hey kids, let me tell you a little secret, love Mum...

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I hear you, you hate carrots, they're yucky yucky yucky andyou never want to have them.

That cheesey mash I make that you love so much? It aint that colour cos of cheese. IIt's that colour because it's 50% carrot.

You always ask for seconds,

While I have your attention, that crazy frog toy didn't break. I took out the batteries before I went stark raving mad.

Love this thread! Am taking notes!

The ice cream van man plays the music to let everyone know he has run out of ice cream

Actually my credit card does work in all shops, despite telling you it doesn't.

The fromage frais "to cool you down" when you have a raging temperature actually has Calpol stirred into it, that you would otherwise refuse to take.

Father Christmas doesn't watch you all year round on the burglar alarm sensors.

The horrible soft play hasn't really closed down.

I do actually know where all the things you can't find are - the bin.

Remember when father Christmas phoned to check you were in bed that Christmas Eve? It was your Dad calling from work doing is best "hohoho" down the phone...
And DS, your favourite pasta sauce that only I can make with the secret ingredient? It's garlic.

Chameleon what happens when you get to five????????

When I say the park is closing, it isn't really. I just want to get you out of there without a tantrum. And she I say Spiderman always eats all of his dinner and that's shy he is so big and strong...erm.. actually thats probably true!

bloody autocorrect gond mad above... sorry!

When my sister and I were little and didn't want to put our jammies on (so running around starkers) my dad would go outside and chap the front door and my mum would shout "QUICK! IT'S THE BARE BUM POLICE!" My sister and I would then frantically get dressed and get to bed so we wouldn't be arrested

I distinctly remember telling my whole primary class about the bare bum police. Funnily enough, they all believed me

These are absolutely brilliant and makes me feel so much less of a horrid mother!

My personal favourites, have been:

The ice cream man loving nicknamed The Child Catcher. (DD was about 6 before she worked that one out).

The multitude of chocolate of all types that came through the house. Always told DD it was mint flavoured. DD didn't like mint, so saved me having to share.

And the green box that the council gave us especially to store all DD's models and pictures in from nursery and infant school.

Oh I LOVE the idea of David Beckham phoning to say what he's having for tea!

Sorry DD's
That 'shrek soup' = spinach soup
Those violin lessons that had no spaces left....
That Harvest Festival (yawn) don't you know they picked parents using a raffle system. Better luck next year.

Wish I had some for the teenage years.

DS, Father Christmas did not have a magic camera that came down the chimney when you weren't looking. That's why no matter how quickly you turned round you never saw it.

Same here with the calpol dislike - that warm slightly pink milk you had did not taste strange, it was just laced with calpol.

MaureenMLove - I had to read the green box once twice before I got it . could be because I have saved everything my dcs ever made or drew.

No I don't have any money in my purse DD1 (and now also DD2) to buy any shite sugary drinks and crisps from the vending machines in the leisure centre when you have just finished your healthy hour of gymnastics or trampolining or swimming.

That broccoli salad you think you're eating is actually cabbage. Bon appetite!

Oh and DD2, those craft kits that we gave to your friends at the last, um, five or six birthday parties you went to? No, they did not look familiar. No, I did not whisk away about half of your presents and hide them for re-gifting. I love those craft kits. Honest.

PMSL @ Magic mushrooms

I've saved most things MissStrawberry, but when you take an empty cereal box to school and half a dozen kitchen roll tubes and they return the very same day, stuck together as a work of art, you wonder why you didn't miss out the middle man and pop them straight in the recycling box on the way out the door!

DS, all those times I let you stay up to midnight - it was really about 9o'clock, you just couldn't read the clock yet.

And that green pasta you liked, it was spinach.

And if you had been able to count you would have realised how many of your fish did actually die.

And the cats didnt really stay on your bed at night to keep the monsters away, they are just lazy and like a comfy bed.

I'm not such a technical genius that I can tell how long you've been in the pc or Xbox. Sorry ds. I won't be confessing for a few years yet though

Oh and the 'monster spray' I used to spray round your rooms to keep the monsters away? Water in a bottle with a picture of a monster on

Toys R Us isn't really closed because they're painting the floor / Santas elves are shopping / they have a power cut!

I still want to know what happens when Chameleon gets to five!!!! for future use because I am shit at consequences or dd2 just agrees to them

Oh and the "Anti-bad-dream-spray"? Actually a bottle of stuff that is meant to make hair shiny but is rubbish.