Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

Standing in the queue in ASDA, DD (when she was 2 - recently turned 3), points to the man behind us and loudly exclaims "Mummy, that man poo-stinks!!".

I'm waiting for the moment when she points to a pregnant lady and asks why she's so fat. My niece did that...

My all time low was DS aged 2 (he's 19 now!) shouting across the room at the Methodist Church Mother and Toddler Group "Get off me you bastard!".

He must have heard it on the telly - honest. Why he couldn't do it at the more laid back sports centre M&T, but no, he had to pick the church one. I crawled out of there in shame.

Weeping with laughter at Penis the imaginary bird...

"But why?" at least a trillion times a day....

My lovely daughter - who is always an angel....
at the age of 2 and half. She had a sore nose and I put some cream on it. I was just putting the lid on the cream when she says..

" for fuck's sake, that stings. Put it away"

I was mortified and she never said it again except in the hospital when I was having an antenatal appointment. She sneezed and snot went down her face and once again said
"for fuck's sake, I need a tissue"

My husband was hysterical with laughter.

My DS who is OFTEN naughty humiliated us when we were is SCS buying a sofa. Just as my husband is signing the paperwork he says

"my daddy has a BIG willy" to the sales girl. Cue lots of blushing and my rushing him out of the store.............

A few days ago when on holiday with family my brother went to the toilet on the campsite and my three year old went too. When they got back my DS announced to the whole campsite that 'Uncle heartmoonshadow has a big willy but it is not as big as my dad's'. I didn't know where to put myself I did snigger but out of DS sight then had a quick discussion about not looking at other people's willy's when in a public toilet or anywhere else to be honest!

All this talk of willies has reminded me of a couple of gems from my niece and nephew, when they were toddlers.

DNiece, to my DSis, loudly in the changing room at the swimming pool: "Mummy can I get hair THERE?"
DSis: "When you're older darling"
DN:"But I want hairs NOW"
DSis: "Hair will grow when you're older"
DN: "I know mummy, you can buy me some"

DNephew to my Dad, "Grandad, what colour is your willy? My Daddy's is brown, because Daddy is brown, but you are pink. Is your willy pink?"

And this too, from a friend. She was at a posh dinner party with her family, including elderly parents. Her youngest niece (around 3 at the time) shouted to her across the table, "X have you got a vagina? You are a girl and girls have vaginas don't they?"

Friend walked into her kitchen and asked her DD "what you doing?"

Her DD turned round holding the gas lighter for the cooker and replied, "I'm lighting things."

many years ago now... dd1 had a tongue tie and struggled to say consonant "f" followed by "l"....
at the airport : "look mummy, scottish slags!"

DD2 at 2, told my in laws round the dinner table that mummy has a furry bottom. She told a member of staff at nursery that daddy has a big willy.

(from another room) "Mummy, I want to say sorry..." .

When I was a toddler we lived overseas and my parents sent cassettes back to grandparents of "little person chattering" either in conversation with one of them or just yakking away to myself unattended... I am sure there were many out takes, but one which they kept was me in the bath splashing a bit but not making enough cute chatter for posterity... To stimulate a more interesting bit of tape, my mum prompted from the next room "what are you doing now, ?"
...
"just fucking around, mummy"

When I came downstairs after getting myself ready and putting some make up on for a (rare) night out, my 3 year old spluttering "Mummy, what have you done to your face?!"

getting cut off in car my dad shouts, u effin dick! a day later my dd says in supermarket queue, are there lots of effin dicks around?

mummy.... yes?(in public toilet cubicle) whats all that bleed for?... tell you later ok.... ok mummy, but why are you putting on a nappy??

sitting on a bus someone has let one go and my dd very loudly states, some guffy bugger has just farted and its rotten!!.... oh the shame

Silence is golden. Unless you have a toddler. Then it is very VERY concerning...

my DS struggles with pronouncing his r's and still drops half words so when he was running round the doctors waiting room shouting 'round corner mum' (wand-kor) i got some funny looks

i hate hearing 'done tink' when ive put him to bed - it usually means poo and its not always in his nappy

My 19 month old announced that that there was a "cool dude" in the waiting room of the train station today - its something we say to him whenever he puts on a hat or dark glasses. I thought it was funny until I realised the woman in question was not only wearing dark glasses but also carrying a white stick. Oops!

"UH OH!"

or

"OH NO MUM!"

Or

"BLOOKEN MUM OH NO BLOOKEN"

adopted brother and sister belonging to my mum's ex BF, aged about 5 and 7. Whispered conversation and giggling in the back of the car....
Bro - here, smell my finger
My mum - what? er, ok....ew yuck, thats nasty
Bro - who's bottom did that come from? mine or sis?

Ds at 2ish - "oh look mummy my willy is raining!"
Ds at 2 and a half, nail scissors in hands: Mummy, can you take my willy off? I can't do it. I need to put it in the Gup with Barnacles, it need to go on an adventure (a Gup is an underwater ship type toy for those uninitiated).

Dear reader, please be careful to always put the scissors back after nail clipping! A grave error was nearly made...

Ooh, thunks, that just made me feel a bit faint.

Me too. Doesn't bear thinking about !

DD aged nearly two, at FIL's house, loudly, early in the morning: "Big cock, more cock!"
Me, nervously translating: "ha ha she means 'Big clock, small clock'"

'mummy look at that mans big tummy' in a Daddy Pig styley. Unfortunately it was a rather large lady!