Things you don't want to hear a toddler say....

[QueenOfFarkingEverything]

I'll start with "Oh dear, poo all over the place" [sigh]

Though this is closely rivalled by Nothing At All aka completeanduttersilence

Oh god, DS asking the estate agent why he had such a large bottom. He sounded most impressed, though I doubt this consoled the agent much.

Trying to sort out all the video,sky,dvd etc connections I had hand enough, through down the wires with an 'oh bloody hell' and stormed out room to make a cuppa, as I did I heard an 'oh oody ell' from behind me-dd1

Another time mil was babysitting when she heard 'i've got a very mucky face' come over the baby monitor-dd1 in her cot had managed to reach tub of aqueous cream and she, her cuddly rabbit and cot were covered!

This is funny because we will officially be in toddler territory at the end of this month.

(Through bathroom door) "Mummy, I do a REALLY BIG wee in the potty! I do a poo now." (Grunting.) "Fiiiiiniiiished! I picking up the potty! I carry it to Daddy!" (Sound of plastic object tumbling down stairs.) "Mummmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy!"

my gs whos is 2 was watching the telly when the tampax add came on ,he lookes at me and says mammar you got tampax i spat my drink all over my comp could not stop laughing for ages bless him

Oh dear! These posts have brought back a forgotten memory. My DS was being potty trained and we were staying with my parents for Christmas 100 years ago. Our name for poo then was 'nuts'. My DS walked to his grandad pleased with himself. He said, "Nuts," and carried a handful to his granddad. Grandad thought he meant the sort of nuts you eat so held out his hand .....

I fell about laughing for years after that

DS (2.5) calls my Dad 'Bugger'.

What a sad indictment on UK parenting, too many lavatorial tales imho. I think we should be worried. How about (we had just moved into a new house) Ooops! I'm a bit lost!

So Driftwood, if we were all better parents, would our toddlers all be perfectly toilet trained overnight? Do tell us.

Bless.

Fwiw, ds was toilet trained at 3 and it took a week. He has been dry day and night ever since.

And he's still a little bugger.

How do you know these are all from UK parents, Driftwood...?

In Tesco and a larger lady was perusing the shelves. Cue DD beeping and waving her arms around shouting "wide load reversing!" Bloody Bob the Builder.

These tales have had me laughing out loud on my commute today!

Sorry if this is a repeat, not read all of them, there are some brilliant ones here, and some I recognise! Ours was one night a little voice shouting 'daddy is mummy ok, she sounds poorly' he was only 2.6

In public toilets- Mummy you have poo on your pants [slight blood on sanitary towel]. I whisper back 'no I haven't'. 'Look mummy, look- THERE you have POO on your nappy'.
Walked out to smirks....

This thread has me crying with laughter! Especially the stories about willies and announcements in toilets! DS1 is 16 months, and starting to talk...I'll be a bit more careful what I say with him around!

When I was about 5 I was with my dad in the chemist and must have spotted the contraception shelf...loudly asking, "Daddy, what's Duricks?" When he tried to shush me, I just kept asking...

This thread has me crying with laughter! Especially the stories about willies and announcements in toilets! DS1 is 16 months, and starting to talk...I'll be a bit more careful what I say with him around!

When I was about 5 I was with my dad in the chemist and must have spotted the contraception shelf...loudly asking, "Daddy, what's Duricks?" When he tried to shush me, I just kept asking...

Dd1: oh bollocks
Dh: we don't say that do we?
Dd1: mummy does. All.the.time (with hands on hips and roll of eyes)

My DS aged 3 had wandered into the kitchen and I was in the sitting room when I was disturbed by a shriek of, mummy everything's gone blue! I rushed in to find DS had opened a bottle of blue food colouring and everything was indeed blue, his hands,face the kitchen counter tops! You might think the food colouring bottle only contain a little but you have no idea how far that stuff can travel and stain!

dd1 'is that the lady with the big nose I'm not supposed to talk about?' (loudly, on a bus, pointing at her)
same child, going to the loo and hearing the person in the next cubicle
'what was that splash?'
and another! Let's count! One , two, three! THAT'S A BIG POO ISN'T IT MUMMY?
WHY CAN'T I OPEN THE DOOR YET?WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT TILL THE LADY HAS GONE?(all at jumbo-jet decibel level..)

I have mentioned this one on another thread. I was standing on a bus with two small DCs. DS was 2. An 'older' woman standing next to us had her bag on the floor between her feet, leaving her hands free to hold on. She was standing sideways to us so one leg was hidden.

DS it's always loudly, isn't it?: "Mummy, why has that lady only got one leg?" Cue a ripple of laughter on the bus. The other passenger thought it was funny, too.

hug my hand

My heart sinks when I hear the word
"nuffing!"
Usually indiates he's drawn on the tv OR
poked yet another hole in his dads beloved speakers that he stupidly insists on keeping in the living room OR
he's missed his potty and shit on the floor.

I also run like the wind when I hear,
"Mammy, look, I'm a fireman!" this is when I find him jumping onto curtains from something high so he can slide down his "firemans pole" Fireman sam has alot to answer for...

oops, i missed the 'you don't want to hear' bit of the thread. My DS saying 'hug my hand' is exactly what I DO want to hear!

I dread the word
"ooopsy"
From my ds2 (3)