Pointless soul destroying ongoing fights with inanimate objects

[HoneyDragon]

The compost bin provided by the council. The bastard. I spent a painful 5 minutes trying to wrestle that fucker shut today before I realised the handle had slipped under the hinge. I won in the end but the fuckers still looking smug in the utility room.

And EVERYTHING in my understairs cupboard works on a rota to pick a fight with me. Sometimes the vacuum and ironing board work together to get me.

What intimate object regularly picks fights with you?

Have you ever finally emerged victorious?

[ScrambledSmegs]

My washing machine keeps getting stuck in Child Lock mode . I'm tempted to take a brick to the fucker.

[HoneyDragon]

Oh I have a hob that does Lollipops ironing boards hahah hah ha fuck off.

It's like, you can have gas,or you can have the spark. But you can fuck off if you think you're going to use MY spark to ignite MY gas to cook YOUR food. Bitch.

[HoneyDragon]

sdtg describing a pillow as sullen is perfect

[LollipopViolet]

Oh, forgot one. The shower attachment from the bath. Here's what I go through, washing my hair:
cold
cold
COLD
REALLY COLD!
Perfect temperature
Oooh, bit warm
Hot
Hot
AAAARGH MY HEAD, SO HOT!!!

Stupid, stupid thing.

[OolonColluphid]

Hangers Hate me, and I hate them right back.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Our freezer has decided to stop freezing the top half of its drawers and only freeze the bottom half. Dh has looked at it, we have defrosted it twice, adjusted the temperature and changed the drawers around and the bloody thing will not refreeze. I had to throw stuff away. And then the door broke so we have to tie it shut. Every time I want something out of it I have to untie it and tie it back up. Ffs.

The water softener has decided to pump it's salt granules through our water pipes. It has clogged them up and broken the dishwasher. Charming.

I used to have a Henry. I actually managed to break it by kicking it down the stairs once too often. The wheels went through the body and I had to replace the body bit. It lasted another couple of years before I did it again but I couldn't find the replacement bit so I gave it away and bought a lovely Meile instead. So far the Meile seems to like me.

I have broken so many things in this house thanks to my inability to deal with insane inanimate objects. I usually have to replace stuff before dh notices. Me and my stuff have issues.

[patterkiller]

The vacuum cordless fucker, jams constantly. The shed door has a long held grudge with me. And I have no idea how to use the play station remote.. Non.

[HemanOrSheRa]

Ah see I love my Henry. It's the only hoover I've had for more than a year without it blowing up or me hurling it out of the front door and 'breaking' it.

But the fucking bastard Vax steam cleaner. I hate it. I bought it so I could be FABULOUS and waft around steaming and cleaning everything. Instead it regurgitated boiling water everywhere. It kept cutting out so I had to wait for it to heat up so it could carry on spitting out boiling water. Bastard.

It is in the Cupboard Of Many Things. In it's box taunting me .

[LavaCat]

Mine is door handles. I don't know how I get my sleeves and pocket caught on door handles so often. I'm never expecting it either so I get a big jolt. One day I'm going to take them all off the doors.

[SomedayMyPrinceWillCome]

I am crying proper tears reading this - haven't laughed so much in a long time!

[Kerantli]

I had (notice the HAD) a washer that I had to regularly threaten with a wooden spoon. The button to turn it on/off would get stuck, and of course to open the sodding door you needed to press the button!

Our boiler hates the cold, or anything that blocks the pipe leading to the outside. Last time it was a leaf that caused it to leak all over the little cubbyhole it's in, flooding the kitchen at the same time our current washer floods the kitchen...

DP's bag is also another one that ends up with my rage. It lives in our (very small) hallway and I've kicked up every single day for the last three years, same with DP's boots. Once I fell over them and kicked them so hard they hit the wall, I felt immense satisfaction at the resounding THUD, but DP wasn't impressed.

[Ughnotagain]

Cupboard of doom in the kitchen. Full of tupperware, medicine, endless baby bottles that we don't even fucking use apart from like 3. I'm too short to reach the top shelf so I have to kind of throw things up there and then everything falls on my fucking head every time I open it.

I have a step stool but fuck if I'm going to use it to lob a tupperware lid into a cupboard.

[Ughnotagain]

Oh GOD and we're in the process of decorating upstairs so one of the bedrooms is full of stuff. I'm talking piles of clothes, under bed storage drawers in the middle of the room, etc etc. Except our wardrobe is still in there so I have to go in every day and I keep falling over everything. Raaaage

[HoneyDragon]

I row with the settee in the kitchen. It ejects it's bottom cushions at any given moment (I think it's a protest at being sat on by children). But I want to sit on it

So I shove them back in ranty type way and the fucker smugly reminds me it has wheels and its mate, the floor, is tiled so it RUNS AWAY!

[AlisonWunderland]

The spark ignition on my gas hob is meant to be automatic.
It buggering is not.

Turn on gas. No spark.
Turn off, turn on. No spark.
Repeat..... And SPARK!
Gas ring is now alight.

spark spark spark spark spark spark ark spark spark spark spark.
Bloody thing won't stop sparking.

Turn other gas ring on and off repeatedly until sparking stops.

Lie down to recover from gas poisoning

[ShelaghTurner]

These things. See picture. No idea what the bastards are called.

If there is one of these on the door frame it is guaranteed I will rip part of my arm off on the fucker as I walk past. Sharp bastards. I've lived in this house for 12 years and I still haven't learned to swerve the fuckers as I walk through doors.

[HardleyWorthit]

I came on to say Henry the Hoover and his bastardised falling over shenanigans but I see I've been beaten to it.

I have 3 long handled brooms in my larder resting just inside the door by the hinge. If I open the door they always fall into the gap so when I shut it again it bounces back and twats me in the face. Every. Single. Time.

[HardleyWorthit]

Ffs, bastardised?!

Bastarding..

[BitOutOfPractice]

My pan cupboard. I hate the bastard thing. It's a wrestling match every single cocking day

[DramaAlpaca]

The door on my ancient tumble drier won't shut unless you lift it up at just the right angle and slam it. Sometimes it refuses to start, but it usually responds quite well to a good kick. When it's running it screeches plaintively all the bloody time. Noisy annoying bastard is long overdue for a one way trip to the scrap yard.

[HardleyWorthit]

One thing I am positively evangelical about is my new IKEA kitchen with it's deep drawers instead of cupboards.

No more pan avalanches for me.

[LollipopViolet]

Oh OP I'm laughing at your smug sofa and his mate the floor

Oh, stupid tupperware boxes, that someone my mother puts on a high shelf in the cupboard of doom, so that should I dare try and retrieve one, being 5 foot 2, the lid won't be secure, and will smack me in the mouth!

Also, my kitchen and bathroom floors. Both are tiled, and take great advantage of the fact I normally potter about in socks. They try and kill me if I'm in a rush by making me nearly fall down :(

[4nnabella]

Henry. I hate his smug face. And the way he gets stuck behind doors and topples over. I kick him and call him a bastard.

Oh savagebeauty I'm so glad it's not just me. I got so fed up with twatty Henry getting stuck on the door frame and diving to the floor like a Premiership footballer that I sold him and replaced him with a Vax cordless...

[ValiantMouse]

The ironing board seems delighted to spring surprise attacks on me. I'll walk past it a few times and be fine and then all of a sudden WHAM!!! and the fucking thing had launched itself at me.

I haven't been on speaking terms with a Dyson hoover since I walked past one and broke my little toe on it.

[CantSee4Looking]

ShelaghTurner i had to have stitches thanks to one of those door plastes and it's bastard counterpart.

There is nowhere on my arms that is not bruised due to collisions with doors, my knees now refuse to bruise when they get in a fight with the door frames. And no matter what I do the stupid front door is trying to wake the dead with the most god almighty squeak. My door bell is turned off at the wall as the bastard thing buzzes in a manner that is headache inducing. And I am about to buy shares in a toaster company as I have blown that many up in the last few years.