What would your father do if you were kidnapped by Parisian sex traffickers?

[MitzyLeFrouf]

I'm watching Liam Neeson in Taken as he kicks, wallops and murders his way across Paris in pursuit of his abducted daughter? It's made me wonder what my father would do if such a situation arose.

He's an ex-accountant with a dodgy hip so I'm not sure he'd follow the Neeson method of daughter retrieval. He'd be more likely to start the rescue by putting the kettle on, having a cup of tea and checking the weather forecast in Paris. Then he'd have to phone the 67 relatives to inform them of my perilous situation. By the time he got off the phone to my Auntie Mary my virtue would be long lost.

What would your dear old dad do?

My would talk about how he was going to kill them whilst drinking a can of bitter.

That would have been my mother's partner's approach. Except that the can of bitter would be substituted for endless pots of dark brown tea while him and his fellow band of Utter Wastes of Space, plotted to put together a fearless mercenary army that would take Europe by murderous storm. After an entire day spent excitedly planning in the local greasy spoon cafe, this crew of brave warriors would go home, eat their teas and fall asleep in front of the TV. Not a one of them was capable of rescuing the skin off a rice pudding in reality.

These are hilarious.
Mine would drink tea (gin in the past) , smoke a LEISURELY (let us be clear on that) cigarette and then SOMEHOW it would all be sorted. Through no fault of his own, you understand, simply by virtue of being HIM.
Sums up most of my childhood.

Mine would be on his laptop quick smart. I would be retrieved via desk based research and family tree investigation and thus identification of the culprits.

Alternatively he could invoke his ancient computer programming knowledge to shut down the traffic light systems and possibly telephone exchanges in some developing countries with old infrastructure and secure my release through negotiation with said countries if I was lucky enough to be in one of them (unlikely).

Mine would've tried to look like he was sorting it but in reality he would've called his mates Dodgy Rog (real name) and Jimmy to ''ave a word' with some of their dodgier pals and hope someone had a contact in France.

This of course would be highly unlikely as they have never dealt with anything further than their estate and then only to carry out a bit of shoplifting, car stereo theft and maybe some poaching.

My dad would sigh like Phil Mitchell pretending he was bothered but really would rather leave me to my fate.

He would go and find me, he has always loved Paris.

No, honestly, he probably would have problem with his blood pressure, but he would jump to confront the kidnappers to protect any of his DDs (or at least that's what he did when somebody tried to hijack my sister's car outside his house).

My dad watches those kinds of movies all the time, so should know how to use a gun etc and would probably happily go to Paris. The only thing is, he would probably want to drive there like we used to when we were little and be held up by recording how long the journey was taking in his dictaphone, so I'd probably be dead/addicted to heroin by the time he got there.

He would say "oh aye, Paris you say? I was there in 1967. Met this bird on the Champs Elysee. ." And there would follow a wink and a slightly filthy heh heh" and he would roll another cig, before remembering what you had told him and then mumble something about me being a big girl and able to handle meself.
Sometimes I get my Dad and Frank Gallagher mixed up in my head..

While my father would be worried, my mother would make it all about her and cry uncontrollably and say that she feels like she has been kidnapped and that she has suffered and then drink 2 bottles of wine and wail about how thoughtless I was to get kidnapped and ask what on earth will she is supposed to say to her friends and the people at church

Dad would pretend not to notice the two empty bottles and leave me a voicemail reminding me that I am making my mother sick by my recklessness

My dad was the sort to have made plans over bitter cheap American beer. He possibly would have considered calling to see if my uncle the cop could stretch some sort of connection with Paris police. But mostly he would have been gotten drunk and felt sorry for himself, then picked a kid to be angry at.

My mother would have probably ended up sorting it through connections at the Catholic church and very distant German cousins. She usually sorted most things somehow, as her husband was kind of useless.

Mine would've muttered a bit, canceled his golf game. Done a few careful calculations, checked some documents and then set the Inland Revenue after fuckers.

Brilliant thread. My Dad is quite "an eye for an eye" so he would immediately set about kidnapping the bloke's family and get my Mum to take photos of him killing them one by one. They don't know how to work the video camera. There would be lots of shouting and telling her off for fetching him the wrong murder-tools. Then when he got me back he would shout at me for having been out past my bedtime and therefore completely to blame for my own predicament.

My Dad has actually rescued me from more than one sticky situation, one involving a very unsuitable man in the bad part of Leytonstone. And once from a car stuck in a muddy ditch, pretending he didn't know that it was in the local lover's lane and I'd clearly been shagging up to no good. My poor dad

A thermos would be filled.
Sandwiches would be made.
An expedition would be mounted.

My mother would sort it all out.

My Dad would probably wonder what I had done to encourage the sex traffickers

My dad would say "Zoots alors" or some other O Level French, and then get back to his The Times Crossword.

He might possibly them remember who I was, and hope he'd be relieved of childcare duties in time to be home for Pointless.

My D Godfather would round up la mia famiglia, get his illegal Smith & Weston out of its hiding place and charter a black hawk to Paris. He thinks he's the love child of John Wayne and Marlon Brando...

It would have to wait until after Bargain Hunt though...

tbh though, not sure how interested the traffickers would be with me and my stretch marks. Not too good at walking in high heels too...

My Dad's only concern would be whether I had the Michelin guidebook with me and had seen a suitable number of architectural & historical places of interest before/during/after being raped, pillaged & murdered. If it was a Monday, he would be slightly concerned as a lot of the museums in France are shut on a Monday. He'd also want to know if I had got around to getting one of those cards that you pre-load foreign currency onto.

Try and get in touch with the Mafia, no doubt and remind them his great Uncle used to work for them, so they owe him, before realising this was 60 years ago and anyone who remembers his great uncle is probably long dead.

He'd then ring round a few more dead or dying untowards he knew back in his day before giving up and declaring that his birds are his only family anyway (he actually told me that bit last week)

My dad would ring up the equivalent of the Prime Minister in the country we're from (who happens to have his voter base in my town and whose sister was my Maths teacher at school), harangue said PM and / or lackey he got put through to on the phone and get them to use political connections in France to try and get me released. He would remind PM and lackey that he has been a loyal [political party name] voter for years and they'll never again get his vote if they don't do something . He really does think that a single vote matters, god bless him.

And then, yes, as with many of you, it would be all my fault for having gone to France in the first place, what was I thinking, don't I know the kind of people you'd meet in Paris etc etc.

Mine would write down all the salient points on the back of a reused envelope. After making some anagrams he would water the plants in the greenhouse and eventually decide that the poor kidnappers were about to get their arse handed to them. Absolved of all responsibility he could have a cuppa whilst including a few more French words in his anagram list. If he did get angry when it turned out I was no kick ass avenger he would write a stern letter to the local paper. Good job I am too old to be picked up atairports Huh.

This thread has had me in tears!

My father would probably phone my dodgy uncle and head straight over to Paris.... Said uncle would then rescue me whilst most likely father would get distracted by sightseeing in Paris and arrange to meet us on the ferry ride home!

My dad is awesome, he'd be straight on the next ferry to retrieve me and would call on his old army buddies to assist, he'd carry out a daring rescue involving machine guns and helicopters and then give DP a good dressing down for being useless, then would ensure that we drove home via Belgium so he could stock up on cheap baccy that he could flog on to recover the cost of the trip.

Then he'd make me give him my tickets to see the foo fighters as compensation (I spent half an hour on the phone telling him he couldn't have them the other day)

He's 65 this year and is an unbelievably cool dad, in fact, way cooler than me

Un fils tres excellent OP.
What would my dad do? He would pull out all the stops trying to get me but would possibly minimalise my kidnapping after the event by telling me it was 'character building'. He would use power tools to finish off my captives but possibly tell me it was my fault/I am a shit magnet/I shouldn't try to fight back if want to sustain less injury/surprise at my being auctioned in the first place as I don't make an effort with make-up. But he'd be a thousand times more useful than my DP who would use the opportunity to do his Liam Neeson impression before deciding to watch the trilogy again (yep, taken 2 and taken 3, the least said, the better).

Talking of impressions and I say this on every Taken thread, the Steve Coogan impression/Rob Brydon riff on youtube is brilliant:

What are his special skills?Is he a supply teacher?
I do this for a living...now get out your textbooks!!!