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Original poster

Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

277 replies

QueenOfFarkingEverything · 10/09/2012 06:59

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

OP posts:
WidowWadman · 10/09/2012 21:27

Beach! Beach! I love the beach! Pronounced with a short/i/ and at maximum volume over and over again.

zipzap · 10/09/2012 21:44

Laughing at all these.

DS2 told me yesterday to 'stop kissing my brain mummy' - I was just giving him a little drop kiss on the top of his head.

And a couple of days previously he told me to 'stop rubbing sun cream in my brain, it will stop it working' Grin

Think they must have been doing bits of the body in nursery and he hasn't quite taken on board that you can't touch your own brain under most normal circumstances!

Mind you ds1 is at school now (7) - he came home on the last day of term and seemed a bit upset and worried. Eventually we got it out of him that he thought he was going to die in the next couple of days - apparently a rat had run over his shoe in the playground AngryShockSad (and that's a whole rant for another thread). He'd been doing the plague as part of the project work that term and had put 2 and 2 together - rats spreading the plague plus rat touching his shoe - and figured out that he would be getting the plague and therefore dead in the next couple of days Sad. took a lot of convincing that the rats locally no longer carry the plague and that he would be OK. (and that mummy wanted to sterilise clean his shoes asap). And because it was the last day of term there was no going in to school the next morning to get the teacher to tell him that whilst yes, he was right about rats and the plague, she'd forgotten to mention (or he was not listening when she did!) that that was no longer the case!

BulletProofMum · 10/09/2012 21:45

Look mummy, my winky's gone really big.

In a swimming pool changing room just as there's a lull in the background noise

SheilaWheeler · 10/09/2012 21:47

DS2, aged about 5, watching a parade standing next to someone chain-smoking (literally - lighting one cigarette from the previous one) said very loudly 'you're gonna DIE'

hermionestranger · 10/09/2012 21:57

DS1 the other day. My willy is big, but it'll go back to small soon.

Dh fel about laughing. Later on he asked ds1 had his willy gone back to small now. Yes says DS1 and pulled his pants down to show him. Grin

LoosingBattle · 10/09/2012 22:04

"oh dear Mummy, I thought that cow pat had cling film on it"

Ashamed to say that was said by me, aged about 4, ankle deep in cow shite. Hmm Blush Pretty sure it wasn't what my Mother wanted to hear! although I still hear about it at every given opportunity

BramblyHedge · 10/09/2012 22:08

"mummy, why is the woman next to us making those loud noises" (the woman in the next toilet cubicle was obviously straining)

"that woman is very fat, she shouldn't be eating crisps"

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 10/09/2012 22:24

"I LOVE PINK CROCS!"

Yelled enthusiastically everywhere she wears them. The beach, the shops, the zoo.

If only she could pronounce her 'R's. Blush

dementedma · 10/09/2012 22:31

I can't do my FUCKING sandals!
Exasperated voice from behind chair At house of very respectable friends of my mothers.

WidowWadman · 10/09/2012 22:35

My daughter, being bilingual usually thinks that new words or words that she doesn't quite understand are German.

We haven't corrected her when she recently announced proudly "Bellend ist in deutsch, mummy"

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 10/09/2012 22:43

I agree with the OP that the most ominous and terrifying sound is the silence.

In the Breastmilk household, it almost inevitably means someone pooing or drawing where they shouldn't.

skyebluesapphire · 10/09/2012 22:53

crying with laughter at these and trying to remember DD's

silence - what are you doing DD? "Nothing, but don't come and see"

Are you wearing pants DD? "Yes, but dont look"

When younger - I love my cocks (crocs)

STBXH hits finger with hammer and says "oh dear" DD pipes up "oh for f*s sake"

DD telling the neighbour last week - i slept with mummy last night as there is crap all over my bed.....

MoJangled · 10/09/2012 23:12

DN aged 3: Boys have willies and girls have necklaces

mum4041 · 10/09/2012 23:21

Ours were usually when related to public toilets:

Why is your bottom so hairy mummy? in a loud voice when there's a big queue outside, you're just about to face.

No, I don't want to go to the toilet with mummy, I want to go with daddy. I want to see the wee coming out of the willies.

Our doctor's very nice, but she never knows what's wrong with you. Something I'd said to a friend which my dd aged 4 chose to repeat to the receptionist at the doctors practice.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 10/09/2012 23:23

"you go kitchen mummy" usually after I have told him to stop doing something he wants to do... (does he really think I am falling for that one?)

MadStaringEyes · 10/09/2012 23:25

Ds1 in a public toilet : Oh mummy, look, my poor looks like a monster!

Ds2 at the park : Help, mummy, help! I turn to find him dangling over the edge of a bin.

Ds1 on his stay and play at preschool : Granda has taken Ds2 to the pub.

trikken · 10/09/2012 23:27

im sure dh was enormously pleased ti hear two year old dd shouf from upstairs "daddyyy! my panties are all juicy." he says "did u have a accident?" "yes daddy, I washed my pants out in the toilet".

when we went to lidl she yelled out "mummy there are your nappies!" pointing to the sanitry towels in front of a whole load of people.

Iwillorderthefood · 10/09/2012 23:41

DD in changing room at swimming pool with a father of another child who older DD goes to school With said "mummy you have a dirty bottom"

DD asked me whilst person going by "mummy why is that man so short"

Also had "MUmmy that lady is in a wheelchair because her legs don't work"

DH been told his bottom is in the outside.

GroupieGirl · 10/09/2012 23:48

GroupieGran: What are you watching?

MiniGroupie: Baby sex.

Me: Shrek! Baby Shreks!!

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 10/09/2012 23:56

"Shit, Shitting, Shit". Obsessed with sitting, can't say sitting.

captaincourageous · 11/09/2012 00:11

In Kosher deli dd (4) points at pack of smoked salmon in fridge and asks in a very loud (she had glue ear) voice, "Mummy, is that ham? Can I have some."

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 11/09/2012 00:26

zipzap dear lord, are schools still peddling the stuff about rats spreading plague? I thought it had been scientifically proven for quite a while now that that was not the case. Most evidence points to the black plague being more like an infection, a medieval equivalent of eboli fever type of thing. I'm sure it's even been on QI for,goodness sake as a "let's make Alan look dumb again" question. Perhaps you could google some more up to date science to reassure your son?

iwannaslapsome1 · 11/09/2012 00:27

i can't stop laughing.

standing in the till in morrisons ds to me mummy piss (please) piss mummy weets me to ds no you just had sweets ds oh fucksake

mum4041 · 11/09/2012 00:34

They are still spouting the stuff about rats and plague at school. My six year old came home and said "some people get it today".

I thought, what nonsense she's obviously misunderstood.

And lo and behold there was a story in the news last week about a child in USA who'd contracted bubonic plague from burying a dead squirrel she found.

My six year old informs me it's the fleas on the rats back that spread the plague. I'm beginning to think she knows more about it than me so I should probably believe her.

mum4041 · 11/09/2012 00:36

here's the link:

www.key103.co.uk/news/uk-and-world/20120906-girl-catches-bubonic-plague-from-squirrel/

sorry to go off topic