Really inappropriate funeral thread

[Wh0dathunkit]

So, I'll share mine first.....
Had to decide (without a great deal of getting to know said deceased) what would be the most appropriate music....
We were doing really well. We found "Wish me luck as I wave you goodbye" as the out-tro...
Unfortunately, the CD we used was one of those odd old school ones where it wasn't just the song you were looking for but 2 other songs as well on a single track.
The other track was "Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler".
Whilst we warned the funeral directors, and they did a great job the first few repeats, a few slips happened. I'm not sure if the rellos found it funny (she was a game old bird), or if they were just too polite to say anything...

Please share, you'll make me feel better!

At my MIL's cremation, a duck came up to the full length windows quacking it's head off.

Me and my DD were recently at my lovely aunts funeral.
In the chapel of rest her DC had flowers saying Grandma.
I said to my DD mine would be cheaper as Nana only has 4 letters.
She said 'I can think of summat else that only has 4 letters!'
We both just could not stop giggling!

I had a cousin offering me tissues as I had my head in my hands and shoulders shaking!

Littlewhitebag, that is so sweet 💗

Went to my sister in laws mother’s funeral to support my young nieces. My then 6 year old niece only came to the wake.

She was trying to talk to her Dad who was talking to other mourners so she was asked to wait. She turned round and said very loudly that this was the worse party she had ever been to! It did make me giggle!

My then boyfriend phone went off in the middle of my Grans funeral, he got some dirty looks from some of my family but I thought it was hilarious as she never liked him and I could imagine her thinking this is why I don’t like him!

His mother died a few months later and I did tell him I would set my phone off in the middle of the service ;) I of course didn’t but his Mum would have thought it was funny!

This thread cheers me up in any situation... I must have black sense of humour... no story to share unfortunately

A friend’s gm was being buried. Large Catholic family. Gm coffin is wheel down the aisle of the church. Friend’s 3 yr old son calls out the family car park place mantra, frequently used by gm and others: ‘Hail Mary full of grace, please find us a car parking place’.
Cue much stifled giggling.

I've just discovered this thread, and I know it's not been posted on for a year but I just wanted to say how much this has cheered me up at work.

Went to a funeral not too long ago of a good family friend. Partway through the service I noticed a guy a couple of rows in front had a GIGANTIC bug crawling up the back of his jacket. It was horrific. I pointed it out to my mum, then a few other people started to notice. There were a few of us watching this bug when all of a sudden it took flight and came right towards my face. And I couldn't help myself, it frightened me and I exclaimed "Oh God, it's flying!" It landed on the pew and somebody squashed it with the hymn book. We were in hysterics, but I felt so bad for causing it all

During my mother's funeral, the eulogy was being given by the infamously verbose retired vicar. My very deaf father turns to me and, in what he thinks is a whisper, says "he's going on a bit, isn't he?" Heard right round the church at full volume.

Never heard an eulogy wrapped up so quickly!

I once had the landlord from hell and really hated him-without giving too much away he died while playing sports
I was informed when his funeral was and figured I’d better go just to make sure he was dead
Anyway I get there and the waiting room to the crematorium was packed and all of a sudden a door opened and everyone started to walk through it so of course so did I

It was the wrong funeral...

When my Grandmother died, my brother was in charge of sorting the music. He chose a hymn our Gran liked and, being unsure of how many people would know it, found a version with singers to lift the volume. He then sent his mum the lyrics to go in the order of service. So far, so good.

What he neglected to do was check that the words matched the song. The hymn has 6 verses, but only some were sung on the CD. He printed all the verses in the order of service. It got a bit confused towards the end...

When my other Gran died, I met her youngest sister who I've not seen since I was very little. I bloody wish my mum had warned me that she is the spitting image of my Gran, because it gave me such a fright when she appeared. I thought I was seeing my Gran, which was daft, but it really made me jump.

Two old ladies drove an hour to their cousins funneral...
We had to be there for 11.30 to leave for 11.45...
So we wait a few mins...
I had driven my friend and her son over as her aunt....
Go I say to them, I will wait...
They arrive dead on 11.45... I had to tell them they had arrived late...
Seems they Always stopped for tea half way on the journey....they were so cross they were not in the family car....

My Dad was never one to be coy, so we decided No Curtains for the coffin at the crematorium.

It wasn't really inappropriate but as his coffin went down the furnace area, my son (11) started waving and said 'bye bye grandad'. And everyone else joined in waving and 'bye bye Dad/Grandad/Aitch/Love' etc. It might have been not entirely 'appropriate', but it was beautiful, and so couldn't have been more appropriate

Dh and I got lost on the way to the crematorium for my Gdads funeral. We didn't know the area and had been following my parents when we were stopped by a red light and lost them.

We tried to get the sat nav working but it wouldn't find the gps, and my phone had no signal so we drove around for a bit hoping to find it. I was getting very tearful at this point and had tried to phone my sister to find out where to go, when we saw a hearse turn out in front of us.

We decided that it was probably Gdad and followed it to the crem. I was slightly hysterical by this point and started to slip into manic laughter, thinking about that scene in Jonny English where they follow the wrong hearse...

Luckily it was the right one and I was the butt of many jokes from my uncles all day....!

My Grandfather died in mid July (he's Irish, lived in a rural area of Co. Cork, this is relevant). Anyway, in Ireland they do things way differently to how we do them here. We were told the funeral was a Tuesday night at half past seven. Couldn't understand how this could be possible, but after a very long day of travelling, we eventually made it. Things I found out wery quickly.

In Ireland the "funeral" is NOT the same thing as the "burial".

The "funeral" happens at a "funeral home", which is basically the Undertaker's premises. The body is laid out in an open coffin in the middle of a room, and all the relatives sit on chairs which are lined up along the walls. Then, everybody who ever met the deceased or knew them in any way, all come to the funeral home, they form an endless queue and walk slowly around the room, shaking hands with each family member whilst saying "sorry for your trouble" and "god bless". This takes hours.

The body is "removed" to the church the next day, then they have "the burial".

DON'T ever get these two things confused.

Anyway. At my Grandfathers "funeral", the Undertaker (Francie Mack) was a friend of his and they went to school together. Because it was summer, and hot, there was a huge fly doing circles of the coffin. Francie was standing against the wall with his hands clasped respectfully behind his back. I quickly realised he was only standing that way so he could conceal a huge plastic fly swatter. The fly would occasionally land on my Grandfather and go walkabout. As it did so, Francie would slowly approach the coffin, hands still clasped behind his back, he would then wait beside the coffin. When the opportunity presented itself, he took a swipe at the fly, usually missed, sometimes hitting my Grandfather in the process. He would then bless himself, say "sorry Tom" and then slowly retreat back to the wall.

This happened about a dozen times during the "funeral".

It was so bizarre and I found it so funny I kept breaking out in uncontrolled fits of laughter. I tried to hide it by putting my hands over my face, but I must have looked like I was actually crying because the more I laughed the more people came to shake my hand, they even started hugging me!

So fucking awkward! Thanks Granch!

Earlier this year my father passed away, the reading was Mr Nonsense and had people laughing. The music we left to, tigger song and yes there was laughter. Dad would have appreciated it I'm sure

A few days after my grandma was cremated, I accompanied my mum to the crematorium office to buy a yellow rose bush for her ashes to be buried under in the massive crematorium garden. During the proceedings my mum suddenly asked the woman on a whim - “And where is my mother now?” the poor woman looked stricken and after a short pause replied “She’s ... she’s in the filing cabinet”. My mum uttered a wobbly “Oh!” before we both collapsed with laughter.

The vicar at my late OH's send-off who clearly knew eff-all about him and the best she could come up with was how much he loved our cats. She kept on banging on about his love for these little animals and I'm sat there absolutely creased with the giggles next to his poor parents.
Sadly at the same funeral I was wearing new, very classy, black suede four-inch heels. It had been raining more than somewhat of late, and I spent the whole of the graveside ceremony tilting slowly over backwards as my heels sank into the mud.

The vicar at my GM's funeral was a recent incumbent in a very rural Northern parish with a very strong Nigerian accent. The elderly mourners were gathered outside asking 'have you seen him? Apparently he's a black man!' in excited tones. As a younger person from the city I was mortified. Then, even though my GM was a regular attendee, he managed (as he didn't know her because he was new) to reference having asked 'Mrs X' (local busybody whom no-one liked) about my GM, and sharing her opinions, and then went into a long sermon about someone covered in sauce. Cue 120 odd Dalesfolk shrugging at each other and sniggering into their hankies. I looked up the lesson later and for some reason he had chosen, at the funeral of an elderly lady, to reference Lazarus and his body being covered in sores. #still no idea.
They were falling in the aisle laughing. The shame.