Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

[Only1scoop]

Had a few chuckles today ....met girls for lunch....been friends years and remember many of each others exes....

One friend recalled an ex who always used to ask for his pasta to be served 'El dente' even in fine Italian restaurants....he was no foodie and she used to 'cringe in her seat'

One of my exes used to ask for 'lattice fries' ....the L at start of word used to be drawn out....I used to twitch....I hated it so much.... he would ask this in any pub....restaurant.

Another ex of mine used to say he was going for a 'wee wee' and called his stomach his 'tummy'

He didn't last long really....

Just fun.... anyone got any others sayings that spring to mind on the 'cringeworthy meter'

Ex is an ex for a reason

Lllllatice fries anyone

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

Orinoco flow ?

[ballsballsballs]

The Hooded Man?

[LapsedTwentysomething]

I have dated some absolute idiots. I have lots of these.

1. A stripper who told me he loved me after two dates. He was otherwise unemployed and broke. I'd had enough after a few short weeks and made various excuses as to why he couldn't come to my graduation ball, including tickets sold out. He still turned up, uninvited and unwelcome, wearing velcro stripping trousers. I didn't go back to my room and the relationship ended there.
   

1. I inadvisedly dated a mechanic who turned up on our first date stinking if quiche. He confessed to enjoying 'tits n ass' TV, some chart show thing, of an evening. He too confessed his undying love and got the hump when I wouldn't ask him to go on holiday.
   

1. Much brighter bloke this time, but having a bit of an identity crisis having become unemployed and deciding to retrain, randomly, as a chef. He invited me to a party where he proved to be an appalling drunk, f-ing and blinding at the guests having drunk some weird concoction involving milk (Black Russian?) He fell down the stairs an was generally embarrassing. I cooled off after that, but he still insisted on coming round the next night when he cried because I was distant. After further drunken embarrassment I told him I would be spending New Year's Eve with my family at which he sulkily proclaimed he was spending it with friends anyway. He turned up at 11:30, steaming drunk, having driven several miles on icy roads, spun his car and reversed into my cousin's car. Totally spoiled midnight. I made him sleep on the floor in the lounge and thankfully he had disappeared the following morning. Cue lots of wailing phone calls and whiny text messages. This dickhead is now a respected academic.

[LabradorMama]

I had an ex I'd only been seeing for a couple of weeks, he was gorgeous and incredibly cool but a little bit short. When we got around to DTD I found out he had a teeny tiny willy. I mean minuscule. Similar to a party sausage but maybe smaller. He hoicked one of my legs up over his shoulder and went at it hammer and tongs. Reader, I couldn't feel a thing. I had to ask him to stop by saying 'look, this isn't really doing anything for me, let's just go to sleep'.

Then in the early hours of the morning he woke me up by vigorously humping my leg. I shouted 'STOP IT' and whacked him around the back of the head. He mumbled 'sorry' and went back to sleep, indicating that perhaps it wasn't a one off. I stayed awake all night, woke him at 7.30am and drove him home.

I told my sister all the sordid details later that morning and she said 'jeez, who'd have known? He's such a looker. But I'm always suspicious of a man who hoicks my leg up like that, usually means they've got a teeny weeny and they know it'

[trixymalixy]

My friend's ex who is 35 has just started seeing a 19 year old. He keeps posting photos of the pair of them in bed on Facebook with #bedtimeselfies. Bleurgh. Delete.

[SnakeyMcBadass]

An ex from my teenage years took me to the cinema and proceeded to eat dog biscuits from his pocket instead of the more conventional popcorn. He would then randomly lunge at me with his mouth open and biscuit crumbs flying everywhere. I successfully fought him off and ended it by saying I was going to the loo and then catching the bus home.

[trinitybleu]

chippy his name wasn't Mark, was it?

[FrankSpencer]

Anyone care to share any more?

Please please??

[CheerfulYank]

Just for you Frank although this isn't nearly as bad as some of these.

Way back when there were those email surveys, I answered the question "who is your smartest friend" (as in most intelligent). I wrote the name of a good girl friend who is very clever.

Boyfriend at the time was completely angry with me as said "why would you say that? I'm smarter than everyone." And sulked. For a week.

[MrsCurrent]

My significant ex was just disgusting, he would lift his bum cheek to fart infront of my friends (my best friend still reminds me of this), wear his boxers for days on end and I don't think he ever had his trousers dry cleaned, worst of all his substandard hygiene made him itch and he scratched a hole through the bum of his pants and still continued to wear them. I was young and stupid!

[Idontseeanysontarans]

A very brief ex of mine introduced me to his sister as his partner one our first date, then plonked some holiday brochures down in front of me and asked me where I fancied going next year! He was as hairy as a very hairy bear and gave me carpet burn on my CHEST later that evening..
I ditched him shortly afterwards, although he was actually a lovely bloke. Still is in all honesty and we've kept in touch over the years.

[Shockers]

I had an ex who started off relatively normal, then started bodybuilding. He would regularly stand in his undies, flexing his bits and bobs saying, "It's all for you babe."

Despite the fact that I frequently told him that I found huge muscles a massive turn off.

DH and I have turned it into one of our sayings. I wonder what XBf would say if he could see us jiggling our flabbiest bits and proclaiming, "It's all for you babe!"

[ItsMyFuckingWedding]

A bit late to the game...

I had an ex who when he had a cold, rather than blowing his nose would put his thumb over his nostril and stif, then repeat on the other side.

He was also obsessed with his ice and painted the spokes with red nail varnish.

During sex he couldn't cum, he had to 'finish off' yet he incessantly growled in my ear 'are you ready to meet my hot sticky cum?'


Urghhhhhhh

[cherrybombxo]

I'm absolutely howling at "special fanny stretches" and the guy who painted his head black to look like he had hair. That's amazing!

I met a guy and the first time we slept together, he shoved his forearm across my throat, made full eye contact and whispered "Ted Bundy..."

He also spat on me. I very quickly directed him out of my flat to the nearest bus stop.

Then there was the overly-excited virgin guy, who was red faced and giddy with excitement to see a real live female in her undercrackers, proclaimed he was "just so happy to be here" and then played the bongos on my arse cheeks

[toddlepod]

Old boyfriend used the loo, used last of, or needed fresh, loo paper and called out to me for loo roll saying ‘little fishies in the waterrrrr’ in a plaintive voice… dear god…

another loo story, Thankfully very ex husband, used to fold loo paper into very tidy,
folded little rectangles, presumably to use as much surface area and avoid wastage (no pun intended) as evidenced by a less than impressive toilet flush that left his origami offerings on view.

[IHateLegDay]

I'm absolutely loving this thread 😂

[purplehair1]

Please stop I’m waiting to have my nails done and people keep looking at me as I can’t stop giggling. I have one ex who always used to overtake on blind corners because ‘he was psychic’ and ‘knew’ if someone would be coming the other way. Same guy thought he had died in a previous life, in the Vietnam war, kept a gun under his pillow and blasted a hole in his bedroom door in the middle of the night because he saw a ‘gook’
Also he held a loaded gun to my head once but that’s a bit less funny.

[IHateLegDay]

Forgot about this thread and so glad I've found it again 😂

[JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots]

I really needed that cheer up today 😁