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Original poster

Really inappropriate funeral thread

243 replies

Wh0dathunkit · 29/07/2014 21:51

So, I'll share mine first.....
Had to decide (without a great deal of getting to know said deceased) what would be the most appropriate music....
We were doing really well. We found "Wish me luck as I wave you goodbye" as the out-tro...
Unfortunately, the CD we used was one of those odd old school ones where it wasn't just the song you were looking for but 2 other songs as well on a single track.
The other track was "Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler".
Whilst we warned the funeral directors, and they did a great job the first few repeats, a few slips happened. I'm not sure if the rellos found it funny (she was a game old bird), or if they were just too polite to say anything...

Please share, you'll make me feel better!

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 31/07/2014 10:20

I think it's gone now, hasn't it? It was great fun but I remember there was some shit with the council and the man was supposed to take it down; there was a petition to keep it but I can't remember what the outcome was.

UriGeller · 31/07/2014 10:43

We took our then 18mo ds to grans funeral. He was beautifully behaved...

Sang along "aaa-oooooo aaaa" very loudly with everyone during the hymns and at the end, when the coffin was slowly transported through the velvet curtains he waved madly and shouted "bye bye! Bye bye Dear!" And blew kisses.

It was very touching.

Mooycow · 31/07/2014 10:45

After my dad died , we had to register his death , now bearing in mind his last wife (4th) left him for another man , whilst my dad was in the early stages of dementia, for the records she had to be named on the cert as wife .(they are still legally married ) the registrar asked what was her occupation? i asked was money grabbing whore an option , she did laugh , oohh that reminds me , I must inform her one day lol Blush

PigeonPie · 31/07/2014 10:48

Thumbwitch - completely off topic, but the shark was still there when I went through Headington about two months ago.

secretsquirrels · 31/07/2014 10:51

My late MIL was talking about a funeral of some distant relative she had been to. DS2,then 3, piped up
"Grandma, when will you die?"

Thumbwitch · 31/07/2014 10:55

Oh hurrah! glad it's still there.

Sorry will stop shark-jacking the thread now! BlushGrin

AdoraBell · 31/07/2014 12:55

Thumbwhich Grin apparently that's what all the mourners thought too as the decased had had a very good sense of humour and they all thought it was the perfect ending for him.

BeaglesOfDeathMetal · 31/07/2014 13:46

Ashes in the wind are indeed a terrible hazard.

My grandmother had wanted her ashes to be scattered under a tree in her local churchyard, but the vicar refused permission.

Undeterred, my DF, cousin and uncle went to the churchyard after dark and proceeded to scatter away. At that point, the wind started blowing really strongly taking the ashes with it, prompting uncle to shout "Don't open your mouths, lads!"

When a light went on in the vicarage window and they scarpered Grin

tb · 31/07/2014 16:41

Many years ago, in the seaside town of Hoylake, an elderly 'gentleman' died. Probably belonging to a former fishing family, his request was that his ashes were to be scattered from the Hoylake lifeboat.

Those of us that knew the vicar found it highly amusing - his main contact with the sea was drinking pink gin, and the death occurred around mid-March. The equinox, gale force winds in the Irish sea.

Just hope he managed to throw the ashes in the right direction, and didn't get a face full if the wind changed - not to mention the problem of sea-sickness.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/09/2014 16:51

Not as good as some of these but: a couple of years ago a friend of mine died and I (having trained as a BHA officiant) did her funeral. Her friends and family wanted a particular piece of music, which is the theme to a well-known programme (not saying what in case it outs us) but the actual piece of music is only available on crematorium music collections as the whole track, which is mostly quite boring - the bit that everyone knows is the middle eight.
So a friend who was some sort of sound engineer knocked up an MP3 of both the announcer's voice and the programme theme, but the crem staff got arsey about loading it into their special music system. They agreed to provide us with a CD player on which we could play the special MP3.

So, on the day, CD player was there - but no one brought the CD. As officiant it was down to me to deal with it, so I just got to that part of the funeral (the coffin going through the curtains) and told the mourners briefly what had happened, and that they should imagine the song in their heads as they all knew it.
And I could almost hear my deceased friend in my head, hooting with laughter and going, honestly, can't you get anything right?

Peppa87 · 03/09/2014 17:07

I went to a ceremony a few weeks after the persons funeral where ashes were scattered. The urn was dropped part way through scattering and went bouncing down the carpark of the chapel of rest with a trail of ashes floating in the air... Confused

SootikinAndSweep · 03/09/2014 17:25

When my dad's coffin was put into the hearse after the funeral my then four year old nephew proclaimed proudly to the assembled mourners, "my Grandad's in that box!".

tipp2chicago · 04/09/2014 11:52

At my Granny's funeral, just at the graveside. One of my Granddad's cousins came over to sympathise with my Mam. "God, you got very like Aunt Eily. (Mam's Grandma) You weren't like her when you were young, but you got very like her since you got fleshy!". Honest to God, we didn't know where to look.

Longdistance · 04/09/2014 12:04

My dg went to his gm funeral last year in Melbourne, and it was all a light hearted affair.
when at the funeral chapel, everyone had a chance to say goodbye to gm. As dh went up, he kicked/tripped up in a bucket of flowers that was placed next to the coffin. Everyone ended up sniggering about it, as everyone in his family are clumsy including gm.

Longdistance · 04/09/2014 12:05

Dg? Should be dh.

cherrybombxo · 04/09/2014 13:12

I have no memory of this but apparently my parents were left with a red face after my cousin died when I was little. He was 21, died of a drug overdose and I tried to cheer my uncle (his dad) up by making him a card that said "enjoy your funeral". I managed to get it past my mum without her noticing and she was mortified, though apparently my uncle was very nice about it Blush

Chorister · 05/09/2014 16:38

My gran died a few years ago, and being a very devout Catholic family we held a Rosary for her the evening before her body was taken to the church.

My wee granny was at the Rosary, deaf as a door nail, but praying loudly, and very very out of time.

We had all finished the Hail Mary to hear this broad Irish accent "OF OUR DEATH AMEN" every single time, and there are a LOT of Hail Marys in a decade of the Rosary. I had to dig my nails into the palm of my hand to stop myself giggling. Walked outside after and my Mum, who's mother had died, burst out laughing!

At the graveside we all were to throw a handful of earth on top of the coffin. My DD was about 2 at the time and took to the task with MUCH gusto, two handfuls of dirt, chucked in full force and I had to grab her before she went in with it! I could hear muffled giggles from the assembled family!!

It poured so heavily on the day we buried her you could hardly hear the priest in the cemetery, I had a wee smile at that as my wee gran always did say that at a funeral it only rains on the good!

truthwithin · 07/09/2014 02:15

Ex-Dp overtaking the hearse at 90 miles ph as he wanted to "get there first"

I was Shockin car with current DP. Did he think he had to reserve a seat?

Benedictinemonk · 07/09/2014 07:37

We (DW and I) recently purchased a big, black estate car, DW has remarked since that it looks like a hearse. I refused to accept this, until recently I drove through a neighbouring village and from a group of sombre suited people by the side of the road, one stepped out to wave me down.

JoanJettPack · 07/09/2014 12:38

My dad's side of the family is huge and we had a spate of funerals a couple of years ago, mostly involving his relatives.

At one of the wakes, my db commented that the vicar looked a bit like Shrek, which he did. We all found it hilarious. Until my dh's grandma died a few weeks later and it was the same vicar.

I was stood there, trying to look sombre, with my brain shouting "Donkey" all through the ceremony.

Ememem84 · 22/01/2015 12:06

have been rummaging through classics and came across this thread, which seemed apt given that we are burying my lovely grandad (DM's dad) tomorrow (and am dreading it).

a few years ago, my lovely grandma died (DF's mum). Other lovely grandad (DF's dad) walked up to the coffin at the end of the creme ceremony, slapped it in the way you'd imagine someone sending off a car/bus, and said "be good in there won't you don't cause any mischief. save some room for me"

So cute. We all heard him and started laughing. bit inappropriate.

EthelCardew · 26/01/2015 21:17

I just have to add my UNBELIEVABLY INAPPROPRIATE story!

The local bishop took my grandmother-in-law's funeral a few years ago and whilst waiting outside the church, he was very jolly and jokey and we all smiled along with him, trying not to be too sombre.

He then made several dubious comments and the old dears present started frowning and facing the other way, and then it descended into extremely inappropriate behaviour.

I can't remember all that he said and did, I was in shock, but the two things that we will NEVER forget is him referring to his aspergillum (the holy water sprinkler thing) as a sex toy with thrusting hand gestures, and him pretending to be gay and lifting his robes to offer his bum to my FIL!!

It really was Smile then Hmm then Shock ! Talk about surreal. Those poor old dears.

When my DH had recovered from the shock, he sent a brilliant letter of complaint with a line pointing out how inappropriate it was to be spraying his grandmother's coffin with his "aspergillum-cum-dildo" in it. It is still hard to believe this actually happened!

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 27/01/2015 16:05

Me and my mother attended the funeral of a 21 year old a few years ago.

As he was young, we were unsure of the dress code, so I wore a nice dress but took a more appropriate style black funeral dress with me, and figured that I'd get changed if everyone else was wearing black.

We've arrived, and drove past everyone waiting outside and noticed that they were all wearing black suits and dresses, so I thought that I'd get changed, discreetly, in the car.

Me being me, managed to get into an absolute state and was sitting in the front if the car, parked up, with nothing on but a bra up top when the hearse and mourning family members arrived Blush

TedAndLola · 27/01/2015 20:27

My dear nan was at a friend's funeral, and a relative politely made small talk:

Relative: "So, Mrs Lola's Nan, I hear you and [dead person] used to get a Dial-A-Ride to the shops every Monday?"
My nan: "Oh yes. But not last week, because she was dead."

TedAndLola · 27/01/2015 20:27

Also, at the last funeral I went to, the hearse got lost.