You know you have a toddler when...

[Psammead]

You have to stop in the street when you see a bus for a quiet but rousing verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus'.

You accidentely bash the cat over the head, and then watch it for a few fretful seconds to see if it will burst into tears.

You have to resist the urge to clap and congratulate others on mundane achievements such as eating up all their din-dins.

You say din-dins.

You refer to yourself in the third person. This is the preserve of toddler-parents and psychopaths. This may or may not be a coincidence.

You decide that you prefer the skirting board coloured-in.

After taking a corner a bit fast whilst driving, causing dh to grab his seat and veer dangerously close to the windscreen as you brake, he exclaims loudly, without even thinking about appropriate language to use with dc in the car;

"blimey Michael O'Reilly".

You are really delighted to AT LAST have official permission from the Universe to sing loudly as you walk down the road. And it doesn't have to be "wheels on the bloody bus" - no kiddies just love pop songs.

You are unconcerned that your 2yo is hiding in a locker in the swimming changing room with the door completely shut, because at least you know where he is and he's not escaped out into the lobby, necessitating you running out there after him in a towel

You find toothpaste all over your iphone because your toddler has decided to clean 'Talking Toms' teeth.

You no longer consider the andrex puppy to be cute.

You have snail trails of snot on your shoulder (and have given up caring!) and your groin area of your trousers have biscuit smears from when they come and 'hide' between your legs...

your road rage is necessarily reduced to "oh what a silly man!" follwing DD's too accurate imitation of the usual turn of phrase

you just can't cope with the Why's any more and are reduced to "Because i said so" Even though you faithfully promised never ever to utter those words

complex and detailed lies are constructed to cover up the fact that her favourite Dora the explorer dish was broken by Nana whilst of course maitining we must never tell lies

you can't have along hot soak in the tub because a) you like it too hot for toddler skin and b)toddler has eczema and doesn't respond well to lovely smelling grown up lotions and potions and you both know the toddler will need a bath very urgently the minute you sink into bath so it should a) be cool enough and b)smell like baby bath stuff. And none of this matters because just before toddler needs this urgent bath she will (very grown up like) use the toilet for the smelliest poo she can create.

You spend 20 minutes in the freezing cold unable to complete the short walk home as there is a digger to be watched.

Repeat several times daily for the three months it took them to replace the gas pipes in our road last winter

you don't even notice the fact you have done the school run with snot covering most of your right shoulder.

you have been up since 5AM and yet nothing constructive has been acheived.

That was this morning's revelations

You have 'artwork' drawn in crayons on your walls

You answer the same question more times than you care to mention

Sleep is a dim and distant memory...

You check the toilet first before every time you use it for keys/bricks/toothbrushes/the bath plug

You have stopped calling DH by his name, even when DS isnt there he is daddy.

I also found myself playing "peepo" with DH last night

You could cry in sleep-deprived desperation and at the same time think it is adorable when you are woken at 5am on a Saturday morning by a small voice 5cm from your ear joyously singing "Stop! In the name of love, before you bwake my heart..."

You are aware that it is in fact possible to have crumbs from carrot after cleaning a stack of carrot crumbs off the carpet after toddler has been eating carrot sticks.

The hole in the middle of speakers is an obvious place to keep duplo.

When you catch yourself addressing DH as Dadda, and your toddler isn't in the room.

I was sniggering so much at this I had to share it with the rest of the office!

You know when you have a toddler when ... tea is a medical necessity

Blue I need coffee, but he's asleep on my arm and has been such a miserable little boy today, I don't want to chance waking him by moving

every apple in th efruit bowl has on etiny little bote out of it

When you talk 'Toddler' in your sleep. DH sleeptalks and has been known to wake me by asking if I need a Wee wee. :)

these are brilliant & so true!!

when you don't mind being stuck behind a truck delivering a skip for 20 minutes on the way to ikea!

when you spend hours and hours recording your toddler singing incy wincy on your iphone!
"was da spidaaaa OUT!!!!"

You sit down with a mug of coffee while their in nursery and find yourself engrossed in CBeebies that you left on.

Because you find yourself drawn back to this thread threads like this several times and still recognise everything the other posters say. And then find yourself wondering why it isn't in classics yet.

The longer you watch outnumbered on tv you realise it is not a funny comedy but an accurate documentary on the state of your life now and a warning as to what the future is set to hold.

You turn on the gas fire just to find a flame coming out and melted wax dripping down (darn you wax crayons!).

You cherish the moments you can have a poo in peace as they are a very rare occasion.

You are used to having a shower while a little person constantly pulls open the curtain and shouts 'peepo'.

Your DH farts and you shout out 'dada pom-pom, dada stinky stinky'.

Your child-less friends get used to you taking their hand to cross the road.

Mama I got sick of the wet floor so now every time I have a shower said little person gets plonked in the "shallow end" with some toys

When you talk about doggy at your friend grown up dinner party.
When you forget what it like to go to the toilet on your own.
When you spend ages looking for your keys, bags, wallet and the content of your wallet.
And when you have to check all the rubbish bags before throwing them out...

You know that quietness, means you're about to lose your head when you find out why toddler is quiet!!!! (drawing on wall, car roof etc with crayons!!)

You find yourself building mega bloks even when the toddler doesn't want to just because you find it fun

You spend hours of your life on amazon, looking for the disney little pigs and various lego duplo!!

You now hate shopping, as it's an embarrassing act with a 2yr old, especially when lying on the floor and repeating swear words he's heard somewhere?!

Or your driving you and DH to a night out, and DH suddenly asks why you've pressed the lock doors button on the car!

When your male patients sit forward for you to listen to the back of their chest you say 'Good BOY'.