Today I Am Packing A Bag And Leaving

[DoneWithItAllNow]

I can't do this anymore. I have been taking a cocktail of antidepressants and beta blockers for two years plus having counselling for depression and anxiety and I was just starting to think things were getting better.

Then I properly opened my eyes and looked around me. I saw the state of this flat, what I have been subjecting my disabled husband to for the past 18 months. Oh my God, I am so ashamed and I can't believe I am writing this but I need someone to judge me and tell me how terrible I am and it will be best coming from strangers over the Internet.

My house is a shit-tip. I don't mean a mess, I mean an absolute shit tip. And I can't face doing anything about it. We have not used our kitchen for 18 months. It is a mess of washing up never done, mould and dead flies. We do not even make tea in there and DH has a microwave ready meal each night cooked in a microwave so filthy that I am surprised I have not poisoned him. I live on biscuits, cabs of coke, whatever I can keep in the lounge. There is a leftover chicken casserole in my fridge that I cooked in May 2010 for fuck sake.

I cannot face dealing with it. The rest of the flat is no better. There are piles of washing everywhere as all I have washed is underwear and essential work stuff.

I called a cleaning company to ask for help. I wanted to see how much they would charge just to sort the kitchen. The lady who came out told me nobody will do it. Apparently it is classed as "gross filth" and I would have to employ a specialist team "like you see on Grime Squad." I know I could never afford that.

This place is damp and falling apart. The landlord doesn't care and we need to move. Seven months ago I had a ceiling fall in but I can't tell the landlord as he will come round and I can't let him see this place in this state.

So today I am packing a bag and leaving. I don't know where yet but I have to go. It is either that or something more drastic. DH will be better off without me. I have no real friends but I know that people will rally round to help the poor disabled man who's wife has left him with this to deal with. It will be better for all of us.

I can't believe I let things get like this. I don't know why I am posting this. I just need to get it in writing somewhere.

It's an amazing achievement for the OP who has gone, in the space of 24 hours, from a place of such utter hopelessness and despair that she was on the verge of walking out on her husband, to a place where she sounds hopeful, inspired and, well, happy. Complete strangers took time out of their day to help her clean. This has changed the OP's outlook on life, and inspired others on the thread to make similar positive changes. Some people find that so incredible that they are moved to tears by it. I don't see what the problem is?

OP, I'm glad you and your team made a good start on your home.

Well done ladies, you all deserve and

What a lovely nest of wipers you all are.

Furry, so pleased that you have been inspired as well.

Please can you keep us all updated on how you are going. There is The Fledgling Flyers on MN and the Weekly Flylady thread on MSE. WHich may help you.

Someone's full of Christmas spirit, aren't they?

I've been following this thread from early on, am too far away to offer any practical help though. Done It sounds like your mindset is a million miles away from where it was, well done on opening up about how you were feeling, you have been an inspiration to so many! I scrubbed my kitchen floor yesterday, it was somewhat overdue. (Stupid floor tiles have a rough texture that means mopping doesn't get them clean.)

Furry Your waste collection system sounds like a nightmare. All I can suggest is compressing your rubbish as much as you possibly can, to fit the maximum amount into each of your collection bags. And dispose of waste in other ways if possible - recycle the glass, tins, any plastics you can, burn the paper & card, compost any raw vegetable waste, etc. I don't know what your recycling facilities are like, but I find that if we recycle everything we can, there's not much left, but then we only have one DC.

Well done to both of you though, this is a fantastic example of how people can make such a difference in each others' lives. If only more people came forward when they need help.

It warms the cockles, it really does. I'm glad things seem better OP, and I am a little in awe of those MNers who rolled up their sleeves and came to help you. Lovely vipers!

Ahh! What a lovely thread!

Well done all.

A couple of weeks ago, when I took my daughter to her pre-school, I overheard another mother talking about MN. She wasn't a MN member, she was saying that she lurked for a while, but found the members total bitches.

Well let me say right now, I am proud to be amongst such bitches!!

I love this thread. I'm so pleased that DoneWith got so much help from those lovely MNers. And it's great that it's encouraged so many of us other MNers to fess up their own motivation blocks. And then get encouragement to do 15 minutes of blitzing. I have to admit that my bathroom was vile, and after my first read of this thread I finally went upstairs and cleaned it, not having done so for quite a while.

How lovely!

Wow what a wonderful thread!

Proper warms the heart cockles

OP, you should post a pic of that famous homemade cottage pie (or was it shepherds?) when you've finished cleaning... and hope you're going to get a little Christmas tree up to celebrate.

I recommend investing in a dehumidifier, Ebac ones are very good and cheap to run, they really make a difference to how the air feels - warmer, drier and keeps the damp at bay.

Done - how are you feeling today?

Furry - your inability to just 'do a big tip session' is such a shame, it can't help with the motivation. What I would say though, is don't just toss lots of black bags in the outbuilding. Dig a feck off hole, put anything in that is biodegradable, especially food waste, toss a bit of soil on top of it. Try to recycle what you can when you go to town (or wherever you can), and save whatever you can to get the grime busters in. Put anything you can on your fire, if you are determined you can get through quite a lot of paper and cardboard that way - even if it means opening the door to let some heat out! Try to keep it organised chaos out there and it will feel less over whelming. Try to keep 'clean rubbish' at one end and 'dirty' rubbish at the other end, then if you can only afford to get part of it taken away at a time, you can start with the 'dirty' stuff.

How's everyone else doing today?

Am glad it all went well. Happy day all round.

Are MN'ers a nest of wipers now? I think nest of vipers has just been a typo for all these years.

Well done, and it has inspired me to make a start on sorting through and filing the year's worth of paperwork that has been stuffed in the bottom of my built in wardrobe!

oh cowthy I dont envy you that job!

We have had a quiet Saturday here, doing not a lot. Have discovered that my dyson has a blockage in the pipe and I cant get into it to remove whatever is stuck in there so it is only doing upright and not err non upright stuff.

such a pain.

Apart from that all is quiet.

This is definitely MN at its best. Congratulations all of you.
Has anyone nominated this thread for Classics?

Jax, you can remove (unclip) the pipe from the dyson to get the blockage out.

Hi everyone,

Not had such a good day today. I slept well (by my standards) last night but I woke up this morning feeling really physically and mentally exhausted. I have spent most of the day flopped on the sofa but at least I could make myself a in my kitchen!

Had a really bad panic attack earlier this afternoon and I'm feeling a bit shaky but I have managed to do a load of washing and the dishwasher is currently running. Washing is now hanging up to dry with the dehumidifier on full blast.

DH was pleased to come home to our "new" flat last night but he is excruciatingly embarrassed that I let other people see the state of it. I have reassured him that there is nothing he has to be embarrassed about as there are so many lovely, non-judgemental people in the world and also he never has to meet the people who saw the mess if he really finds the idea that difficult.

Tonight we are having an Iceland ready to cook pork joint for dinner with some frozen roast potatoes and veg. It isn't quite the shepherds pie yet but it is certainly a step in that direction.

I hope everyone else who is now facing up to stuff, wiping or otherwise, is enjoying a good day too.

Wipers you will be glad to know that all the black bags are now in the bin. The stuff like the broken blind, old microwave etc is being taken to the tip tomorrow by someone we know who has a small van. The little black fluffy one has also gotten over his bemusement now and had a good explore of the kitchen last night!

Onwards and upwards for tomorrow

Oh yes, and we are treating ourselves to a new Christmas tree tomorrow too

You have done so well!! Dead chuffed for you. Wont be long till youre making that shepherds pie im sure! I expect you are worn out today, but tomorrow is another day! Enjoy your roast pork. take care x

Well, I was inspired to make my bathroom shine by this thread. Maybe your name should change now unless "it" becomes all the rubbish that you're done with. Dinner sounds lovely.

Donewith you are bound to be feeling knackered today - I am just from reading about it!

You have come so far in such a short time and inspired others too. Very well done!

Agree with Bore, you have a right to be knackered today, DoneWithIt.

You've also done great today, you've done lots of jobs, so don't be so hard on yourself!

Just keep on top of the little things and you'll be ok.x

well done donewith for doing some more bits. Im sorry you are exhausted - but it is a natural reaction to yesterday. Your husband has nothing to be embarrassed about. big hugs for you, enjoy your new tree. Im sure the cat will.

never mind where your meat came from - you are cooking in your kitchen and that is fantastic! So proud of you.