Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

[Only1scoop]

Had a few chuckles today ....met girls for lunch....been friends years and remember many of each others exes....

One friend recalled an ex who always used to ask for his pasta to be served 'El dente' even in fine Italian restaurants....he was no foodie and she used to 'cringe in her seat'

One of my exes used to ask for 'lattice fries' ....the L at start of word used to be drawn out....I used to twitch....I hated it so much.... he would ask this in any pub....restaurant.

Another ex of mine used to say he was going for a 'wee wee' and called his stomach his 'tummy'

He didn't last long really....

Just fun.... anyone got any others sayings that spring to mind on the 'cringeworthy meter'

Ex is an ex for a reason

Lllllatice fries anyone

You have reminded me of the one who went on holiday to America without me but with a 12 box of condoms in his suitcase.

He too returned with a set of navy blue silk pyjamas ( yuck) for himself and nothing for me, and without the box of condoms.

Swore he had missed me and been faithful- when I asked what happened to the condoms he said he had given them to another bloke on the holiday who had got off with a woman. Really!

I once ended up in bed with a rather mature gent who when he got undressed was wearing a pair of old baggy greyed pants. When he took them off he was wearing a leatherette thong underneath, I suppose because he though it looked sexy and would turn me on...it didn't, he looked stupid and didn't have a good body either. Oh, and it made his balls really clammy. That was cringy.

Another man asked me if I'd "like to make a little love". Eww! Shamefully I didn't say no, but in my defense I was a lot younger.

Thankfully I can't recollect any of my - ehem - wonderful exes ever doing that baby voice thing but I may have erased that from my memory for the sake of sanity

Any ex that refers to sex as 'making love' goes directly in to my own personal room 101.

An ex from years ago, used to slap my bum on average every 5 minutes. It didn't matter where we were - walking down the street, at a shopping centre, in front of parents, it didn't matter - Every so often there would be this resounding slap across my arse (think Chandler's boss in friends, and you get the picture)
I spent most of the very short relationship batting his hand away.
(sometimes he would vary it slightly, it would be a creepy tapping/cupping of hand around bum ).
I think his hand had a mind of its own, like hand from Adams Family

I went out with my ex for 2 years and realised at the end of it that I had never known his real name. We met in circumstances that could have compromised his career - he was very ambitious and also very neurotic that he could be busted.

His pseudonym was ridiculously implausible in retrospect - think Bond villain name (he was a different nationality and claimed he had anglicised it). When I was worried about him and was trying to track him down, my colleagues started pissing themselves when I told them his "full name". The penny dropped and I was very . They took the piss out of me relentlessly for weeks and I ditched the narcissist. Sounds ridiculous - we were very intimate and I knew things about him he hadn't told anyone else. Just not his name.

Afterwards I realised why he had always tried to avoid me looking at his bank cards .

Why have I only just noticed this thread. Most hilarious thing ever!

(will never look at another Poundstretcher in the same light again)

My ex wrote me a poem that had the following gems in it:

Your hands are soft like pillows.

Your body is strong, like a tree trunk.

Your teeth are like massive pearls. (Massive?!)

After I dumped him a few of my friends saw him in the pub dramatically dragging his blunt keys across his wrists and wailing.

Another couple...I said I quite liked dragon tattoos..next time I saw him which was about 4 days later he had had a huge one down all the way down his arm. We'd been seeing each other for two weeks...

Different bloke..night we moved in together he cried..cos he was missing his mum. He said " we can still go round to hers every night to watch telly though can't we?!"

Why did he have a pseudonym though?

So glad this has been moved to Classics. :o

My most significant ex used to ask for blow jobs in a baby voice.

He was also weirdly jealous. I was 17 when we started seeing each other and once he found a valentine's card that a boy at school had sent me a few years earlier (at the bottom of a bedroom drawer), which he tore up in front of me. Cock.

He also cried. A lot. I think he thought it made him sensitive.

These are hilarious. I had the guy who would talk to my fanjo in a baby voice. Made me cringe every time. "Oh hello, look at you. You are so pretty." Boak!

Took me three attempts to break up with him and he still didn't get it. When I started seeing current DP I told exDP I'd met someone new (in a vain attempt to get rid) and he asked if he could still come over at the weekend. Noooooo...

What's with some of these freaks and the baby voice?

Very impressed at partridge managing a 2-year relationship without knowing the guy's name.

I had an ex who always said 'I take gross exception to that' when I said something to him in an argument. I look back and think what a ridiculous pompous twit!

I remembered another one I tried to burn from my memory.

Ex used to try to serenade me.

We'd be in bed post-sex I'd be trying to get to sleep and he'd announce he was going to sing me to sleep. Now one, he had a crap voice, but fancied himself a good singer. Two, his song choice was always either Bruno Mars or Elton John. (And I hate Bruno Mars with a passion - coincidentally it was the only music ex ever listened to) Of course, I'd have to pretend to fall asleep just to get him to stop.

It still makes me cringe to think of. His soppy, off-key voice, in his mind dripping with love and emotion. I would find someone singing to at the best of times unbelievably wet, yet alone songs I hated, sung with absolute sincerity.

I ran after a year of this.

I had an ex who shouted "oh, Mum" and used her name when he orgasmed.
Couldn't get dressed and out of there fast enough !!

I had a boyfriend for nigh on 2 years and never once did he take his cap off.

I don't know to this day what was underneath it.

He had a pseudonym because he needed to refer to himself as something/I needed a name for him. He didn't tell me it wasn't his real name - I guessed and found out later.

but how did that even start>

Hello I am jeff goldfinger?

Soursweets, that poem is the funniest thing I have ever read. Can't stop laughing, thank you.

Yeah, pretty much. He introduced himself in the context of something that could be ruinous to his career as "Jeff goldfinger". In 2 years he made me so inhibited about how dangerous the situation was and his privacy that I didn't sneak a single look at a bank card etc. crazy.

partridge His real initials weren't DL were they?

What career would need a pseudonym for 2 years with a partner though?

I was seeing a bloke once who actually squeezed one of my tits and said "honk honk" in a nasally carhorn type voice.

duchessofk Where to start with that one?!