House rules I forgot to make.

[CadleCrap]

Don't comb the soap.

no squeezing my boobs in front of company, this goes for DS AND DH (umm not at the same time, that would be weird)

Do not put your brother in the suitcase
Do not put crisps up your brothers nose.
Do not make your brother old things while you set fire to them, it still counts as you setting fire to things
Do not drill holes in my wall with mechano in order to watch me while I sleep. I know I sometimes make a noise in my sleep, but I am fine.
I am not a drink dispenser. You can reach the tap now.
Do not encourage your brother to help you make a giant wee in toilet using both if your wees, weeing is a private thing

These are genius!! Keep them coming!!

Do not lick strangers jumpers. Or any jumpers. You WILL get a wooly tongue.

Do not pour an entire bottle of bubble bath down the loo and flush repeatedly.

Do not swallow pennies, you are NOT a money box.

Don't empty half of the new bottle of baby shampoo with half of the new bottle of shower gel and a liberal squeeze of the new tube of toothpaste and mix aforementioned concoction in the bathroom sink.

Your statement "I was just having fun" was not helpful.
Your statement "It's all my fault" was accurate.
Your statement "No treats then?" was accurate.
Your statement "No breakfast, lunch or dinner then?" was inaccurate and would probably be a disproportionate response, no matter how tempting.

Your suggestion that you empty your wallet to buy shampoo (and treats!) was a good suggestion (not the treats of course), if it wasn't for the fact that you're four years old and your disposable income is in the region of 35 pence.

Don't lick my face
Don't hump the giant beanbag
Don't pretend to sleep in the dogs bed
Don't drink the dogs water
You don't keep your hands in your pants.

Do not put any form of food up your nose.
Do not put any form of food up my nose.
Do not put any form of food in your pants or anywhere covered by your pants.

You are not a dog so ...

No eating off the floor like a dog

No pretending to wee against the lamppost on the way to school like a dog

Do not make perfume from soggy tissues in the toilet bowl.

MsGee :o

DS went through a phase of pretending to be a dog. I already felt judged for used reins (they're not very common round here) and it wasn't at all helped by him frequently dropping to all fours and crawling around barking.

Do not make a noise like a phone on vibrate ringing, DH.

Do not bite me then laugh, DD. Also, no eye gouging or fish-hooking.
Preschoolers should leave washing poo pants to the grownups.

My new blazer is not a dressing up pirate waistcoat with sleeves, DS.

If you piss me off, I will take you to Meadowhall for the day.

Do not bite your friend on the arm, even if he asks you to.

Do not ask him to bite your arm.

Bearfrills

Her response was that she could squat like a girl dog - I told get that neither were really suitable near school.

She still terrifies people on the street with her super bark..

Do not pull your brothers Willy in the bath.

half baked, yes we have that one as well as leave your brothers bum alone!

No slut drops. Especially not at 4yo .

Do not ask the postie if he wants to see your mummy's tattoo oh by the way it's on her bum.

Do not eat all the Cornettos and leave the empty box in the freezer so when I go to get one I'm immensely disappointed. It gives me the rage.

You cannot make soup out of undiluted squash, cornflakes and shower gel.

ROARING at these! Brilliant!

Is this what my future holds? DD still small, surely have a few months left until standing up poos become a reality

We also should have "do not drink out of the dog's bowl". I might have considered having this as a rule if we actually had a dog.

Don't suck the loo brush.

(Ugh)

Don't ride the scooter down the stairs.

Don't put the cat in the Laundry Basket. Especially when the next person to open the basket is your poor, easily surprised Daddy, who really did not appreciate a cat hanging off his face.

Don't leave an eyeball on the mantle piece
Don't clean your riding boots with your brother's face flannel
Don't bring any dead creatures back from the beach
Don't bring any live creatures back from the beach

Don't lick the windows.

Don't sellotape little notes to the furniture - this is a child who asks if she can have a crisp when there is an open packet in front of her - why would she sellotape things to my house?????

Made me think of this:

Don't do,
Don't do,
Don't do that.
Don't pull faces,
Don't tease the cat.

Don't pick your ears,
Don't be rude at school.
Who do they think I am?

Some kind of fool?

One day
they'll say
Don't put toffee in my coffee
don't pour gravy on the baby
don't put beer in his ear
don't stick your toes up his nose.

Don't put confetti on the spaghetti
and don't squash peas on your knees.

Don't put ants in your pants
don't put mustard in the custard
don't chuck jelly at the telly
and don't throw fruit at the computer
don't throw fruit at the computer.

Don't what?
Don't throw fruit at the computer.
Don't what?
Don't throw fruit at the computer.
Who do they think I am?
Some kind of fool?

Michael Rosen