Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

Well done to you and your helpers. {{hug}}

'Today I am packing a bag and leaving' to 'Today I Have faced my problems and moving forward'
Bloody amazing, well done all you amazing people. X

Glad to hear you're cooking properly DoneWith! Makes all the difference when you have some space to work in (as I'm finding out since I un-buried a work surface yesterday). Chipping a hole sounds like a good idea, but am also planning on getting a load of recycling bins that can live in the kitchen, making it easy to sort as I chuck, and also a bin for compostable stuff destined to go on the (needs a serious digging over and starting again) veggie garden. This is to help maintain the 'clean' once I've achieved it. The hole is probably a better plan for the biodegraded (!) heaps that currently exist.

Today I was feeling rather rough, due to some bad news last night and self-medication with vodka (will I never learn?), but still cleaned off the top of the freezer, and gave it and the fridge a good scrubbing, so they're blindingly white now. Got some chicken stock bubbling away on the newly cleaned cooker :D

Tomorrow I tackle the Welsh dresser, needs everything taking off it, out of date tins and jars chucking, a good scrub, and an orderly restocking. I can do that whilst Sunday lunch is cooking.

I reckon I'll have the kitchen done by Tuesday, then it's on to the bathroom and scullery, which are deeply yucky, but small, so shouldn't take more than a couple of days. This time next week, they should be done, plus I should have made a start on the so-called 'living' room, which currently houses a bike and a dog crate (folded up) and piles of 'stuff' on chairs.

The plan is to be able to sit at the table in the living room to eat Christmas dinner - and I am determined to get there! Thanks for all the encouragement and suggestions - and again, thanks to DoneWith for getting me going!

Arhh glad I checked in collective cheer for the wipers!! Brilliant thread and OP please keep posting and keeping us updated

This is lovely. I am glad people were able to support you to take steps to tackle your issues instead of running away.

Once you get sorted, you could ask Social Services to do an Adult Care assessment, or a Carer's assessment and you may qualify for a little help. I get 27.5 hours help a week, and that means that on my down days or when I am too sore, I've got someone to keep on top of stuff to stop it getting too bad.

I am a bit of a hoarder, in that when I am struggling I spend a couple of pounds here or there to cheer myself up, bargain hunting and doing a shop makes me feel happy again, but it means I end up with those extra little bits, with nowhere to go, until it builds up as I have no one to ask to take it away for me. Most councils or volunteer bureaus have a handy man who can come and do small jobs and take away things too, so it may be available at low cost for you.

When my mental health is really bad, you can see it in the house. It's not uncommon.

I'm sorry to hear you had bad news Furry. Well done for still making progress today . Tomorrow I am doing a food shop to start re-stocking my kitchen as it currently houses tea-bags, coffee and sugar and that's it! Digging a hole sounds like a good idea. Do you have any way of having a bonfire where you live? That would get rid of a load of it. Did you get rid of your casserole yet? QuirrelQuarrel got rid of mine in the end (brave woman that she is) dish and all. With a strong stomach like that she is a young lady who will go far in life!

The men in all of our lives are going to wonder what has come over us with all this domesticity going on!

It is my birthday today so I am going to venture out tonight for a bit to the pub where DH is DJ'ing. I work in there occasionally so it will seem odd to be on the "right" side of the bar tonight. I'm going to go to the supermarket on my way down there and buy some bacon to have for breakfast in the morning. I just want to cook it for the smell. It's been a long time since my flat last had a smell as good as that in it

Happy birthday DoneWith! Had to reply because, by a mad coincidence, my DH is also DJing tonight - but online :D

I am ashamed to report that - due to hangover - the chicken casserole still squats in its dish on the kitchen floor. My stomach couldn't have faced it today - but tomorrow it will be history!

Enjoy your bacon - think it has to be my favourite food!

DoneWith & Furry
You are both doing really really well. You will be amazed when you sit down for your Christmas dinner and realise just how far you have come.

Down - Not had such a good day today It doesn't surprise me at all, it's very common. I hope you enjoyed your

Had a really bad panic attack earlier this afternoon Do you know what, in particular, brought it on?

I have managed to do a load of washing and the dishwasher is currently running. Washing is now hanging up to dry with the dehumidifier on full blast Well done!!

Is DH OK about it now? It's a shame he can't read the thread.

Tonight, I am home alone, I have had garlic bread for dinner so your dinner is definitely a step up from that!!

... and even more stuff you have done & organised...you will be glad to know that all the black bags are now in the bin. The stuff like the broken blind, old microwave etc is being taken to the tip tomorrow by someone we know who has a small van

The little black fluffy one has also gotten over his bemusement now and had a good explore of the kitchen last night! Now you'll have to make sure he stays off of the benches

Happy Birthday Done. Well done for making such fantastic progress. You have inspired me to tackle my disaster area of a bathroom!
Have a lovely evening.

Happy birthday DoneWith

It's not a surprise you were exhausted today, you've moved so unbelievably far forward in such a short space of time, that would wipe anyone out. Enjoy your trip to the pub, enjoy having clean clothes drying and enjoy your delicious bacon in the morning

happy birthday! enjoy your night out tonight. It is well deserved.

Oh and I managed to unblock/remove my hoover. I feel like bloody super woman!

Happy Birthday. Have a lovely night and enjoy coming home to your sparkling clean kitchen.

Once you've recovered, do you have a plan for the rest of your home? Have you taken a look at Flylady yet. She really understands the situation you're in and has such simple ways of overcoming it.

Happy birthday Done!

I peeped in my back bedroom and I'm skeeeeeeeeeered.

Happy Birthday Donewith. It's not surprising you've been drained today. You've done amazingly though with your pork dinner, washing, dishwashing and forthcoming bacon breakfast.

DH has absolutely nothing to feel embarrassed about. Anyone of us could be in the same situation and need a bit of help. This is truly what makes life meaningful - reaching out to those around us and being there for each other.

I really hope that yesterday and your birthday today are the start of happier times in the donewith household. Enjoy your bacon and your tree.

Furry

Sorry to hear you have had some bad news :(

Yes - one big hole for the semi-degraded is a good start, compost can wait a bit! Recycling bins etc will be great - just don't make it too hard to do :)

Despite your bad news and resulting 'roughness' you have done well today - you should be impressed with yourself!

Hope the chicken stock isn't from your rather elderly pot of chicken

Great plan for tomorrow :) I hope you are taking before and after photos, even if you never show them to anyone! It would be good to see how far you have come and how gleaming it can be - good refs to have if you ever feel yourself 'slipping'.

Impressive plans my friend, impressive!! I can't wait to hear how you are getting on x

to be honest when I saw your cat hovering around the spillages on the floor I felt properly queasy!! :-O nudging at him gently with my huge DMs
Jax helped me manhandle the thing in there......deffo a two-person job.

Sorry to hear you had a panic afternoon this aft though, that's awful. Your husband shouldn't be embarrassed at all....

Chipping
elderly chicken stock
wave of nausea!

Donewith and Furry, well done and keep going!
Furry, do you do your shopping by car? If so you could make a rule that when you go you always take x number of bags of rubbish with you?

seriously impressed,

I hope everyone keeps going.

Happy Birthday DoneWith! I imagine you're out enjoying yourself by now and won't read this until tomorrow, perhaps with a delicious bacon sarnie

If you're prone to panic attacks, any big change in your life is likely to set one off, even positive change. Go easy on yourself, you're doing really well.

If you've had MH issues for a long time, you may be eligible for SS help for yourself as well as for DH/being your DH's carer. It's worth a try.

Sorry to hear you've had a rough day furry, it sounds like you've done loads though! Well done!

I'm tackling the shredding mountain this evening with a beer or two. Onwards and upwards!

Wow checked in for an update... Amazing thread!! So pleased you've come so far OP. It's restored my faith in humanity!

happy birthday, done (I hope you don't mind me calling you 'done' - I like the tick-in-the-box feel of it ).

I've been inspired to get out my old copy of Sink Reflections (the Flylady book) which is seriously gloopy in parts but full of lots of sound advice, like pacing yourself & being kind to yourself. I'm not sure whether it's Flylady or someone else who talks about being kind to your future self if you can't manage being kind to yourself now - ie if I make the bed now I'm being kind to the tired self who'll come home this evening. It sounds bizarre but it really helps me to do the things I think I don't have the energy for. (And on that note, I'm going to wash up before bed to be kind to my future self...)

Also seriously impressed with furry. Sounds like you've done so much already!

Hey, done, look what you started!

Fantastic job everyone and what a brilliant bunch of ladies to pop over and help. Although DH and I don't have any depression issues that might make things more difficult cleaning wise, we do try to do the washing up every night (no space for a dishwasher).

I'd definitely say, get that dishwasher on every night regardless of how full it is so it's always ready to be emptied in the morning for refilling. Don't fall into the trap of not putting it on as it's not full because food will get caked on, then you'll stop using it etc. Obviously once you get into the habit, then it's fine to leave a mug or two in there until the morning, but best to get into the habit first.

Absolutely ensure you're getting every second of support from SS/Council. Including any extra waste pickups they can do or indeed getting some regular cleaning help. There's no shame in getting all the help you're entitled to, it's your right and if it helps keep your home, homely, then it's worth it.

Furry can you get a quote now for a company to clear the outhouse as it stands. I'm worried that the more bags you add, the more expensive it will be and maybe make it un-affordable. Are there municipal bins you could put a bag in every day on your way out somewhere? In a week, that would be 14 bags gone. At 5 euro a bag, that's quite a bit of money saved. Even at every other day, that's quite a bit of rubbish removed.