Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

DS used to pronounce shop "cock". So we'd enter a small shop, he'd point at whoever was behind the counter, beam ear to ear and say "COCK!" at full, delighted volume.

It was really embarrassing.

Yup, he got taught the rats and plague thing - although I don't know if they mentioned fleas... I was taught that it was the fleas on rats years ago rather than the rats per se but you need the rats to have the rat fleas iyswim. And to be fair I think he was so freaked put by the fact there was a rat so close to him in the playground and then it ran over his foot that compounded by the heightened emotions of the last day of term and leaving school that he was just thinking RAT!! ME!! PLAGUE!! Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhh!!!!! Rather than the finer ins and outs of it :o

Reading some more of these have reminded me that ds1's first word was horse. Except it came out as Hore. Not good walking past the local mounted police as he bellows loudly and excitedly at the nice police women 'whore. Whore. Whore.' ad infinitum...

'Shit! shit! Shit on sofa!'

My blood ran cold until I realised he meant he'd climbed up all by himself and was sitting down ready to watch Peppa Pig.

Friend walking through orthodox Jewish part of Stoke Newington, London, with blond two year old, who was dressed in red white and blue for the Jubilee, in red whote and blue unio jack decorated pushchair.

'no want joos! No joos! Yuk, urgh, not want, no, joos smelly!'

He meant his apple juice.
Friend grinning manically at Orthodox Jewish family walking along....

My friend just told me tonight that one of her two complained to her that the other one had just used "the 'c' word".

Imagine her mild relief when she found out that the word in question was cr*p!

Not strictly a toddler, but my 5 yr old ds recently said to his friend, in front of her gran, "my daddy said I should ignore you". This had actually been said during a conversation about teasing. As I tried to explain I felt the definition of digging myself a hole...

When a toddler, he decided to keep repeating 'cigarette' at in-laws house one day when they had friends visiting.

Ds1 used to call chuggington shaggington

DD (2.7) sitting between me (36 wks preg) and my mother. "mummy got big tummy...and granny got big tummy too"!

Both my boys had trouble with the 'tr' sound when they were small. Not sure which was most mortifying - ds2 running across the room yelling "fuuuuck!!" when he saw one at his new nursery, aged not quite 2 (his keyworker then said they were trying to teach him lorry!), or when ds1 at a similar age was sharing a book about diggers and stuff with fil - "dumb fuck Grandad!"

'it's okay, it's okay, it's okay'

followed my me saying... 'whats okay?'

then being lead to the offence with lots of pointing and more 'it's okay?'s

"Oh! Oh no! ... ... Nooooo ... Oh dear, oh no no, dear ... ... It's everywhere! ... Oh no, oh dear ... ... MAMMY! IT'S EVERYWHERE!" - DS had gotten hold of the suncream and given it a good hard squeeze with the lid off.

"Look Mammy, I'm all pretty" - one minute he was painting, the next he had painted his entire face and most of his hair hot pink with streaks of green. And it wouldn't completely wash out, he had pink eyebrows for days.

"I've done a poo!" I asked, you did a poo in the bathroom DS?. "Ye-es, poo in the bathroom ... " and it was in the bathroom, just not in the toilet.

The answer you don't want to hear in response to the question 'where did that £3 go?' -

"this is my imaginary friend Ben. his sister, Carr and their pet dinosaur, Tee. and they dont like you either!"

We had been talking about natural disasters a couple of weeks ago and I explained to him what a tsunami was. As we walk down a cove surrounded by high cliffs and plenty of people DS1 says 'mummy if a tsunami comes now everyone's gonna DIE' rather loudly

We were out for a walk when our DS shouted as loud as he could,
Mammy, it's a huuuuuge wog! And theres another wog, mammy, thats twoooooo wogs!

He meant log, he has trouble with the letter L thankfully he pronounces cwock for clock!!

He also sings, mac you bastard pacca when in the night garden comes on,
his dads fault entirely!

I cannot believe I forgot this one: every time DS whispers "ooops, KABOOM" my blood run cold before I hear the frame/mirror/glass/shelf crash on the floor

He is so clumsy and is very proud of "having two left hands" as my French mum puts it.

My darling sis who is 7 years younger than me was the bane of my younger life (we're close now!);

At the top of her voice (which was very very loud): "I'VE FINISHED AN' I DONE A POOOOOOOOOOO" on repeat.
Mortifying when I had friends to stay.

She also said "Mummy i love you and I want a hug." Alot. My mother fell for this every time but it was only said after doing something very bad (like writing her name on wall in marker pen, crossing it out then writing mine. Subtle.)

At the time of foot & mouth or CJD scare or something, when farming on news alot and industry 'on its knees' I happened to be going out with my first boyfriend, son of a farmer/Tory MP. A very lovely boy but we were about 17 so I wanted to die when first thing little sis said to him on that high pressure first visit home was "Your t-shirt must be stolen or not real because farmers are POOR." he was wearing a t-shirt with some logo like CK on.
I think we both wanted earth to swallow us up. Or her.

I'm pregnant now with DC1 & all those stories are bringing back my supressed traumatic childhood & making me wonder what I've got myself into

Nothing yet from DD but I remember my sister (not a toddler at 5) coming home from her first day of school and asking, "Mummy, is 'fuck off' rude?"

"You've (meaning herself) got a fruit flake up your nose" - maximum volume, in the middle of a church service. She was right, she had got a fruit flake stuck up her nose...

I dunna poo. Not in the plant. We don't do poos inna plant. Not in the plant....

Our youngest DC says 'uh oh' alot. The problem is he thinks that saying 'uh oh' while in the middle of doing something naughty negates the naughtiness and that this is his get out of jail free card.

DS pointing at a rather large man - Mummy, big man! (That's where you wish you can run very fast or have time machine...)

Yes, that's a good one "Why is that lady so fat?" etc.

DS1 used to yell 'I'm FUUUUUUCKED!' when strapped in to anything. He couldn't say 'stuck'.

DS2 named his stuffed dinosaur in front of doting grandparents 'Effer'.

Mummy - come quick - there's a big ALIVE one in the sandpit!

Ds, when asked what he would like to drink, by someone other than me, while on a group day out.

'I'm not allowed fizzy drink, so I think I'll have wine'

I only have wine about once a month!!! And at 4 DS isn't allowed any wine!