hey kids, let me tell you a little secret, love Mum...

[ImTooHecsyForYourParty]

I hear you, you hate carrots, they're yucky yucky yucky andyou never want to have them.

That cheesey mash I make that you love so much? It aint that colour cos of cheese. IIt's that colour because it's 50% carrot.

You always ask for seconds,

While I have your attention, that crazy frog toy didn't break. I took out the batteries before I went stark raving mad.

My brats like veg but ds isn't a big meat eater - we hide that in pastry or beans! do you think she'd start a thread bitching on that

Or is it only vegetables that dc don't need to have my head hurts.

McDonalds didn't really burn down. Three times.

Wine doesn't make mummy clever.

Ooh some of these are good! You devious lot!

The toy shop/park/swimming pool is not closed today, I just don't want to go. Oh and when I phone them to check and they tell me they're closed I am actually talking to the dial tone .

That chocolate milk you love so much? There's about a tenth of a cup in there, the rest is topped up with ordinary organic milk because you won't drink milk otherwise.

That "special" orange jacket potato? I did baked sweet potato too and mashed half of it in so you'd get a portion of veg inside you for once.

Dd your leggings, shorts and trousers are not ALL in the wash, I just want you to wear that lovely cool sundress I got you that I know you will feel lovely and comfortable in.

Not me, but a friend.

Used to tell her boys it was bedtime, but really had put the clocks forward. They still fell for it aged 11 and 9!

Those biscuits you love, they're oatcakes.

Oh yeah, the fish don't actually lay down to sleep.

Message deleted by Mumsnet for encouraging cruel and unusual punishment.

"I keep emergency episodes of the bedtime hour recorded and put them on early, you're actually going to bed early."

evil genius!!

This thread had made me laugh out loud a few times. DD is only 7 months but I will definitely be keeping some of these for future reference.

DS1 -as you will be 21 next month perhaps I ought to tell you that the noisy, expensive ride along toys outside every supermarket were not always broken .
DS2 - nearly 14 . The Duke of Edinburgh scheme is not compulsory but if you don't move farther than your laptop in the coming year I fear you are heading for DVT.

I think it is lovely that some of you are carrying on with your children traditions that your parents did with you. Much nicer than being "original" for the sake of it.

Dear dd1, I don't really keep bottles full of water spiked with travel sickness pills in my bag when we travel places and I've forgotten to give you your puking pills. It's just plain water and the good old placebo effect

Also that chicken 'what looks a bit like mushrooms' that's not really chicken.

Redbull isn't beer and it won't kill you. Nor is Lucozade, Monster or Relentless.

I don't know Santa's email address and the tooth fairy does not fly to Spain on holiday frequently.

Shops are in fact allowed to sell cakes and sweets before lunchtime/after dinner time. They're also allowed to sell toys in December.

Seems there are a lot of destructive parents out there.
Now I can go wreck that bloody monkey rattle that drives me insane!

fancypuffin - for that recorded bedtime hour idea I would vote you mum of the year. Bloody inspired

I hide veg from DS and DH. Veg is good for you bloody sausages every night are not

And prehaps I should add, dear children,
Wine DOES Make mummy clever!

Dinosaurs don't actually eat peas, and by eating them you won't grow as big as one. Sorry. But you like them now so it's fine

When I snapped off that cheeky square of chocolate from the cupboard this morning, and you caught me, I wasn't really checking if it was off and the yuckface I pulled was totes pretend

I also do not count my blueberries and have no idea how many are in the punnet. Nor do I believe that there is a wee mouse who can open the fridge and nibble the edges of the cheese, dd2

Puffin

Best. Idea. EVER!

Ahhhh have I just figured out who LadyMH is??
Silly me

dear dd2 there is chopped mushrooms and onions in the spag bol that you always have seconds of

Stealth - who, who.....do tell please?????

Enquiring minds need to know

She's my nemesis, that's who she is.

I'll be the moustache twirling villain and she can be the kindly old lady foiling my dastardly schemes.

Every time she comes on a thread to slap me down, I'll give my tach a tweek, shake my fist and cry damn you, woman, you have undone me once more...