Fictional characters who could have done with a good talking to

[MmeLindor]

Reading this this blog today and thinking that I would have included Donna Moss.

Donna could have done with realising that she was more than just a secretary, or admin assistant. By the end of Season 7, she'd escaped Josh's office and snagged herself a fab job, but wish it hadn't taken so long! Typical scene - in the CJ interview, where she says 'oh, but what do I know', I wanted to give her a good shake.

Who would you include?

Angel Clare - how dare he judge and then shun Tess Durbeyfield for her sexual past (which was an act of rape) when he himself had entered into a relationship with a woman outside of marriage?

Good one Talc Scarlett o hara of course and ASHLEy.

Gregory House. Stop being such a fucking arsehole and then playing the victim. Yes you're going to be miserable and alone and you know why? Because you're a twat! Also, have some bloody professionalism. I'm on to your game, House

Also Cuddy, just fire his slack arse.

Gatsby - Daisy Buncanan is a horrid horrid person - you've chased the dream and found her, now walk away. she's not worth it

so true

Red Riding Hood. Are you kidding me? You can't tell the difference between a wolf and your own Grandma?!

JeanneDeMontbaston that is amazing

Harry Potter - it could just as easily have been Neville. So think on.

I think this must be my most favourite thread ever. Love these suggestions.

Jeanne
Donna and CJ? Someone planted CJ and Toby into my mind a while ago, and I 'm watching scenes differently now. Don't do this to me.

CJ and Toby is canon. There's a line in about season 6, where they talk about those times they forget they work together and go get drunk.

But sorry. I'll keep the imagery of the other one to myself.

Mummy & Daddy Pig: teach your son its dinOsaur not 'Dinesaw'

Ron Weasley, don't listen to the haters, I think you're lovely.

Camilla in the Secret History- make friends with some girls and maybe think about changing classes.

Edward Ferrers, you're a drip and Elinor deserves much better.

I'd like to know what's wrong with Garnie in Ballet Shoes, other than I guess she should t have forced Petrova to be a dancer when she so clearly hated it. And at the end, Pauline doesn't want to go to Hollywood, she wants to carry on doing theatre - but she signs a film contract to pay for Posy's ballet tuition. Boo, not fair. So yes actually I see why Garnie might be a bit annoying.

Because Garnie should get a job! Instead of planning to sell the house and guilting three orphans into thinking they have to go out to work.

The Pontipines and the Wottingers - stop wearing your hat to bed, Mr P and Mr W, let your children sleep in a different room to you, and stop losing them when you are out and about in the Night Garden.

Mary-Lou (Chalet school) needs to butt out. And Joey Maynard needs to move away from the school, and get a life.

And every chick-lit character who sees or overhears something, and then leaps to the worst possible conclusion, causing a mess that isn't sorted out until practically the end of the book - just ask them about it, ffs!

Garnie is really badly educated, though. She can't cope with a 7 (?) year old's maths work. So I wonder what she could have done (though she is, plainly, mostly not getting a job because it's 'not the done thing').

Jon Snow get your head out of your arse and keep Ghost with you at ALL times. Trust NO ONE.

I've got a bone to pick with your Dad too actually. FFS Ned! You've destroyed your entire family because you were too soft and slow to do what needed to be done and actually told the queen your entire game plan. What's WRONG with you?!

Bells from Twilight: the bloke told you he wanted to suck your blood on the first date, and you MARRIED him?!

Ana from fifty shades: go find someone who doesn't think their undercarriage is the answer to world peace.

Bella's Father from Twilight: you're a police officer, you know how to hide a body and get away with it. Just saying.....

Desdemona. I'd recommend that you listen to Emilia by the time you get to act 3...

Lily Bart in The House of Mirth. Now I can see why she sees herself almost as an object - that's due to her upbringing and the time and milieu she lives in. But FFS swallow your pride and marry one of the several eligible men who keeps asking you, if marriage is what you want!!!!

Wuthering Heights.

Cathy's parents. If you want your son and daughter to have decent lives, please listen to me. Just bloody adopt Heathcliff legally and properly, and take care to treat him as Cathy's brother from then on. Not a servant of the family or whatever you were planning. Otherwise he is going to fixate on Cathy and she is going to fixate on him and it is going to be more unhealthy than you can fathom. And keep that son of yours under control and stop him trying to keep Heathcliff in his place.

Harry Potter, why haven't you noticed the only people wearing glasses are you, Trelawney (and she's almost a squib) and Dumbledore with his reading demi-lunettes (which appears to be more decorative than functional)? Doesn't that make you wonder why a lot of your friends know Optical Laseris Therapeuticus, so that's yet another thing they're not telling you.
Willy Wonka, can I see your CRB documentation please?
Captain Corelli, stay off the lorry, it ain't a picnic in the hills they've got planned.

This made me laugh, I must yell at Donna every episode. And Dr Bartlett - don't give up being a doctor! You can't just lurch around the White House all day.

"Go shag some Greeks and be happy." To be fair, she does, doesn't she? We've only got a load of old bloke authors' word for it that she was miserable and repentant.

Magdalen Vanstone in No Name - stop reproaching yourself. You may have schemed to get your rightful inheritance back, but the people you schemed against were TOTAL BASTARDS. Try to enjoy life, and thank goodness you're not as boring as that good-girl sister of yours.

True. Maybe there's a suppressed feminist alternative ending out there, cobbled together by Christine de Pizan and Margery Kempe. I would actually pay good money to hear their creative writing club discussion. 'No, Christine! I remember about bumsex from before my vow of chastity - it's not a misogynist plot to humiliate us at all!'

Agree about yelling at Dr B.

Clytemnestra: it isn't Cassandra's fault. She's just another victim of Agamemnon so don't kill her. It's okay to KTB (kill the bastard) but you need a better plan, because this one won't work. It turns out Iphigenia isn't dead, any way.

Lord Peter, don't be such an arse as to ask some woman to marry you when (a) she's only just met you and (b) she's got a lot on her mind like her impending death from a miscarriage of justice.

Give it a month or two, eh?

"Garnie in Ballet Shoes"

Why, what did Garnie do? Although GUM needs a talking to. Stop gathering up babies, some of whom aren't even orphaned, and posting them back to your niece while you pootle around the world spending all the money.

Paris, for nicking Helen and getting everyone in the shit, and then being an utter twat to Hector

(I'm paraphrasing Homer a little here)

Willy Wonka - you are not quirky and eccentric, you're fucking creepy and a judgemental twat. Sort yourself out.