Really inappropriate funeral thread

[Wh0dathunkit]

So, I'll share mine first.....
Had to decide (without a great deal of getting to know said deceased) what would be the most appropriate music....
We were doing really well. We found "Wish me luck as I wave you goodbye" as the out-tro...
Unfortunately, the CD we used was one of those odd old school ones where it wasn't just the song you were looking for but 2 other songs as well on a single track.
The other track was "Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler".
Whilst we warned the funeral directors, and they did a great job the first few repeats, a few slips happened. I'm not sure if the rellos found it funny (she was a game old bird), or if they were just too polite to say anything...

Please share, you'll make me feel better!

[Cyclebump]

When my gran died, her sister flew over from New Jersey for the funeral. The last time they'd seen each other US aunt had shouted at my gran as she was a diagnosed hyperchondriac and had basically decided she wanted to die, whereas US aunt had survived brain surgery etc.

US aunt wanted to see the body and dragged my sister with her. Dad and I went too as dsis really didn't want to go. We all stood solemnly as my US aunt got ready to say goodbye. We then spent the next ten minutes biting our lips and stifling giggles as US aunt (in a Soranos type accent) loudly apologised for 'telling you I was going to kick you in the ass, I wasn't really going to kick you in the ass'.

Dad had been dreading the funeral, but that really lightened the mood.

[steppemum]

I had an 'uncle' (aunties partner) who was an antisocial old sod. No-one knew much about his family. When he died my aunt contacted the family and they came to the funeral

village church, about 10 mourners and a couple played a folk song on guitars. It was dreadful, tuneless and Just. Awful. Mum and I were killing ourselves trying not to laugh.
Then at the wake, his sister said 'shame they got the dates wrong on the coffin' What?? Turns out, he had lied to aunt about his age for his whole life. She never knew. He was 5 years older.

Went to a wedding last year, the husband had asked everyone to wear bright colours. We did and at the crematorium, there were other groups, all in black, and I was really pleased we were all in bright colours.

[Latara]

When my nan (dad's mum) was in hospital dying - the hospital Chaplain came to anoint her.

He's a big bloke. He sat down on a chair by her bed - and his trousers split!! It was hilarious at a totally inappropriate moment...

We asked him to take her funeral service and he was very good but one of my cousins couldn't stop giggling through her tears at the thought of his trousers ripping.

[AntoinetteCosway]

My grandfather was buried in a very large cathedral with about 600 mourners. I was having a cigarette outside beforehand and bent down to stub it out, ripping the back of my dress in the process-right from the hem at the knee to above my arse. Everyone else had already gone inside so I had to make a split second decision and there was no one left outside for me to borrow a coat from. I ended up tottering down the aisle in my heels with my hands 'casually' held over as much of the split as possible, all the way to the front of the cathedral in front of the entire congregation. To make it worse there were about a dozen bishops there, including the then Archbishop of Canterbury. Thank God they were at the front so didn't get an eyeful.

I'm pretty sure my grandfather would have found it hysterical!

[Rhine]

My dad went to a funeral once where the man standing next to him had obviously been reading the wrong thing and said "Amen" very loudly in the wrong place. My dad struggled not to crumble into hysterics.

[ruby1234]

An elderly friend of mine, his wife died many years ago. On the day of the funeral they followed the hearse to the crematorium, typical funeral day, dark November clouds and lashing with rain.
The hearse got a serious puncture. Anyway, they had to take the coffin out of the hearse to get to the spare wheel, the funeral directors held a brolly over (some of) the coffin to save it from the rain at the side of the road.
Friend and family in the car behind, watching. Someone started to laugh, and in the end the whole car was laughing, the funeral directors looking on from the rain outside. They started to laugh too.
No-one kept a straight face all day.

[Marylou62]

A friend of my DH, who he'd known since birth, died. We had visited him lots and HE told us that he didn't want black worn. So my DH wore his famous hawaiin shirt and I wore a colourful outfit. We were the only inappropriately dressed people there!! Embarrassed doesn't cover it! Even his widow was all in black. We can laugh now but....

[MummyTheGregor]

at my Grandad's funeral the organist was playing the theme from The Godfather on a loop as the congregation were coming in.... Grandad not a fan of the film/no mafia ties (he was a bradford based civil servant!!) as far as I know and I'm pretty sure Nana has never seen it, probs not even heard of it.... DH and I had a giggle, now it makes me smile and think of Grandad.

[TalcAndTurnips]

At the wake after the funeral of an elderly relative, one of my cousins had to leave early because of work commitments. He had been promised the rather swish stereo system by the deceased relative - so was encouraged to take it with him there and then, seeing as he lived a fair distance away.

Latecomers to the wake were greeted by the slightly undignified sight of cousin wheeling the stereo down the front path towards his car, topped with a cardboard box full of pictures, knick knacks and a coffee percolator. We were helpless with laughter looking out of the window at his attempts to appear Non-Grabby and Respectful.

[Taz1212]

At my mother's funeral an elderly neighbour collapsed and the entire (small New England town) police force of 4 plus ambulance crew turned up. The priest ignored all the commotion as they lay my neighbour in the middle of the aisle and eventually carted her off (she was fine, it was just too hot for her in the tiny chapel!!). He just said, "Oh, that's XX, and old neighbour of Taz's mum. Let me tell you a story about XX's late husband and Taz's mum" and then told this story about one time my mum had had a massive fight with my neighbour's late husband!

Then he carried on with the service without missing a beat.

[SheWhoDaresGins]

Oh my these are all fantastic, I hope it goes in classics.

I am crying with laughter.

[PenelopePitstops]

Brilliant thread

'oh mum do we not get to see the flames'

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

After my 100yo GFIL's funeral, his similarly ancient friend tottered over to offer condolences at the crematorium and added with a sigh 'I'm not sure it's worth me going home...'

[ballsballsballs]

One of my relatives is an undertaker. The first time he acted as a pall bearer they got to the church and realised he'd not done it before, so they did a couple of practice laps of the car park.

[TalcAndTurnips]

At the recent funeral of a family member, the very busy crematorium operated a tight schedule. As one party were ushered out of the side door 'to admire the flowers', the next bunch were gathering for the next service.

This led to the inevitable overspill of one funeral party mingling with others. All fine and good, but several members of ours were chatted to by mourners who wanted to know how they knew Edie and didn't they think it was a shame about that nurse at the rest home?

One friend said that she didn't have the heart to say I have no idea who Edie is and you're in the wrong area. She smiled and nodded beyond the point where she could fess up to not being connected.

This must happen all the while; the conveyor-belt style operation was a bit shit.

[RufusTheReindeer]

My mums funeral

My dad noticed that my flowers in the church weren't with the family ones, the priest is walking round the coffin, my dad makes my brother nip up and move them...when the priest makes his 2nd circuit there is a fucking huge bouquet where there wasn't one before!!! He went arse over tit

Then he nearly choked to death on the incense being waved around by a very enthusiastic alter boy...the priest was not having a good day

My friends funeral

My DH took the morning off to drive me there and back and to take over with reading the eulogy because he thought I would be in bits and crying too much

He took one look at the husband and children sat in the front of the church and started crying...didn't bloody stop, completely fucking useless bless him!!

[TrustMeImLying]

My 5yr old DNiece was sat on my lap during my DGM's funeral earlier in the year, I was sobbing but trying to do it silently do she didn't get too distressed. She obviously could feel me shaking though as she very loudly asked why I was laughing so much and told me that it wasn't very funny that DGM was going to live in the river as she couldn't eat chocolate biscuits now. (No idea why she thought she was going to live in the river). Bless her

[Excitedforxmas]

My dd had just turned 1 when my grandmother died. Just as they lowered the coffin and said we lay beryl to rest dd piped up Hip hip horray !!!

[PuppyMonkey]

There is the famous tale which I'm not even sure is true of a family who wanted Everything I do, I do it for you from Robin Hood as the funeral music for a relative.

The crematorium got mixed up and played the "Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding through the glen " version

[aJumpedUpPantryBoy]

Not a funeral, but related.
DH and I were having coffee in a cafe and there was a gentleman sat at the table next to us. Another couple came in who obviously knew the solitary gentleman and came over to say hello

Couple: how are you John, it's been ages since we saw you
John: I'm well thanks. brief pause I buried the wife last month
John takes a bite of his teacake, couple look taken aback
silence as John chews
John: (in as kindly, explanatory tone) she had died, you see

[FatherReboolaConundrum]

In the car on the way back from my gran's funeral, my great aunt (gran's SIL, who belonged in an Alan Bennett play) leaned over to mum and said in a consoling tone, "Well at least she didn't die of anything serious".

[OnlyLovers]

This thread is solid gold but this particularly made me choke laughing: I also marched into a church hall for a 1st Birthday Party bellowing: 'sorry we are late, traffic was like a funeral' to find I was a week early and it wasn't the Birthday Party but an actual funeral

[50KnockingonabiT]

Upon leaving the house when the funeral director walks in front of the hearse, he had to do a quick jump into the car as he was attacked by a dog!

[FourEyesGood]

My dad, the old hippy, had a woodland burial. His coffin was one of those wicker caskets (like a really long laundry basket). When the time came to lower it into the ground, it was too big for the grave. The funeral director was deeply embarrassed; he had to ring for a mini-digger. This made the ceremony far more fun, and my DS, who was about 14 months old, was delighted. My dad would have loved it, so it's a shame he missed it!

[Floop]

My granddad's funeral. Church full of very religious Catholics.

My 4 year old DD pipes up with:

'Mummy, if we are supposed to love Jesus, why did we nail him to a cross?'

Hysterics for hours. Then followed by a batty uncle posting my a book on how to teach religion to children.