to think these are words you never need to hear from a Midwife ? (only slightly lighthearted)

[CheshireDing]

Midwife said told "I can definitely feel a big head".

I am nearly 35 weeks and disturbed is not the word. DC2 had a big head, so what the hell size is this one's ??!!

Seriously practising my hypno now so get DC3 out shortly

I know you're being light-hearted (hopefully!) but whilst I was out of my mind with pain giving birth to dc1, the student midwife was actually in tears.
Luckily I didn't know about it until after nor did I know baby's heartbeat was going down to 50 - 60 beats per minute while dickhead XH looked on.

Snorted at "..... About to get a bit farmyard"!

Strikeout fail, ah well!

Had awful pregnancy induced hypertension in the few days preceding the birth and then during labour I was REALLY hypertensive.

Midwife - looks at obs machine and sucks air through teeth
Me "how bad is it?"
Midwife " you don't want to know!"

She actually refused to tell me. After my DD was born and my BP was completely normal she told me the systolic was in the 200s and the diastolic above 100.

Sod OBEM, this is making me fear having kids. Brutal some of this

I was told 'Oh this one could be as big as 8 lbs!'
DS was born three days later at 9lbs 4 ozs.

(Sorry OP, my previous baby had been a civilised 7lbs 5ozs).

Sorry I was on my break when you delivered. I'm your midwife. (Talk about joining the party late)

Eesh, Chocolate!

I had the opposite with DS...my blood pressure was on the floor. 70/40 at one point and the midwife said if I wasn't 38 weeks pg I'd be in hospital.

It felt terrible. If I stood or sat up I could quite literally feel the blood plummeting downwards. I had two choices - brisk walking or lying horizontal.

I'm turning the drip up because we need you to be in continuous pain.

I am quite small and was terrified at a 35 week scan when someone (doctor/nurse- can't remember) commented 'that's a gorilla of a baby in there, God knows how we'll get that out. '.

After a terrifying and long Iabour I gave birth to a 2.990 kg baby. That's around 6lb - perfectly reasonable for me. I am sure fear played a part in my fear and pain.

Moral - don't take too much notice of experts. They aren't always as smart as they think.

My mw said to me, just before stiching my tear, and about to start injecting the area, grab your gas and air love most women say this hurts more than childbirth. She was bloody right too!

Night before section 20 years ago and in fairness it was the NA not the midwife carts me off to shave me. She stands there, orange bic in hand, peering into my fanjo and says 'you're very hairy, aren't you?'.

Me: have you read the birth plan. Don't announce the sex.
MW: ok. Oh look, she's got the cord wrapped around her neck twice.

DP fainted when I was pushing because of this lovely exchange.

"We need to do an epis."
"No we don't, she's been pushing 4 mins."
"Well you'll need to explain to the doctor if the baby dies then."
"For god sake, she doesn't want one and he's out!"

I was pushing five minutes.

When the midwife said to me after the birth of DD2 " I'm not going to lie to you,it's a bit of a mess down there"

On the table in the OR, being stitched up after a CS - "Yes, it's a good job we operated today, you'd be talking dead baby if you'd been allowed to go overdue!" Tinkly little laugh.

I didn't laugh along, funnily enough!

One midwife said, you're not going to be his favourite girl anymore! I actually nearly cried!

"Actually, I'm going to get a doctor to check these stitches" "What?? Why?? What have you done to my fanjo??

Oh and another one, this time after dc2...
'Do you mind if I get someone more experienced in to stitch you up?'
Oh, yes, because I'm going to argue with that.....

I posted on a thread about this the other day

"Okay.... That's stitch number seventeen done". Midwife just let out a huge sigh of relief but still looked absolutely horrified.

From the student midwife examining me for her exam. "This baby is enormous! I estimate over 12 pounds. Mother must be about term"
Err no, 28 weeks and twins. That was why you could feel all those feet kicking.
Don't think she passed.

'I wasn't actually' THAT' drunk last night'.

WTAF?

I panicked when midwife said ds2 was around 8lbs at 38 weeks. I was sure I was going to give birth to a monster. 3 weeks later ds2 finally arrived..at bang on 7lbs

I'm sure they just guess.

Italics fail as usual

"Does this bit go there?" - student midwife to her supervisor while stitching me up.