It's not the law to tell your mum everything, even secrets.
All that garlic? Yeah .... It's onion.
I can't hear you plotting from the other room, I just hear you go quiet.
The kitchen cleaner won't burn your skin off, but it does make the floor slippery,, which is why I don't want you to squirt it.
I would never send you to bed without having any dinner, no matter how much you bicker whilst I prepare it.
There really is no risk of being banned from computers until you're fifteen.
You know when I make you sit "facing the wall, saying and doing nothing for the rest of the day"? Ten minutes, max.
We don't have "bright evenings and dark evenings", sometimes I just need a night to myself and for you two to go to bed at eight.
I never fell off the back of a chair when I was little. Ditto getting run over because of being silly near roads, being bitten by strange dogs, or falling out of windows. I never went to hospital at all, not even once.
When I was your age, I ate a good deal more crap and much fewer vegetables. I HATED mushrooms and wouldn't have even considered a pork chop. I was a shit, and was frequently rude to my mother. I was too fat and I hated pe. I got quite a lot of pocket money and mostly got what I asked for.
Sometimes I hold my phone to my face to make you drop the subject of pudding.