House rules I forgot to make.

[CadleCrap]

Don't comb the soap.

If you think a question is sensitive, do not ask it, not even in your best stage whisper...

"muu-uuum, I thought men had moustaches. Why does Grandma have one? Is she not a lady?"

sigh.

Don't put pooey pants behind the radiator. Especially in winter.

Just because you don't want to do it , doesn't mean that I want to. That includes wiping your bottom

Don't wait until your teenage sister is in the bath and then shout that you weed in her water.
Don't wait until your teenage sister is in the bat ad shout that you are sitting on her pillow with your bare bottom and rubbing it from side to side.
Don't wait until morning to tell your sister you sat on her pillow with your bare bottom yesterday.

Don't lick the toilet
You have to sit down to wee everytime (DD2)
Don't shave the dog
Don't drink out of the dogs bowl

Don't post money in the DVD player. It is not a Money box

Toilet rolls do not go down the toilet, especially if you are going to pull the flush

No being sick out of the window - if you are drunk make sure you take a bucket with you (note to ds1)

Don't poo in a Kandoo box.

Don't throw your pants out of the window and onto the flat roof.

Don't throw your pants over the garden fence, as it unsettles the neighbours.

Don't put sudocrem on the carpet. Especially don't put it all over the carpet.

Don't blame the goldfish for eating Mummy's Green & Black's.

Don't wash your trumpet (not a euphemism) with Mummy's best bubble bath.

Mummy's new lipstick is not for drawing on the walls with.
Mummy's old lipstick is not for drawing on the walls with.
Leave Mummy's lipstick ALONE!

You can't put toothpaste on Mummy's 'buzzy toothbrush' when it's already on.

Waltzing into to the front room and proudly announcing "I'm naked " pronounced nekked is not OK when we have guests.

Just because Mummy's expensive-special-treat-for-her-shampoo smells nice it is not OK to wash in it before a school disco.

Those things with strings in the green box in the bathroom are not 'missile launchers' for Action man, nor are they 'mice' to chase each other with.

Don't put the baby in a headlock (this said to OH!)

Don't eat the cat.

Do not try eating the poo your sister inadvertantly left lying on the carpet

• a contender for worst parenting moment - only a contender mind you - a potty training/ learning to crawl calamity clash - I may have raised an eyebrow

No invoking Satan!

Stop licking that/her/him/them/it

Willies must say in pants and mum doesn't need to look at it all day.

No willies out while eating.

No tampons to be stored in your underwear.

Dont ask strangers if they want to see Mickey then pull your pants down.

Just because you are older then your uncle doesn't mean you can push him.

when your uncle sits on you tough shit

Just because you are an uncle doesn't mean you can drive. You are five.

No sitting the dog on the toilet for a poo.

The IPad IS NOT MEANT TO TOUCH YOUR WILLY [shudder]

Do not stage mock car crashes in the (recently re-carpeted) living room using an entire bottle of ketchup for blood.

People who are 4 years old (or older) should not poo in the (thankfully empty) laundry basket then wee so much that it leaks out all over the Lego base plate you have thoughtfully put under it on to the carpet.

Do not lick hand rails when riding the train

Do not blame the cat for the drawings on the walls.

From student days: don't dry your underwear in the microwave (especially not underwired bras

More recent:
You cannot ride the dog (even if he is 'as big as a horse')
The clothes line prop is NOT a jousting stick and grandma is NOT a dragon

Don't put your lunch in the washing machine.
Don't wake mummy up by sticking your finger deep in her ear.

No shouting "mum, i've curled one off" after you have emptied your bowels.

No dragging your little butt across the floor after you have had a poop. You are not a worm riddled dog.

Ooh Sp you just reminded me of loads one

Just because you are an Uncle (ds 4.5) does not mean you get to tell your neice off (2.5)

You are not in charge just because you are Dn's Uncle does not mean you can get away with smacking her

Your 12 year old neice does not under any circumstances want you to embarrass her by showing her your piddle in front of her friends
Also remember it is Dn looking after you not the other way round just because you are her Uncle

This thread is brilliant, I love it.

Mine are -

Do NOT poo in the bath. It is not hilarious.

Do NOT try and stick your finger in the cats bum. She does not like it.

Do NOT pull the cats tail. She will scratch you.

Do NOT take a sanitary towel out of my handbag and tell grandad that you have got a lovely present for him.

All drawing is to be done on paper, NOT the table, sofa, walls, TV, or my face.

DVDs are NOT frisbees

Stick together, look out for each other, don't mix your drinks and no random shagging without protection.
What? They grow up!