Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

[Only1scoop]

Had a few chuckles today ....met girls for lunch....been friends years and remember many of each others exes....

One friend recalled an ex who always used to ask for his pasta to be served 'El dente' even in fine Italian restaurants....he was no foodie and she used to 'cringe in her seat'

One of my exes used to ask for 'lattice fries' ....the L at start of word used to be drawn out....I used to twitch....I hated it so much.... he would ask this in any pub....restaurant.

Another ex of mine used to say he was going for a 'wee wee' and called his stomach his 'tummy'

He didn't last long really....

Just fun.... anyone got any others sayings that spring to mind on the 'cringeworthy meter'

Ex is an ex for a reason

Lllllatice fries anyone

[Frogisatwat]

Oh my god these are so funny! I had a boyfriend who turned up to meet me and my parents for Sunday lunch in shorts, socks and work shoes. My mother was beside herself! My mother! He was 6'7" and was too tight to go to outsize shops so trousers were always a case of 'put some jam on your ankles and invite your trousers to tea' !
One evening we were due to go to a fundraising evening at our playgroup... A curry night and quiz but as it was a playgroup the only chairs available were the toddler height ones. He informed me he hadn't had time to change and was coming straight from work.
Cue mental image of 6'7" man sitting on a toddler chair with hairy legs and ankles exposed.
I hastily feigned illness and said not to come as I was going home!

[ClashCityRocker]

Shia, I think I'm married to your ex (not really because he doesn't have DCs). I refuse to let him order in Indians because of it.

I had an ex who would refer to his penis as 'mr winky' in a baby-voice. As in 'is mr winky coming out to play tonight? I rechristened it mr wonky. Seriously, why do men think the whole baby voice is appealing?

Another ex referred to himself in the third person. 'No, simon doesn't like that'...'what should Simon do today?' (Not his real name)

Oh, and the same person gave me a christmas present about a fortnight after we started dating....it was a love heart photo with a picture of him in it. To keep on my bedside table apparently...

[sunflower49]

One ex, his boss actually called ME* from their workplace, to advise me that something about him stank, and could I do something about it?

*His boss was my Mother.

Same guy, used to meet me from work often. I worked in a restaurant, I was young and I got on well with my colleagues. He HATED it if I wanted to stay and have a drink with them after work and to express his annoyance if he found me at the bar after work, used to squat down to the floor, like as if a woman doing a 'nature wee', legs bent with his hands straight to the floor between his legs, and a disgruntled but arrogant look on his face. I never asked him why he did that and I would LOVE to know. It was SO embarrassing, and one of my colleagues once said to him 'Ere, toilet's just over there mate!'

Arrrggghhhh!

Another one used to lock himself in the bathroom and cry, because he felt ugly. I used to sometimes persuade him to open the door and he'd be there, crying with snot bubbles everywhere.

He cried a lot if I ever dared to speak to another male of the species, and he didn't cry like somebody over the age of 18-he cried like a child, I mean with the noises (how do I type a cry noise?!) too. We once both slipped on ice and fell over and he did it 'aah ah ah sob sob sob' like a kid.

What the actual fuck I was thinking back then I do not know!

[Only1scoop]

Sunflower that squatting thing is extremely cringeworthy AND very disturbing

[sunflower49]

clashcity I had an ex do that, too. Apart from they had done it in one of those photobooth thingies that allow you to make novelty photos, they had this smarmy smile on their face and the words 'I love you' in comic sans underneath the photo....

About 3 weeks in, if I recall correctly!

[sunflower49]

Only1 I know, what the hell?!
I began a thread on here fairly recently about him because he tried to 'make friends' over fb. Everyone agreed that I should block him, so I did. I wonder if I should unblock so I can ask him

[Only1scoop]

Mr Squatter need to remain blocked FOREVER

I'm so howling at these stories....

[Primadonnagirl]

Deep breaths here I go..
BoyF 1 called his dick Percy as in " Can I introduce you to Percy?! " ...sadly that didn't even put us off.. We were once about to shag and he stopped me to show me excitedly the M and S Coronation Chicken he had for his tea the next night...

[sunflower49]

I have an evil plan in my head now. Unblock, tell him I need to ask him a really important question, and he must answer truthfully.....

He'll probably jump at the chance to get me back onside and will be all up for it, then I'll be right in there with

'Y'know when you met me in Bella Roma in town, can you tell me why you used to bear down to the floor with your legs spread?I have always wondered and I haven't ever rested easy as a result!?'

(I actually would LOVE to know, though).

[sunflower49]

prima he didn't say 'shake hands with percy', did he ?

[apermanentheadache]

These are bloody fantastic. I can feel a Classics a-coming on...

I had one ex who used to flick his floppy, dyed, hair to one side all the effing time, right across his head. There was a family propensity to baldness so maybe he was just making the most of it while he still had it. But god, ugh.

[MrsDesperado]

Love this thread! That is all.

[sunflower49]

Having a bucket of bleach/water mixture at the end of their bed for their socks and knicks.

(University halls of res . I did ask them why they did it and apparently their Mother had introduced them to it at puberty and thus it was 'normal').

Explaining to me how the penis works 'The stuff that comes out, that's what smells and that's when I've cum'. (I was 26/7 at the time).

[apermanentheadache]

LuisSuarez, your penis-windmill guy wins my vote, so far. Closely followed by the permed lizard.

Oh, oh.... I had one BF who used to tell everyone he was a public schoolboy and had attended Eton. He turned out to be a complete fabricator and had grown up in a worker's cottage in Burnley. Very very odd and a little bit tragic

[Only1scoop]

[Floop]

An ex of mine used to think it was manly to 'protect' me at all times. Me man, you woman kind of thinking.

He would take sharp knives off me, and always make sure I walked on the pavement furthest from the road.

I was always bewildered.

[MrsMarigold]

Years ago I was a junior reporter, I accidentally sent a married work contact a text about him being quite fit, I never realised my mistake until much later. He started sending through really good stories and we became friendly. One evening I arranged to meet him for a drink after work in the bar of a very fashionable hotel, I arrived at the bar couldn't see him so I called him and he invited me up to his suite, nothing unusual in that except he opened the door naked and offered me a drink, "anything but the Krug..."

[JudysPriest]

sunflower49 using Comic Sans is always a reason to leave someone.

I found a gun in ex's glovebox, that put me right off.

A different ex used to scratch his balls, sniff his hand which he kept in the ball scratching claw position, then look really perturbed. I don't know what upset me more, claw sniff or that he kept doing it then seemed surprised by the scent.

[MrsSchadenfreude]

This has tested my pelvic floor. Mr Winky started me off and the snot bubbles finished me.

I used to have a very pompous boyfriend when I was in my early 20s. He had a nasty habit of asking a question to which he knew the answer and if someone didn't give him the answer he was looking for, he would say "I don't think that's quite right, you know," and tell them what he thought the answer should be. We had a long distance relationship and he used to send me the longest, dullest letters ever. The others in my office became quite excited when one arrived and I used to read it out. The one when he was "translating an art history book published in 1903 from the German for my father's birthday" finished us off, particularly as he was German and we had no idea why his father would want a book written in his mother tongue translated into English. Oh and it was his father's book in the first place. It all ended when he came to stay with me and he drove me so mad that I dumped him at the main railway station on a Sunday morning and told him that I was sure he would be able to get a train back to Berlin at some point.

By some horrid quirk of fate we ended up working together fifteen years later (another job, another country). He used to veer between ignoring me and treating me as a fool - "I don't think that's quite right, you know." Fortunately he left before I stabbed him. Several people in the office commented on our "odd relationship". I told one that I had been out with him, and he laughed so much he fell off his chair. I guess you would never have put us together.

[CundtBake]

When I was in my late teens I dated a man who was early 30s. He dressed like he was in his 70s. He had snake skin pointy shoes and his collection of shirts would make Noël Edmonds jealous. I avoided going to public places with him.

He used to try to make me hold onto is (flaccid) cock while we were watching telly because 'it could be like a comfort toy for you' ?!?!?!

I dumped him when he took it upon himself to set my favourite sky channels. That was the straw that broke the camels back.

[Snatchoo]

DSS and DH keep asking me why I am laughing!

Most are too rude to read out, but I did read JudysPriest one with the claw-handed ball-sniffer. Just to let DSS know it is disgusting and he'll never get a girlfriend if he does it!

My contribution is the bloke who used to sniff his arse. I mean, he'd scratch so hard, his face all screwed up, like he properly had his finger up there. Then he'd sniff it.

More than once he left skids on the bedsheet how I ever let that man touch me I don't know! especially as he couldn't get it up the first time we had sex!

[Shia]

Another one from the past. The long time boyfriend used to do a dance called 'dead flies' before I met him.

He re enacted it on a night out. Massive cringe.

Basically you lie on your back and wiggle your arms and legs like a dead fly!

[Vitalstatistix]

The worst one i have is not even mine, it's my mum's.
She tells the story of going to his house and him excusing himself, only to reappear stark naked with a long hairpiece tied with something round his waist, parted in the middle by his penis.
He then proceeded to dance about in front of her

She refers to him as ' hairpiece harry'

yet another thing i could happily have never known about. Cheers mum.

(apparently he's a solicitor now)

[TheCunkOfPhilomena]

These are fantastic!

My cringiest moment was on a first date, it was set up by mutual friends. He asked if I'd like to go to dinner in a restaurant that was quite a way away. I thought (in my naivety) that it must be a classy place to bother to travel so far.

Anyway, so we arrived and ordered our drinks etc, it was a type of carvery place, not fancy at all. I didn't really fancy him but was open to having a friendly night.

He then proceeded to tell me all about his previous relationship, including intimate details about their sex life.

Then he went on to point out the spots in the garden where he had had sex with his ex gf. I was just too stunned to reply really.

Thing is, the way he spoke about it was like he was trying to impress me with his sexual prowess.

[Floop]

Shia - the dying fly is a Tiswas reference, isn't it?