Things you never hear a toddler say

[Kasterborous]

Following on from Sparkingbrooks thread about teenagers. Here is one for toddlers, as I don't have a teenager yet.

'Yes I will eat my food without plastering it all over myself/the walls/carpet/you'

'Yes I would love a banana instead of a biscuit'

'Of course I will continue to only draw on paper, even when you only turn your back for one second'

'My most sincere apologies. I stand corrected, it is, in fact, your turn, please continue.'
'What's that Mummy? We have to leave the house in 5 minutes? I am a silly old bean, of course I will wait until later to create a masterpiece work of Mister Maker's globe trotting adventures. Aren't I daft thinking we can make a prickly puffer fish (that need an hour's drying time in between stages) in 2 minutes flat.'
'Yes Mummy, quite reasonable that you don't need my help to carve the roast/drain a cauldron size pan of pasta/help the builders carry a 25kg bag of concrete mix up two flights of stairs whilst wearing a Gruffalo costume two sizes too big.'

I absolutely do need my hair cut / feet measured /check up at the doctors so why on earth would I scream blue murder and try to escape from the nice person doing it? I'll sit here patiently until they're done.

Of course the banana needs to be peeled before I can eat it. Here, would you mind peeling it for me? Thanks ever so much.

Of cours, I'll stop making that. "Eeeeeeerrrhhhhh!" Noise while pointing vaguely when I want to aske for something we all know I know the word for. Making you guess what I want instead of just thing you isn't much fun for anyone, is it? Especially when I start bawling because you're not getting it right .

Telling you, that should be.

Oh yes mummy you have picked out a perfect outfit for me to wear, I shall put it on immediately.

Of course I wouldn't spit out my food half way through eating it, that's disgusting!

Don't worry mummy, I'll get back in my buggy if I can't walk nicely rather than make you carry me with your bad back.

"Oh mummy, you look tired! I will let you sit down for at least an hour so you can watch some television."
"I will sit quietly, and not disturb you!"

We have to leave the park now? I'll come straight away and not have a screaming tantrum and throw myself in a pile of mud that you have to pick me out of and carry me whilst I writhe about like a raging eel

love this

Can I have something new for tea?

I see you're in the toilet, mummy.That's okay. My question can wait until you're finished.

I think I will play with something other than my train set today.

Yes you're right it's no trouble to pop myself on the potty rather than pissing where I stand whilst looking at it.

Can I have a nap?

Would you like to choose what we watch today?

" Mummy I do recognise that as you are with me 100% of the time, ruined your body giving me life and basically keep me alive, just cos Daddy lets me sit in his truck sometimes does not make him a religious icon. In fact you should LTB "

oh well done, you won! No no, you were the better player.

I think I'd like to try this without the ketchup.

Wow, a new vegetable I've not tried before! Load up my plate mummy!

oh you're still asleep? OK, I'll go play quietly in my room, you have a lie in and we'll go get breakfast once the sun's up.

Yes it is a bit chilly outside, isn't it? Hailstone you say? Ooh gosh I'd best get my coat on and wrap up warm! Where are my hat and gloves, please?

Yes I'll sit on your lap, nicely, on the bus. Of course I won't have a screaming fit when my sister sits next to me.

Thanks for giving me plenty of warning that we are about to go out. I've tidied away all my toys and am now ready to leave the house. Yes, I remember exactly where I put my shoes!

No no, I'll just sit here quietly until you've finished eating your meal as well. And then I'll help you clear away. I won't empty the remains of my meal over myself and the floor and then insist on getting down from the table to trample it through the house before you've managed to eat more than one mouthful.

Of course you deserve to go to the toilet/ shower in peace! I won't try to barge in or stand outside the door crying if you locked it.

There are a lot of cats in this neighbourhood, aren't there? No need to stop and say hello to every single one of them when we have somewhere we need to be.

Thanks mum, you've cut up my food into pieces of precisely the shape and size I wanted.

"I hate Cebeebies"

Don't be silly mummy! of course I won't climb all over the sofas now you've told me not to. They looked tempting but your loving warning about the injuries I would probably have has really hit home. I'm getting down now.

so my birthday isn't for another couple of months? I'll remember and not mention it every five minutes between then and now!

Is it really only 5 am? No problem, I'll just lie here quietly and let you go back to bed for a couple of hours.

It really doesn't matter which hairband/hairclip I wear and there's certainly no need for me to spend half an hour choosing one before changing my mind 20 times.

No, you're right, I don't need to take all of my toys on our journey. I'll just take one or maybe I'll leave them all at home and just play with them when we get home!

'Of course I will wear my hat, so I don't complain when my ears get cold and my hair blows all over the place'

'I will put my sun cream on without any fuss and stand still while you do it, after all I don't want to get sunburn'

'Of course I won't wipe my face/nose all over you/the furniture'

Feed my baby brother from whichever side you want, mum, it's your body. I'll just take whatever's left, since breastmilk is his main form of nutrition and I'm fully capable of eating solids. If you want to use the good boob on him and leave me with the crappy one, I won't try to bash his head in while shouting Not the left one, not the left one!

"I'll wait, no problem"

'Ooh, are we going to see the lovely dentist that is oh so patient with me and provides so many distractions whilst I scream my head off and refuse to sit in the special magic chair? Well, I can't wait, let's go!'