hey kids, let me tell you a little secret, love Mum...

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I hear you, you hate carrots, they're yucky yucky yucky andyou never want to have them.

That cheesey mash I make that you love so much? It aint that colour cos of cheese. IIt's that colour because it's 50% carrot.

You always ask for seconds,

While I have your attention, that crazy frog toy didn't break. I took out the batteries before I went stark raving mad.

Those wind up chattering teeth you won in the pass the parcel, you know, the ones you have been teasing the dog with for a week - sorry but I lost them. They slipped out of my pocket and into a bin on the retail park. Sorry about that...

Dd2 white creamy stuff you ate at nurseybwhen u were 3 was mash potato even though you never ate it at home till we did white creamy stuff however dd1 told you this when you were 10 also anything pink was a Barbie realted until you learnt to read Barbie so that dolly from poundland your first bike from the carboot all your clothes that were pink and your shoes all Barbie honest

DD2 the performance of your very arty play wasn't good it was shit i fell asleep

Dear dc, those sweeties I let you have as a special treat occasionally - they are actually vitamin supplements.

Squid is pasta rings here

Ah yes, the lasagne has no meat in it but lentils instead - oops! But it's also your favourite :)

Squid = flowers = genius

Ah, do you remember the days when Lady would start a thread and so many would drop to their knees to worship every word.

Now the same behaviour gets her called a troll ...

How times have changed

Oh and the occasional rabbit that George catches on his walks, they are not very tired........sorry!

Well, I have no idea who Lady MH is but she makes undergoing surgery with no anaesthetic sound a pleasant alternative to spending time in her company.

wOLF SAUSAGES AND THE CASSEROLE DISH.....GENIUS

Who took a dump in your handbag?.

I have a 'Tales of Friendship' on my planner, it's magic, it creates instant bedtime!

DS, I know you hate all fruit, you're right it is foul obnoxious stuff. And yes "pudding" is much much nicer. It is not, in any way, smushed up fruit.

"Calamares? No, not actually flowers. Squid. You have eaten it 100 times. It's really, really not flowers. What do they teach you at school?"

Pagwatch- ahhhh noooo!

This was my absolute worst nightmare when I was a kid. I had a massive phobia of seafood & frogs and was convinced my parents were really pretending the chicken was fish! I refused to eat any meat for ages and ages. The thought of seafood made and still makes me wrench.

I even accused asked DH a few years ago if the chicken he made really was chicken.....

I haven't got magic eyes that can see through the ceiling into your messy room, and when you come downstairs after your attempt at tidying up and ask if I can use my magic eyes to check , I will always say you need to do a bit more cleaning its still messy ! ( I want an extra 5 minutes peace)

I'll let you know if have given her a phobia in a year or two.

S'alright, can't say she's top of our xmas list either (shamelessly speaking for all sorry!). Yawn or what?

I've pinched the Santa idea. Sorry but that's too good to lose. Thank you so much!

Mummy's grape juice
Nade is really fizzy water
Pixie sweets are honey covered seeds
To get you off blue ice cream I said smashed smurfs.....
My toilet training phrase of "Princesses wear pants" worked marvellously til dad helpfully bought rapunzel pants...... (Now every pair had to have a sodding princesses face on....)

Ha ha!

I might politely decline any future dinner invites from you too...

When Mummy said that the shark at Deep Sea World was unwell and therefore was closed so the vet could look after I'm.......

Well, Mummy lied as she didn't want to go as it's overpriced and we only spend about an hour there. :)

Sorry ds but there is no such thing as cinema only films that won't get released on dvd, it's just that furry vengance was so fucking awful I couldn't bear to see again.

Dd things that are randomly 'broken' is just because they are really annoying and I can't bear them right now. Or I can't be bothered to get them out/supervise you. Also we don't run out of biscuits as often as I claim we do.

Ds I won't really beat up your teacher if she's mean to you, it was a stupid thing I said to cheer you up. Please don't tell her

DD1 - when you think you are getting a special late night, you're not. You are going to bed at exactly the same time as normal. Not looking forward to the day you learn to tell the time.

Oh DS, yes it is great that the Cbeebies channel works again after it broke 2 years ago.

I also record the bedtime hour so I can put it on early

When I told you the paddling pool was closed on Friday I lied. It was because Mummy and Daddy wanted to sit and drink overpriced beer and cider and listen to folk music. Sorry DS1, you got an hour in the paddling pool so I'm not too mean! :)

That national lollipop shortage caused by all the lollipop workers going on strike, that MPs were asking questions in parliament about? Never happened. I just didn't want to buy you a lollipop. And that woman who grinned at us in the supermarket as she overheard me? She knew...

That David beckham didn't eat fish pie to make him the worlds best footballer and no he didn't call me up every night and tell me what he was having for dinner so you could have the same ;-)