House rules I forgot to make.

[CadleCrap]

Don't comb the soap.

No pooing at the table
Don't touch your brothers willy
Don't fill the washing machine with the recycling
Do not use mummy as a trampoline (why? Was the response to this request)

Don't stick your dinner to the wall

No, it is NOT your turn to drive

You are two years old.

If you piss me off I will take you to Meadowhall hell for the day
^^

The horse's head does not live in my bed.
Do not make magic potions with my expensive bath oil.
Stop trying to fold your little sister in half.
No you cannot tape up your little sister's hands to stop her pulling your hair.

Stop filling up the freezer with containers full of ice with Lego Han Solo mini-figures embedded in them. It's pointless, because by the time you get them to school to show your friends, it will just be a Lego person in a box of slush.

It isn't necessary for more than one of you to wee in the same toilet at the same time, and I don't want to hear about "crossing the streams".

To DD aged 2

The subwoofer is NOT somewhere to store Happyland people, socks or raisins, however inviting the hole on the front may be.

Neither is down my top or in my bra.

My toothbrush is not for cleaning the bath, thank you.

Sharing is good, except when it is your cast off crisp/raisin/biscuit which you have thoughtfully pre-chewed.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

Never put jam on a magnet.

Ahem.

Do not run around the house naked in front of 2 police officers who have come to take a statement from me after a vandal was caught wrecking my car!!

Don't brush my hair with the loo brush. I know you were trying to be helpful, but I was being sick and the time and it really didn't help.

tears of laugher. Please can this thread go in classics?

What to add?
...
It is not possible to stop needing a wee by effort of will if you are busy playing. The wee is going to come out.
You must remove ALL items of clothing before getting in the bath.
Do not use toys that are not water-tight to transport water from the bathroom to your bedroom.
Do not attempt to conduct water-based games in your bedroom.

Rules my mum wishes she had made:
Don't put your bowl of cornflakes on your brother's head
Don't turn on both taps in the en suite, plug the overflow then leave the room
Don't run outside naked when it's snowing
Don't bend down so your sister can stand on your back to unlock the front door
Don't help eachother get undressed in public
Don't attempt to make perfume
Don't set fire to things with a magnifying glass
Don't swing upside down from anything
Don't drop the hamster off the bunk bed

There were 4 of us including a set of twins, so we had plenty of opportunity to get up to mischief

No naked trampolining

About four weeks ago:

Don't stick sequins and googly eyes on your brothers willy.

And constantly:

Branches are not lightsabres
Sticks are not lightsabres
Baguettes are not lightsabres
Kitchen roll tubes are not lightsabres
No lightsabres at the table
No lightsabres up bums

don't eat other siblings sick

No handstands against a full length glass door (she 12, you might expect a tiny bit of sense)

our sub woofer used to be home to lego and playmobil bits too!

don't ask mummy when it's time to have sherry in front of health visitor

Do not brush the dog's teeth with daddy's toothbrush.

Do not pull every single wipe out of a new eighty wipe packet and dispose of round the room. It is not decorating.

do not rub sudacream in hair/clothes/carpet/upholstery/cat

pulling cats' whiskers does not end well. Did she scratch you? Serves you right (actually, evil cat only threatened and never touched him at that time, but it would have served him right)

Do not post the Sky viewing card into the washing machine.
Or my handbag
Or Daddies shoes
Or any shoes
Or your nappy. Leave it where it is.

I will change your sisters nappy, I appreciate the help but you are 7 and not strong enough to stop her wriggling away and smearing poo all over the floor which she then puts her feet in.

DS please don't answer the door while 'adjusting' yourself. It looks odd.

Do not tell your teacher about "daddys thrashing stick". It does not exist and your teacher will look at me askance.

When he was younger: you are not a train, and neither am I
A year or so later: you are not a jedi and I am not a sith
A year or so later: you are not Link and I am not Zelda
Yesterday: you are not a rock star and I am not your manager. Nor am I "killing your buzz". Just do your homework.

Don't poo in the drawers in the bathroom.

Don't poo in the bin in your bedroom.

Don't insert your sisters lipstick and toothbrush up your bottom.

Don't tell grandma that her back ache is probably a tumour.

Don't spend your dinner money on 4 cans of energy drink and then be angry that your teacher has rung me about your persistently disruptive behaviour that afternoon.

Don't play with your willy in front of grandma.

The music channel is not to be watched at grandmas house because she finds catching you wanking rather embarrassing.

Use the correct item for cleaning, ie do not varnish the wardrobe doors with sudocream nor sprinkle a whole bottle of ink on big sister's carpet like Shake n Vac

Your bowel movements should not be discussed over dinner. I'm glad we are close, but I don't want to hear about the texture, shape, size and gruntability of your poos.