Cringeworthyness of ex partners....

[Only1scoop]

Had a few chuckles today ....met girls for lunch....been friends years and remember many of each others exes....

One friend recalled an ex who always used to ask for his pasta to be served 'El dente' even in fine Italian restaurants....he was no foodie and she used to 'cringe in her seat'

One of my exes used to ask for 'lattice fries' ....the L at start of word used to be drawn out....I used to twitch....I hated it so much.... he would ask this in any pub....restaurant.

Another ex of mine used to say he was going for a 'wee wee' and called his stomach his 'tummy'

He didn't last long really....

Just fun.... anyone got any others sayings that spring to mind on the 'cringeworthy meter'

Ex is an ex for a reason

Lllllatice fries anyone

First date (ok, post ONS so not the first shag ) sat next to the bloke in a bar, started snogging and things got a bit steamy. He grabs my hand and sticks it down the front if his pants where I encounter a perfectly smooth public region...

He was so proud of the fact that he'd shaved for me, bless him. He did it a number of times despite my never requesting it and it causing him to itch like he had crabs while it grew back.

Reader, I married him. Proud to say he has been bic free for some time now

Oh gosh, that sounds like I married a Ken doll!! I mean hair free, not totally smooth

My ex from when I was in my late teens (he was in his twenties) told me that he'd once wanked so many times over a 24 hour period that he gave himself a friction burn. His mum noticed him waddling around like a cowboy and made him go to the doctor.

This was the same bloke who liked to keep a (not too fresh) towel handy to wipe the sweat off his face during sex. He would then use it to wipe his cock off afterwards. I'm not at all convinced that he laundered the towel between uses

Naughty little princess is quite sweet, it's like he wants to talk dirty to you but keep it respectful :)

I tried to post this yesterday, but being a bit scared got the better of me... I had a delightful ex who used to stick his semi-hardon in my ear to get things-a-groovin' Funnily enough, it didn't really work for me. He had two personas - one was his sensible side, and the other, which would "pop" out occasionally - 'twas a little odd. His other persona was some kind of drugged up disaster zone (whether drugs were involved or not) - it was like he had to disappear from the real world occasionally.
Unfortunately, I was in the real world at all times!

I'm loving this...

Ex's family had a place in Spain. Somewhere between Valencia and Alicante...

Whenever he'd be describing where it was (as he did, often), he'd insist on pronouncing Valencia and Alicante in a horrid, thick, Spanish accent.

Thing is, he was a massive yuppy, very well spoken. He sounded ridiculous. CRINGE.

Errrr, yah, well mother and fathers villa, yah, it's half way between BALENTHHIYAH, and ALLYHANTAY.

Blurgh. Massive cringe

Eeeeuuuu at the pseudo Spanish posh accent

One who used to say to me during sex ' That's so good. You're such a good girl. You're my good girl'. I felt sick. I told him to stop and he didn't so I stopped seeing him. It just made me really uncomfortable.

Same pseudo Spaniard ex also had a game he used to instigate on waking up (and funnily enough, he'd always win)...

Whoever could slap the other across the face with their cock/boobs first, won.

Suffice to say I never won. I never tried.

Mr Lulu says he went to bed with a woman who he had a great time with and after he'd come, he said- being polite and wanting to create a good impression- ' Have you got any tissues or anything so I don't make a mess?'

She replied 'No, just use your tshirt to wipe yourself.'

He says it was the moment he decided he wanted to marry me.

I feel I ought to say in my defence that it was unexpected and that's why there were no tissues and he often uses his t- shirt or shirt anyway.

Not my ex, maybe not even an ex at all, but I once new a couple and whenever tired at the end of a night out or perhaps randy she would put on a baby voice and say ""your wee girl wants her bed".

Just remembered another...

One summer we were at the villa, between BALENTHIYA and ALLYHANTAY. We'd taken a few friends along.

Anyway, pseudospain, as we'll call him from now on, also used to think his work was terribly important - and that life-changing 'DEALS' were always just around the corner.

He spent many hours pacing around the pool whilst the rest of us sunbathed, loudly dictating emails to his secretary - he even dictated the punctuation

'Yah. So, semicolon, blah blah blah, colon, blah blah blah. Deals deals. Hyphen, blah blah blah.'

It was mortifying.

'

I once went on a date with a man who was wearing double denim. If that wasn't bad enough he had handcrafted the jacket with a denim Union Jack on the back a la Robbie Williams in one of his videos. He bought special glue from the internet and everything. I bloody hated Robbie Williams and he had his CD player set to play it every morning to wake us up....

So many exes....

One dimwit said after a large meal "I'm famished"....

Another had a mesh thong to wear with his what can only be described as Rupert the bear trousers (90s) - wouldn't have been so bad but he exceeded 15/16 stone....

Another used to say 'pweeeease' for sex. The same dude nigh on stalked me when I was on a really intense work course and threw the Robbie Williams CD I gave him in my front garden to show 'that he'd been watching me'...

Another used to proclaim that he was the best at oral sex. He wasn't. I faked it. Every time.

'Excuse the pants, they're my dad's'

Way to go, stud muffin ex of about 20yrs ago

EatShit and TooOld - I went out with a short A who did the same thing!!!

Did his surname begin with D? Although he fancied himself as a player and so used to use different surnames for different women apparently.

A had his own mini straighteners at home especially for that purpose.

Amazingly, I went out with him for a good couple of months!

He also used to eat 36 McNuggets every Friday night.

Ah, no. London. Was yours from Leeds or living there temporarily? I think mine has lived in other cities.

Did he work for a drinks company?

Lulu - One my friend set me up with who turned up on his bike dressed in lycra for our first date, and left huge bum shaped wet patches on the leather seats in the pub Yuck!

I'm friends with a guy (who used to live in London in case it's the same person?) who admitted to me this happened to him, he was so angry with himself. Some men just don't think ahead about first impressions I guess!

I had an ex whose idea of foreplay was to waggle his willy at me and say "mmm, yum yum". He was really offended about the fact I didn't want to blow him there and then.

He also used to use an alarming amount of baby talk and try and touch up my friends.

Fuck Perpendicular that's hilarious!

Reminds me of a cartoon of a wealthy middle-aged couple in dire straights:
Man: Darling, if you learnt how to cook, we could fire the chef.
Woman: Darling, if you learnt how to fuck, we could fire the chauffeur.

Some of these exes are really quite grubby and, well, a bit pathetic, especially the ones in their 30/40s who really should know better.

NC because definite risk of being outed here.

My ex makes my toes curl he was so cringey.

He was quite a bit posher than me not hard and he had some kind of superiority issue so when we went to restaurants or even pubs he'd ask to try the wine and then slosh it round like them experts do and then either order or not. He'd then proceed to tell me that he was doing it to pick up the fruity undertones and woody overtones etc. We were 16. We were in pizza hut.

But then in other ways he was very self-conscious about being a posho so when he was with my family he'd cultivate this really false Brummie accent which sounded so fake. And he's use local terms in completely the wrong context. And swear far too much so it was just uncomfortable.

He also used to laugh ridiculously loudly with this kind of not snort but like the spit would all catch at the back of his throat. Really embarrassing.

And he used to wear really weird clothes that just didn't fit and didn't suit him. Jeans that would hang off his arse and tatty old trainers.

When he'd greet people he'd say 'How's you' rather than 'How are you?' or the like. Just sounded so forced.