to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

Mw was 8n the middle of performing g a sweep and neither of us were in a particularly comfortable position:

"Oh, we're just going to have to hold on like this for a sec. Well this is new! Baby's just grabbed hold of my finger!"

I had been in labour with dc2 for about 16 hours and had been checked at 4 cm. An hour later I started yelling and screaming that I could feel the baby crowning.
Senior midwife came in and tried to get me back to laying down saying 'don't be so silly. There's no where this baby is coming so fast'
She's checking the chart and saying how no one goes from 4-10 so fast but I was insistent so she reluctantly checked me.
Dropped my white dress and started yelling 'I need a wheel chair in here'
Wheel chair arrives 'you had better get her there fast! We don't want this baby born in the hallways, God knows those places aren't sanitised!!'

My husband had popped out to get breakfast coffees, he arrived back as they were wheeling me down to labour. Coffee was still warm by the time DS was born

Words I didn't want to hear from a midwife were
"Oh yes baby is definitely on the way you're 8cm hmm oh dear I'm sure I can feel bum cheeks" Dd2 was born breech.
And after I'd had dd1 and been stitched up by the lovely student midwife she came up, patted me on the arm and said thank you, that's the first time I've done that on a person.

'We can't find your baby's heart beat' Emergency button pressed. Midwives and dr's everywhere.

Another midwife- 'Oh we forgot to plug the monitor in'

Heartbeat found.

Very scary.

Another one

'You have nodes all over your cervix'

She goes get another midwife.

Both of them talk about my node-y cervix and tell me I need a smear test at 6 weeks PP as they have never seen a cervix with nodes before.

They had gone when I had my next smear test.

I wouldn't worry too much about the size estimates pre-birth. DS1 was predicted to be enormous - 10b to 12lbs was thrown about gleefully.

He was 6 lb 7. He did have a 99th centile head, but it was a very fast labour with no tearing.

With DS2 they thought he was going to be smaller than DS1 - he was nearly 8 lbs. Another big head and an even faster labour with no tearing.

With DS2 I had a lovely home birth midwife who actually asked me what I thought was happening and believed what I told her. With DS1 the midwife was cheerfully saying 'No, no, hours to go yet. He's probably turned back to back,' while I was telling her that I could feel his head. When she eventually did check, all hell broke loose!

I had an easy labour but did need a couple of stitches afterwards.

One midwife to another: "it's a bit of a dog's dinner down here"

I hadn't had pain relief during labour so I was only just discovering the joys of Entonox when she said it - and I remember howling with laughter saying "that's why it's called laughing gas! You called my frou frou a dog's dinner and I think it's FUNNY!!!!"

(she did apologise)

Being checked over after the repair of a third degree tear. "Your labia is very swollen, I'm just going to call the doctor because sometimes they can explode..."

DH nipped out to the loo whilst I was in labour. As he walked back past the MWs desk they were doing a handover. He heard the words "and we have a very stuck baby in room number 5" just as he arrived back at the door to my room - yep Number 5! He decided not to tell me!

"Come on, you aren't trying, do you want this baby out or not?"
5 minutes or so later was in theatre as dr examined me and baby was well and truly stuck.

With ds2 "oof, he shot out didn't he! I bet that stings!"

With dd1. "No, the baby is back to back, it'll be hours yet"

Me: "I'm turning over, I need to push"

Midwife "....? Shit! I haven't got my gloves on!"

Poor dd practically fell out onto the bed! Wasn't my first time at the rodeo

I can vaguely remember someone snatching the gas and air off me and saying disapprovingly "no more gas and air for you!"
Thanks for making me feel like a naughty child!

"We're going to take this gas and air away from you now because you're not feeling it enough" nooooooooo give it back!!

"Could you stop shouting quite so loudly please you're shouting and not pushing" um...no...I am shouting AND pushing (and the reason there was no progress was because the baby had got stuck so no amount of shouting OR pushing was going to help!

Cue the sound of an emergency buzzer going off next door, the student midwife tells me it's very rare and that's the first time she'd heard it since she's worked there as its only used for emergencies.

5 mins later the midwife says To dp 'pull that lever next to you now'

X post getschwifty I think this may be fairly common from what I've heard but I never knew you could have too much gas and air and I was not happy!

I had two lovely, calm births with wonderful midwives, so my stories aren't quite as exciting as others.

In labour with DD2, things are progressing nicely, when a mw comes into the room and says "The ambulance is ready outside."
Ambulance? What ambulance? Why?!
Turns out the ambulance was for another labouring woman, not me!

Also DD2, at the moment of her birth: "Dad, just pull on that emergency cord, will you?" She said it very calmly, but the word "emergency" freaked me out. All was fine, but DD's head had emerged with the force of my waters breaking and they needed they second mw straight away (waterbirth). Second mw arrives, takes my gas and air away and says "The cord is around baby's neck!" DD was fine, though. Didn't even need the cord cutting before slipping it over her head because "That's the longest cord I've ever seen!" in all fairness the cord was huge. The mw actually measured it later on. It was 109cm long!

These are friggin hilarious!!

Back with DC1, I was having my first sweep. OH had already been referring to it as 'being fingered by the MW' for the days leading up to it. Was a tad nervous and I tend to laugh when I get jittery. Needless to say, the combination of 'fingering' and nerves meant that every time the lovely MW tried to get near me with her latex digits, I clenched and dissolved into giggles. She poked her head behind the curtain to OH and said, 'jesus, how did you even get close enough to get her in this state in the first place?!'

2 days after 9lb6 DD and her massive bonce were hoiked out with forceps, my stitches were increasingly uncomfortable and I couldn't sit, lie down or indeed stand up due to the pain. MW took a look, blanched a bit and got the consultant to come and examine me.
Consultant: Ahh, yes it's a bit infected and I'm just going to squeeze it to see if I can drain the pus.

He fucking did and I almost had to be pulled off the ceiling. I ended up screaming into a pillow. I might be a sporner but hearing your fanjo abscess crack open is not good.

When the female consultant came later she looked and then got me gas and air before she even touched me. I loved her. In the end I went back to theatre to have the 5cm clot removed along and had a spinal. Kinda loved the anaesthetist too.

I'm sure everyone in that hospital could recognise it now, from my consultant to the woman in the gift shop and everybody in between

Hygge sorry that really made me laugh at the thought of the gift shop lady saying yup.I have seen that cervix before. Definitely hygge.

This is an awesome thread, but it's definitely reminding me why I'm not quite ready for another baby yet!

Mine was just after DS had been born and those dreaded words 'Press that big red emergency button!' were shouted at DH followed by MW saying 'I'm just going to keep my hand up here for a while...'

loling at this thread!

I was checked on the ward and was 5-6cms, it was 5am (ish) the midwife came to get me to take me up to the labour ward, she said we were walking there so dh picks up all my stuff and she tells me to stop every time i have a contraction. I was stopping every ten seconds!

when we get to the delivery room, she helps me up to the bed and tries to put a monitor on me when all of a sudden i throw up every where and she says 'ooh just press that red button quickly!' to dh. dd was born 10 mins later!

afterwards she said to me 'don't tell anyone you walked from the ward to the suit, I'll get in trouble.

*suite

Meh don't worry OP both my kids had / have enormous heads and labour was fine.

I had a PPH and the midwife screeched 'omg there's blood spurting everywhere' and when I asked if I would die (was more than a bit hysterical and hormonal) she shouted 'I'm doing what I can but there's so much blood!!' That was really reassuring!

Not the MW (they were all sensible and lovely) but a doctor... "I can't find a head - I think you'd better have another scan"
I was about 36 weeks and 3/5ths engaged - surely not that unusual?? less unusual than a headless baby

When I was in labour with my 5th baby, I was examined by a student midwife, who had to leave suddenly with the words"Sorry, I need to be sick". So flattering!

After dc2 the midwifes first comment was "woah that was like shelling peas"

Wasn't sure if I should be proud or insulted!