hey kids, let me tell you a little secret, love Mum...

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I hear you, you hate carrots, they're yucky yucky yucky andyou never want to have them.

That cheesey mash I make that you love so much? It aint that colour cos of cheese. IIt's that colour because it's 50% carrot.

You always ask for seconds,

While I have your attention, that crazy frog toy didn't break. I took out the batteries before I went stark raving mad.

All the times I tell you it's 'big kids time' at the park & we need to go - I just want to go home cos ivehad enough.
Wee willie Winkie is tapping on the windows - it's me knocking on the side of the bed

I rarely "laugh out loud"... But this thread has me HOWLING!!

Watching this and going to study it.

DD is 8.5 months. How long do I have to cram?

Yes. Diet coke and normal coke should not be drunk by children as it makes your teeth go black! And you don't want rotten teth do you?? Do you???

The random old man in the park isn't the park keeper coming to lock up the park so we have to get out. The children who stay are just naughty!

All the parcels that arrive are not for daddy's friend at work and he uses our address because I am in during the day.

Daddy does not take all your drawings to put in his office because they are so good- I'm afraid they go in our wheely bin!

Not long pass. Not long enough....

Get started.... NOW!

My kids always say they can't live without something & never notice when I throw it away.
I don't want them to be hoarders like their parents. Tidying up is unnecessarily long because they've got so much stuff! The local cashforclothes shop is my end of the month saviour.

Sometimes when I tell you something has gluten in, I'm lying. I just don5 want to share.

That crappy mini air hocky table didn't beak. I broke it because I couldnt face yet another fight between you about it.

It isn't actually against the law to not obey your parents.

Don't,
and
Break

I'm not sure I am good enough at coming up with secrets

I think LadyMilfordHaven would love eating seafood myself :)

These are inspired

Ds, you're not really allergic to mummy's bubbly stuff, I just don't want you in my bath.

You don't really get to stay up really really late at weekends, I just give you your dinner and bath an hour earlier than usual.

Oh and the jolly green giant soup you love so much is actually pea soup, you know that vegetable you hate.

Christmas Coke is in fact available on all other days of the year.
It is not against the law for children to be vegetarian.

No my bedroom door is not broken and I don't need a screwdriver in my bedside table to fix it. I locked it after your early morning visits to our en suite and not the bathroom.

This has made me laugh so much...and made me feel so guilty!!

My darling daughters...
I know you worked out (decades ago) that the windscreen wipers weren't really working intermittently in time with you sucking your thumbs, but it is now waaaay past time to tell you that:

DD1: the reason your casseroles etc "just don't taste like Mums" is because you have hated onions since you were six .....so I liquidised them whenever a recipe used them .....and still do!
DD2: your hamster didn't really quietly fall asleep and not wake up, and daddy didn't really bury it before you came home because he could dig a much deeper hole than you & I. The cat had a whole other reason for not wanting its tea.

That robin in the garden isn't making notes on your behaviour to tell Father Christmas if you've been good enough for presents.
I know you don't like mayonaise, that's why you have Special Chip Sauce instead.
Twighlight, your bunny, didn't run off to the circus.
All those drawings of bunnies aren't 'around somewhere', they're being recycled probably into bogroll

Thanks for all of them, DM and DF. I have good notes for lying through my teeth being economical with the truth when DS grows up.

LadyM are you she of "woof to you, Lady" fame?

Love this thread. Dd five months is asleep in my arms whilst I'm chuckling away at these. :)

dd1...Special Lucy wine isn't actually wine, and isn't just for Christmas either....it's just a 40p bottle of fizzy flavoured water from Asda (that'd be why it's not pink like mummy )

If you ever find out my MN nickname you will understand what happens, quietly, one-by-one, while you are in bed, to all those balloons you bring home from parties.

< chuckle >

Sadly, the runaway hamster had NOT just moved to the North Pole to work for Santa.

Lucysmam - whatever I'd threatened at the time came true. IIRC I told DS that if he didn't put (and keep) his shoes on by the time I got to five, he would come on the school run (to take DD, he only starts in Sept) barefoot in his pushchair! Oh, the indignity of it! Can't remember DD's, she's 10, so it's a while ago.

Just thought of another one. The Magic Sleep Spray for when you can't sleep? Lavender water.

I'm also a counter with no idea what to do if he called my bluff.

Those rides at the centre aren't always broke. I just refuse to pay £1 for a 1 minute ride of you going up and down.

The ice cream van doesn't play music to let you know he is going to go to the ice cream shop as he has run out.

I dont stay in waiting for you when you go to your dads. I tell you that so you don't go telling your dad everything.

SpongeBob doesn't go for naps. I just show you a blue screen on the box office channel

You know when you get a brightly coloured and exciting looking birthday/christmas present that looks like it's going to be extremely messy to make (e.g. shaker maker clay dollies) and I quickly put them away for safety and to play with later ? Well, google "regifting".

Dd you were right it wasn't actually your bed time mummy wound the clock forward an hour

Dd, 'Auntie' Jo didn't really have the chicken pox, which sadly meant you couldn't come with me to visit. I just wanted to drink very hot coffee, smoke and swear like a sailor for a few hours.

Also you've actually already had chicken pox and probably wouldn't get it again anyway.