Did I really say that?...

[Flyinggeese21]

Still cringing 24 hours later after saying something embarrassing yesterday... I think there have been similar threads before but does anyone want to share 'can the ground just swallow me up now' moments?

At my regular fitness class and someone who goes usually has issues with stitch and we sometime have a chat about how far in advance of exercise we eat, just small talk. Yesterday I asked him had he had his usual pre-workout snack. And then I said... 'I thought of you when I was eating a banana earlier'. WHAT?! Why?

Oh dear Psammed - you never know - perhaps she's a MNer and is reading this thread laughing along with us you.

A few years ago I was at a friends wedding, chatting to a friend. I was 14 weeks pregnant and she said how much she'd like a child, and if she was still single by the time she was 35 she'd find a sperm donor.

I blurted out "ooh, you could borrow DH! He's good!"

What was I THINKING? I don't know who was more embarrassed, me, my friend, or my poor DH who was standing right next to us.

I think that was the last time in my life I ever tried to be cool.

At my grandmothers funeral a few years back my uncle casually asked me how I was to which I replied "I'm alive".

Tbh I used to say that everytime anyone asked me how I was but ive never said it since.

I asked my stepdad to milk me. Was making a cup of tea and he was stood by the fridge! What makes it worse is that I was breastfeeding at the time.
Another time I was thinking about buying some of those seamless knickers to wear under a dress I'd bought. I spotted a pair on my mum's radiator and wanted to ask her if they were any good. Except instead of saying "Mum are these your seamless knickers?" I actually said "Mum are these your crotchless knickers?" to a room full of people!

I accidentally managed to say I'd be up all night for the erection instead of the election yesterday I tried to just pretend I didn't say it but my friend definitely heard and couldn't stop laughing at me.

There's a mum at the school that scares me a bit yesterday we were both running up to the school a bit late & she said to me 'oh at least I'm not the only one late!' And I said 'yes I'm so sorry' WTF! Why did I apologise to her?!?

I was in the optician's with the dcs yesterday. After a lengthy visit, I then said to the two women in there, "And now I move on to a peculiar request from my husband...." ??

I then compounded the situation by snorting with laughter to the mortification of dd.

(It was just about new lenses btw.)

Roobix Yours has reminded me of something I accidentally said to my MIL the very first time I met her, about half an hour after we'd been introduced. They'd come to visit us and we were all going to take our dog for a walk. Our dog had a very complicated harness, which DH and I always referred to as her 'knickers' because she had to step into it and then have it pulled up her legs and fastened, I was sure I'd seen MIL go upstairs and the dog go into the front room, so I marched in saying 'Right then, Missus, let's get some knickers on you so we can go out!' only to discover MIL and no dog! She replied 'I've already got some on, thank you....'

I said 'love you, bye' accidentally to the teenage cashier on the checkout in Cadbury world once
Laughed out loud at that one thanks Banksy

Yesterday the boss asked me if I was ok...I wasn't particularly and said I am dealing with some shit at the moment. He told me it was all going to be ok and because I know he's going through some horrid stuff at the moment, made the comment that I believed him when he said it would be ok because his shit was bigger and smellier than mine...

Not mine, but an ex who worked in a cinema had to serve a customer quite early in the day. She was buying tickes for a later showing of a film. She handed over the money to pay, and quite a substantial part of it was in 1 and 2ps. Ex sighed in a half-jokey way and said 'Argh! I hate coppers'. A second later he noticed she was in a police uniform.

One place-marking word. Classics!

These are brilliant!

I could fill up a book with embarrasments - it's like my brain has no mouth filter!

One I remember off the top of my head is the first time I met my DP.

It was New Years Eve, and he was part of a group my friend introduced to me on the night. We ended up sat next to each other for a bit and just having a casual small talk conversation. Anyways, 2 of the group were having a heated discussion and he turns round to me and says "I really want to do something awkward" (to get rid of the tension). My response/suggestion was "What? Like get your willy out?"

To be fair, that would've been fairly awkward. And he did contact me a contact me a couple weeks later to see if I wanted to go out for a drink, so it can't have been that bad....

Last year I was fumbling about with an infuriating self-checkout machine in Sainsbury's.
I was in a rush, hormonal, had had a rotten day and was generally in a foul temper as the checkout seemed to malfunction in some way with everything I tried to scan.
The final straw was when one of the potatoes I was trying to weigh rolled off the machine onto the floor to which my response was spontaneously and loudly shouting at it to "fuck off then you spud cunt."
I then had to finish and pay with my face on fire knowing everyone was staring at the crazed woman who had just shouted at a potato in the middle of a supermarket.
Mortifying.

'fuck off then you spud cunt'.

My sides HURT!!!!!!!

On a two day training course, a woman next to me was holding court and talking about babies. I asked her when she was due...her baby was 6 months old

Walking towards a large automatic door, DP said to me 'come on fatty, I'm sure you can manage to get your fat arse through them if you breathe in'. Just as a very overweight woman was in front of us and turned around..

And having to use the phonetic alphabet when spelling over the phone. Only 'N' is for 'knob' and 'C' is for 'cock'

A long time ago in the university common room in my first year, there was a really, really attractive student who looked very much like someone from home. So I marched up and said "Don't I know you from somewhere?" like some desperate moron. He was ridiculously good looking. And my friend was very interested in his friend, who was sitting next to him at the time.

By a horrible streak of misfortune, they ended up befriending some mutual friends, so I spent the whole year being tortured by him and all his mates walking up to me asking me if they knew me from somewhere. Mercifully they were final year students. I'm not sure my friend ever forgave me for ruining her chances.

Psammead I feel your pain, I once shortened 'Alpaca' to 'pakki' when at a farm. I have no idea why. And of course there was an Asian family standing nearby. I just hope they didn't hear me

fuck off then you spud cunt

That is utter, utter brilliance. I am CRYING with laughter.

I have told this one before but here is mine, whilst waiting outside cubs to collect my son

Nice Lady - I have a daughter in guides and that is my son there (points at little boy)
Me - I have 4 myself, a daughter in rangers, 2 in cubs and a little beaver

Smarties has me properly crying here

fuck off then you spud cunt

I have just come out with a really weird noise while trying not to LOL at this in the office.

Just cracked up to fuck off then you spud cunt