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Pointless soul destroying ongoing fights with inanimate objects

369 replies

HoneyDragon · 24/11/2015 19:36

The compost bin provided by the council. The bastard. I spent a painful 5 minutes trying to wrestle that fucker shut today before I realised the handle had slipped under the hinge. I won in the end but the fuckers still looking smug in the utility room.

And EVERYTHING in my understairs cupboard works on a rota to pick a fight with me. Sometimes the vacuum and ironing board work together to get me.

What intimate object regularly picks fights with you?

Have you ever finally emerged victorious?

OP posts:
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8
Monroe · 24/11/2015 20:32

Another vote for coat hangers. I despise them and can be regularly heard having shouty arguments with them in the wardrobe.

When I am queen of all the world they will be banned from existence. 👑

YakTriangle · 24/11/2015 20:34

I'm quite relieved it's not just me that hates plastic boxes. Coming out of the dishwasher covered in beaded puddles of water and refusing to fit together properly. Little shits.

Wilhamenawonka · 24/11/2015 20:37

The saucepan I make the porridge in. Non stick my arse.
And the second one I use while the first is soaking definitely not me forgetting about it while hassling small children to get dressed

We also have a table which breeds random objects that stop us being able to eat off it.

Also cutlery. There's just so much of it and it lives at the bottom of the sink mocking my normally very urgent need for a spoon.

Curtains that like staying open and force me to jump around in an energetic fashion just to close them when I'm at my most exhausted.

Oh yes...and jeffing carpets that hide small toys until you stand on them.

meditrina · 24/11/2015 20:40

Teaspoons.

Where do they go? Or do they just hate me and LTB?

RealHuman · 24/11/2015 20:41

My parents (I'm seeing a theme here) have an abstractly patterned rug that likes to swallow the reading glasses that DM and DF strew about with abandon, and spit them up just under my descending foot Hmm

Thepinkcricket · 24/11/2015 20:41

My dishwasher. It likes to clean most of my dishes, but leave one or two completely unclean, ideally ones at an angle that i don't notice until the next day when I get it out of the cupboard and it's all crusty.

Also my phone which spontaneously turns off its ringtone (though that could be my 9 month old - am sure he knows more shortcuts on my phone than i do).

I also have a bastard fridge that waits until I have left the room and then edges back open just enough to warm everything slightly, so that I am unsure how long it has been open and whether I may poison my family at the next meal.

I am moving house next month and hoping my next kitchen will be less evil.

Bounced · 24/11/2015 20:44

My coffee machine makes wonderful coffee. For DH. For me, it makes dishwater or rocket fuel. And randomly refuses to work at all. Naturally reverting to 'perfect coffee every time' the moment DH pushes its buttons. Also, it bites when I try to clear its tray.

Wilhamenawonka · 24/11/2015 20:44

Those glittery stars kids use for craft.
Fuckers. They're pretty right up until you smash a glass (which got tracked through the house) and spend the rest of your life checking if the sparkle is dangerous or not.

Andrewofgg · 24/11/2015 20:45

Coat hangers don't attack me but they breed like rabbits on viagra.

spritefairy · 24/11/2015 20:46

Yes to socks!!

I am either feeding the washing machine or the tumble dryer for their services with socks!!

Tablespoons have gone walking tooConfused

NoelHeadbands · 24/11/2015 20:46

Oh yes, not one but two different hoovers have attempted to murder me whilst cleaning the stairs.

My current nemesis is our back gate. It's a six foot iron contraption which requires one to open and close it by lifting the top latch whilst simultaneously raising a vertical pole that fits into a hole in the ground (you know the type).

Sounds easy enough doesn't it, raise the horizontal latch, lift the iron pole. Piece of proverbial piss.

OH NO! Every fecking time it's like the frickin Krypton Factor. Lift, push, shit dropped the pole, why won't it move? Oh I dropped the latch, hang on...shit well just push a bit harder CHRIST SAKE STOP SCREECHING ACROSS THE CONCRETE YOU'LL WAKE THE WHOLE BLOODY NEIGHBOURHOOD...oops I see, dropped the pole

CanIGoToBedNow · 24/11/2015 20:47

My DS's car seat is mother chuffing funt - it's the maxi cosi axxis. It is such a bastard to put in a car that I have bought another car seat so we never have to move it out of my car.

I have Henry rage regularly

staghunter · 24/11/2015 20:47

I completely lost my temper with a pot of cress today. Since purchasing it three days ago it has fallen out the fridge and out it's packet three times. Even when put right at the back of the top shelf.

This time I threw it in, without it's container and shouted "fucking cress i fucking hate you".
Luckily they are no longer grown with soil, but weird tissuey stuff.

IrenetheQuaint · 24/11/2015 20:53

Duvet covers . Mine apparently has ten different axes, only one of which actually fits the duvet. I spend HOURS rotating the sodding thing.

Wilhamenawonka · 24/11/2015 20:53

Oh yeah. Cupboards that randomly eject items (normally heavy tins) onto the kitchen surface while I'm cooking dinner.

It's only a matter of time before on gets me

RealHuman · 24/11/2015 20:53

My plumbing system, like others mentioned on this thread, has a cruel and twisted sense of humour. I have to turn the bath taps on and off half a dozen times before it'll stop vibrating and banging and reverberating through the whole house. When next door are using water, or the kitchen tap is on, the pressure drops precipitously, biding its time until I turn the bathroom sink taps up high. At this point it likes to go "HA! I HATE YOU" and return to full pressure, and of course the shitty sink can't possibly cope with that kind of onslaught.

The on-demand boiler delivers no hot water, until it does - a mere trickle, but hotter than the sun. It takes eight minutes to fill the bath deep enough to wash in. I've timed it. When the central heating is on it sneers at my attempts to use the hot water.

When the neighbour has a shower, it sometimes inexplicably causes the soil pipe to back up and flood the bathroom with blue, shitty water. The Victorians installed a very special type of sewer on the boundary between here and next door, a design that was discontinued after only a couple of years because it blocks at the first inkling of an actual poo, and which we've had to install a gate over, so it's actually accessible rather than being under a fence.

Sometimes the tap just won't run at all.

Once, I was running the kitchen sink and the tap blew off the top of the pipe. There was a geyser in my kitchen. I called for DP, who, after initially shouting, "Just turn it off", came in, realised what was happening, and reached past me, tutting, to use his manly strength on the stopcock. It eventually required several thwacks with a mini sledgehammer to shift.

And once, the washing machine exploded.

SuffolkNWhat · 24/11/2015 20:55

I did a full on Basil Fawlty on the photocopier at work today with a copy of Teaching Today. Beep at me fucker and I'll hit you with a very dull teaching magazine. Nods.

Euripidesralph · 24/11/2015 20:58

The entire pots and pan cupboard (oddly my mother has the same issue with her pots and pans cupboard.... A bit worried something subconscious going on).... Everything falls out no matter how fucking tidy it is.... Recently it upped the ante by ensuring the actual cupboard door jumps off as you walk past it no matter how many times DH screws it back on

The specific sideboard handle that catches my hip on the way to the fridge

The wireless thermostat that refuses to work until you have turned halfway to the.p boiler to check when it kicks in randomly and smugly proves a point

Am so glad it's not just me.... DH insists I'm fucking nuts because j have threatened horse in the head vendettas against various miscreant inanimate objects .... And he thinks I'm the unhealthy one

KurriKurri · 24/11/2015 21:00

The paper shredder. It doesn't shred paper, it chews at it sulkily for a bit then stops and makes a nasty smell.
Makes no difference how many times I scream at it or ram a screwdriver into it guts, it still does bugger all. It is a big plastic fuckwit.

On the topic of Henrys - the one at my XH's work spontaneously combusted the other day and the whole building (500 people) had to be cleared for a hour - why? Because it was asked to suck up a bit of sawdust and didn't want to.

RJnomore1 · 24/11/2015 21:00

Poor dh is currently in a endless battle with our washer dryer. The kitchen flooring has become collateral damage.

(Personally I'd just buy a new one but I'm under instruction not to)

RealHuman · 24/11/2015 21:05

Oil your shredders, people!

Mintyy · 24/11/2015 21:06

My quite expensive and supposedly superior Bosch washing machine (which I've now had for two years as the reminder letter from John Lewis has just recently informed me and I can insure it for repairs in the next three years for a mere £150 Shock Shock)

Anyway, I put the things in, close the door, press start and EVERY SINGLE TIME it beeps at me that I haven't closed the door properly. So then I have to shove my whole size 16 bulk against that door via the hips. Then it will start. Every time. 7 days a week for 2 years. Fucker.

Ollienoodles45isbananas · 24/11/2015 21:12

Mine are socks: where do the fuckity shits go? Angry
Christmas lights (don't judge, just sorting them out) tripped over those twats today nearly ended up falling arse over tit down stairs.
Steak knives, they live in one draw, come out maybe twice a week...sometimes there's five in the draw sometimes there's six, where the hell does the sixth one go? It's has a better social life than me Angry

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 24/11/2015 21:17

My duvet - it crawls away inside the duvet cover, and leaves me shivering under just a couple of thin layers of cotton. The only time it doesn't do that is if I am too warm, and could do with cooling off - oh yes, then it lies there, inert and too bloody hot.

And pillows - why do they hate me? Sometimes they fall into the perfect,soft shape under my head, cradling it in wonderful comfort. Not often, though - usually they lie there, sullen and lumpen, either the texture of rocks under my cheek, or fading to absolute nothing and not supporting my head at all.

StrangeLookingParasite · 24/11/2015 21:17

Have a heart people! He's only doing his job

What, falling over like a bastardhead?

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