Things you never hear a toddler say

[Kasterborous]

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

Right. Absolutely mummy. That makes perfect sense and I will no longer climb up the bookcase as a trip to a &e would be a bit of a chore today.

"Yes mum, I know exactly what I want and I am going to tell you without having a tantrum meltdown"

Mummy, oh sorry. Didn't see you on the phone there. I can wait til you are finished.

'You know, this game where I run off giggling while you're trying to cook does get boring after the 4th or 5th time. I think I'll sit down nicely now and play with my toys you so lovingly lugged down'

'So my little brother found a toy I haven't played with for 6 months? Cool, he can have fun playing with that then.'

'Yes, my hair and face do need washing, and you're supporting me properly and trying very hard not to get soap near my eyes. I'll stop throwing myself around and screaming blue murder so you can get it done faster.'

Could carry on like this forever....

'I won't find a pen from somewhere and try to eat it and get blue on my face while you're having a well-earned rest telling people on mumsnet how funny I am. Especially not just after my bath.'

Mummy you're right the TMNT is called Donatello and I was wrong insisting it was Donitello, I'm sorry!

"You know what, you're right, I won't eat it just like all the other times, so I will stop asking for a bit of lettuce / other foodstuff I don't like off your plate"

"You are right, I DO like grapes, I remember eating them yesterday and they were delicious, so I won't squish them, lick them and then give them back to you and try and persuade you to eat them."

Goodness, Mummy! Look at the time! I best put my toys away swiftly and get my jammies on for bed. yawn Gosh, I'm tired.

Vegetables? Goody! More please!

I'll play nicely with my little sibling and cousin and I won't scream in their faces to make them cry I promise.

Of course you can have a wee alone in the bathroom I'm happy in the lounge playing.

You know, you're right Mummy, I DON'T need to call you at 5:30am to 'fix my quilt'. At 4 years old, I'm more than capable of pulling it an inch back over me.

I live by the mantra 'always do exactly what you're told, the first time you're told to do it'

Yes I think I do need the toilet, thanks for the reminder mummy.

I think I will need a little help doing up my buttons, thank you for offering.

Mummy you are right, I will spill this drink down me if I don't sit down to drink it.

I'd love you to put my hair in plaits/bunches so it both looks neat and stops it flying in my face, which I find so terribly annoying.

No mummy of course I wont push over my almost 13 month old brother when hes trying to walk

No I wont push his head into the floor when hes crawlong around.

Yes of course he can have some toys to play with

(Mercedes - cheese and jam in a sandwich is actually a common combination. It's a northern thing, I think, like chips and gravy.)

Yes I would like to return to my bed at 5.30am and not demand Mr. bloody Tumble.

Yes I will hold your hand mummy or walk nicely on my reins instead of screaming "no mummy, let me go!" as I know you're concerned I will run off at speed and you can't catch me with your ever growing pg belly.

Yes I will drink my lovely, healthy milk instead of crying for mummy's coffee or daddy's tea (oh the looks in our local cafe!)

Tell you what, I'll lie lovely and still while you change my nappy, it's only fair. I understand I'll get to play again in a minute.

Do you want to read your book while I have a look through my ones?

May I have a tissue to dispose of this bogey?

"I have no strong feelings either way, mummy."

Actually mummy, the tractor book IS a little tedious. Can we read something else now?

Mummy, you are quite right play doh is disgusting.
So is cat food I can't think what I was thinking.

No mummy, of course I don't need to watch Rapunzel for the 14 th time this week.

Yes mummy I know exactly where my most favourite and beloved toy is. I haven't just put him somewhere very obscure and forgotten so you have to spend the next hour frantically searching for it.

Yes it is cold now I'm out of the bath. Please put my pyjamas on (
instead of tearing away in the buff).

Every bloody time....

Before we cuddle, could you just wipe my nose please? Thanks.

Right I see we're rushing to get out on time, so I won't do a great big poo in my nappy right now. Especially not just 5 minutes after you changed me, after waiting for a while 'cos you just knew I was going to.

Similarly, 'I see it's bedtime now, and I've just had my bath. I won't do a great big stinky poo now then.'

Of course I will clean my teeth properly, not just suck the toothpaste off and immediately spit it out.
Yes, any of the 8 almost identical dolls will be fine, I don't need to have the only one that is not right here.

You know Mummy, I'm feeling a bit funny. Why don't I have a snack instead of a complete meltdown?