I woke my DH up at 4am this morning

[momb]

By rolling over so my face was a couple of inches from his, and hissing 'Push it NOW or we're all going to die!' in a venomous stage whisper.
Apparently he shot backwards, waking in terror, fell off the bed, whereupon I awoke and rebuked him for being noisy. I have no recollection of any of this.

Anyone else a sleep talker?

Tears are falling down my cheek.Not me but dp has vivid dreams.So he hopped up one night got dressed and put the bins out.At 1 am.He was about to cook sausages another night until my eldest son told him it was too early.

Same son came down and seen his dad eating an apple.He was in the dark and didnd move when ds put the light on or knocked it off.

These are hilarious, Im a wheezing mess 😂

DP once woke me up to tell me "I am a majestic lion" rather triumphantly. I still take the piss now :) .

So funny these :)

I once woke up shouting "TOOOOAST" after dreaming that dp asked me what I wanted for breakfast should of known it was a dream then

Dp once shook me awake asking "how the boys were doing...are they ready for the big game tomorrow" repeats this serval times and getting quite mad until I told him "yes they're ready" he replied "well that's OK then...ffs"

Dd comes out with some crackers when I try to wake her in the morning and all sad quite angrily...
"I've told you woman, I'm looking for it"
"I'm busy" so i asked doing what? "Colouring obviously"
"You can't put that back....how dare you"

She's not a morning person coz she follows me

I apparently laugh in my sleep. Proper belly laughs. DP asks me the morning after what was so funny, but I can never remember. Shame really.

He's as bad, if not worse. His footy team won the Premier League, and he was in the pub to watch the game that clinched it. He (predictably) got sloshed, but was home in time for Match of the Day, which he had to watch despite having watched the actual game. He was home a good hour or so before MOTD started, so predictably, being worse for wear, he dozed off. Until the opening credits of MOTD, which made him sit bolt upright and blurt out "CHAMPIONS!!!"

Other nuggets have included "Mmm, pies. I like pies, me" and, months later "Bacon, I really love bacon. I've got some in the fridge." I swear he doesn't go short of food!

I once woke up to my DH telling me there was a snake in the room. I was half asleep and envisaged a snake crawling across the bedroom floor and said "what do you mean?" He said "there's a snake on the floor" so I said "where?" he pointed " over there" so I jumped up and said "get the snake" so he jumped up still asleep and said "where is it" I said "over there" pointing to where he had pointed at which point he stood up on the bed, so I stood up on the bed and then jumped on his back saying "get the snake, get the snake" at which point he woke up and said "what are you doing?" I just pointed and screamed "snake" and we both kind of woke up fully and were like oh it's not real must've been him sleep talking again. He has done similar things but Ive learned to wake up and say. Go back to sleep (very firmly) not at all listening to his suggestions about snakes or spiders or anything. I've learnt my lesson.

Years ago, DH said 'Stop pissing me off when I am trying to learn Word 6' Bizarre. Still laugh about it now!

DD talks in her sleep. DCs are bilingual (we live overseas) and the other night she was having a nightmare in French. I didn't understand what she was saying so there i was evesdropping with my collins dictionary trying to translate her nightmare. Somebody wasn't giving something back...apparently

Hi all - we've had quite a few Classics nominations for this one now, unsurprisingly

We'll move it over there shortly.

I have proper sensible conversations while asleep but only if spoken to first. DH hasn't twigged that it's pointeless telling me anything important as I shan't remember.

DH says "I'm not asleep" sometimes if he's snoring & I tell him to shut the fuckup

My DM once woke my DF by sitting up & plucking repeatedly along his body through the duvet & announcing "I'm picking apples"

apparently cheerfully drove DH's dick off up the road...

I'm catching up on this thread while having lunch in the office. The above made me laugh so much there were tears rolling down my cheeks.

One of my colleagues has just come over to see why I'm in tears and the guy next to me has just apologised for not noticing that I was crying.

..... And I can't even explain why I'm laughing so hard.

Dear lord, I'm crying at my desk.

No the OTHER cats. The ones that steal things.

Making plans with a long-dead cat to replace the doors with duvets.
YOU'RE NOT THE FRUIT QUEEN ANY MORE

DH's classic was turning to me with a satisfied smile and murmuring "Mmmm.....gravy time"

I was at work last night and got a text from dh informing me that ds had been sleep walking again and had peed on the lid of the toilet. Dh only discovered this when he went to the bathroom desperate for a wee himself and had to clean it up with his legs crossed. Still, it's better than doing it on the floor of his bedroom or in the hallway which is his usual trick when sleep walking.

Somebody I know got up, got dressed and went shopping whilst asleep

This is fresh from last night...We are on a road trip today and it must have been on my mind. My husband told me I woke him up a 4am by poking him to shout " YOU DRIVE, I WILL LOOK AT SCENERY, ASSHOLE".

Just to let everyone know, I do not habitually speak to my dh in that manner...

Brilliant!

My ex was quite entertaining during the times of night feeds!
Once when dd cried, I got up to sort her out my ex helpfully told me to call the dog he'll feed her and change her just fine....

Another time was a conversation about doughnuts and not letting the gnomes eat them all.

And the creepy one was him bolt upright then saying 'here are the scissors, be carful you don't STAB yourself that would get messy... I did do a little check that night to make sure nothing sharp was around. And I never established who he was offering the helpful advice to!

Not sleep talking but funny all the same. When I was about 7 I went through a phase of sleeping in a sleeping bag (I was obsessed with going on a camping holiday) and one night managed to 'up-end' myself in it. I don't remember a thing about it but my mum heard a bit of a commotion coming from my bedroom and came in to find me standing upright,completely covered by the sleeping bag,shouting and struggling to get out! Probably a good thing I didn't remember as I think I would have been traumatised! Needless to say,it was a fair while before I was allowed to go to bed in a sleeping bag again.

We have two cats, one who always sleeps at the end of our bed.

Last week I woke up to DH stroking my hair and murmuring. Thought how sweet and went back to sleep.

In the morning, I woke up to hear DH getting food for the cats and talking to one about how he had cuddled up with his Daddy in the middle of the night hadn't he and how his Daddy was stroking him because he loves him and how the cat loves his Daddy more than anything.

Still not had the heart to tell him it was my ponytail.

How many cats squad?