... !

"I only do assessments now, I haven't actually delivered a baby for years." I didn't have time to worry, luckily, as I gave birth five minutes later ... in the assessment room.

My midwife for baby 1 was amazing. My midwife for baby 2 was pretty awful.

Midwife: (immediately following delivery) "I just need to check you to see if you need stitches...oh my god I've never seen anything like it - it's like you've had a blowout"

I went into a bit of shock.

Midwife popped in to check on my progress (DC3)
I asked for pethidine or anything to stop this fucking pain!
Midwife" ooh now now there's plenty of time for pain relief later my dear. It's very early days"
2 minutes later
" ooh your 9cm, best get ready to push, no time for pethidine tho"

After 24 hours of pointless labour then I got induced

'Can you get me the giant forceps?'

When an enormous DD is dragged out of me:

'Ooh, look at that chunky monkey! Bet she's at least 10 pound!'

(She was a mere 9lb15)

mw: We need permission to administer this drug
dh: ok, but why do you need permission?
mw: because of the side effects
dh: so what are the side effects?
mw: (huge sigh)) well I don't know!

mw returned with the biggest book ever of medicines. ds was born before she had time to find out. Thank goodness.

Not me but a friend was told by midwife before stitching - it's going to be a cut & paste repair I'm afraid then turned to the student midwife/nurse/doctor whoever was there and said I'll talk you through it

It was her first and only child. And I'm relieved I went on to have only c-section stitching to deal with.

As a retired midwife, things you don't want to hear :
My waters broke a week ago, I didn't know I had to tell anyone.
Can you change my dates, I don't think it's my husband's.
No I can't unlock the toilet door, I feel like I need a massive poo.
And, arriving as a community midwife to find the woman leaning over the bed pushing with the head visible, blood and fluid all over the floor 'I don't want him born at home, it'll make a mess'

Consultant popped in an hour after DD was born (traumatic forceps delivery) to inform me 'oh btw you may well be fecally incontinent from now on, ok?' and then breezed out again No idea why as I was (and am!) perfectly functional in that department thank you very much!

Tellme that's so funny!!

Not midwife, but GP, Irish accent, said "jeeeeezus amysmummy, what the bloody hell you got growing in there?!" I was only about 30 weeks at the time DD was 8lb7oz

at 'the tricky third'
Ah, not good old lucky number three then!

Can't believe I forgot, after dd finally arrived (17 days late) my consultant, who I hadn't seen at all during my 3 day failed induction, swanned in for a look-see the day after. As he picked up my chart he said, "so baby arrived, how was the delivery?" I was still somewhat stupified so muttered about having a section. He replied with a sigh and, "I don't know why we bother with inductions, they never work", and off he went. Dick.

Not to me, but to my mum while she was pregnant. This was nearly 40 years ago, before scans. Mum had gone for a midwife check at 6 months or so, being examined by a student midwife under supervision...

"Here's an arm, here's a leg, here's another leg, here's another leg..."

Senior midwife shoves student out of the way, has a feel and says "bloody hell, there's more than one in there". And that's how mum found out she was having twins.

BaskingTrout, that's amazing! I bet your mum was concerned the baby had one two many legs at first

In theatre for an crash CS because DS's heartbeat wasn't recovering. Obs said 'Oh, you're pushing spontaneously, it's too late for a CS. You push and we'll pull'. Luckily he came out so quickly there was no time for them to pull shudder.

My brother in law is a twin.

His mum was having a check up with her consultant at 39 weeks and he said "I don't suppose you happen to have 2 cribs at home do you?"

Surprise Twins born a few days later.

clock simultaneously hilarious and terrifying! What did they mean?

After DS1 mw1 started to walk me down the corridor to be stitched up and asked mw2 (who hadn't been present) to clear up the room I'd given birth in. MW2 breezily agreed, marched in and promptly re-emerged to say 'I assumed there'd be just a bit of blood! You didn't tell me it looked like a scene from Psycho in there!' Poor DH was still in there looking horrified.

We had a traumatic birth and just as things started to go abit wrong and were rushed to theatre the junior doctor said to my dh as he was asking her a question "you need to realise that this is a life or death situation"

As we got to theatre for what I had been told would be an emcs the consultant said "oh dear change of plan,its too late for a section. PASS ME FORECEPS NOW.

I don't remember anything of my birth after that. It was awful.

I went in with a hypno cd and lavender spray and came out deeply traumatised. Lavenderspray? WTF

Lndnmummy

After DS2 (who was predicted to be massive but wasn't) the MW took one look at his weird Klingon head and said 'well he only just made it out, didn't he?'

Try not to worry OP. I'm not convinced midwives can tell the size of baby's head that accurately, or even the location of the baby's head!

My DS was breech and I had been scanned several times to confirm. Several midwives were absolutely certain they could feel his head and insisted he had turned. I kept having to tell them 'no, that is his bottom you can feel'. Fortunately it wasn't left to them to decide when, after a 24hr trial of labour, it was decided to send me down for a CS.

MW was doing a pelvic scan during the early stages of labour and broke the silence with 'I can feel that you're very constipated' she then went on tell me That if I didn't have something squirted up my arse to clear me out then I would almost certainly shit myself during the pushing stages..