You know you have a toddler when...

[Psammead]

You have to stop in the street when you see a bus for a quiet but rousing verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus'.

You accidentely bash the cat over the head, and then watch it for a few fretful seconds to see if it will burst into tears.

You have to resist the urge to clap and congratulate others on mundane achievements such as eating up all their din-dins.

You say din-dins.

You refer to yourself in the third person. This is the preserve of toddler-parents and psychopaths. This may or may not be a coincidence.

You decide that you prefer the skirting board coloured-in.

Oh yes! I love my daughter so much when she is asleep

When you spy a 2p coin on the office floor (containing only adults) and shout manically across to the nearest person "Pick that up before someone puts that in their mouth"

When you get up half an hour early in the morning to leave time for the inevitable meltdown.

"I did it! I a Big Boy!"
"Yes, DS, you are."
"Yay! I drive car now!"
Followed by flying toys, writhing on floor etc as he is forced to accept that pooing in the toilet does not automatically result in the issuing of a driving licence.

When DS is playing with alphabet jigsaw and proudly telling you that c is for cat, d is for dog etc, then pauses for a while over "y" before triumphantly announcing, "Y is for yoyyipop!"

You are such a cruel mum, FranticBanana. Imagine not letting your todler drive the car - when he'd done a poo in the toilet too. For shame!

You tell your HORSE, "Look 'Neddy', an AEROPLANE". (Thankfully only my horse, not my workmates!)

Root canal treatment at the dentist constitutes a bit of 'me time'. Seriously. Happened to me today!!

New one for today: you get to work and find a small squishy football in your bag

PontyMython that reminds me - your colleague has a headache and asks if you have any painkillers and all you are able to find are three manky looking calpol sachets in the bottom of your handbag

You get really good at working out verbal riddles.

It did take me a while to realise 'the Ballerina song' that DC4 was stropping to be played in the car was 'Valerie' by Amy Winehouse but I got there in the end.
I used to love that song.

You're not sure you'll be able to keep your current job (extreme tiredness has rendered you practically unable to even remember the work speak you used to talk in meetings) but you think you might be able to get a job as a hostage negotiator. You can spend all morning talking someone out of their unreasonable demands without every getting to a full-on 'No' vs 'Yes' situation...well until about 5pm when all your patience has gone...

Oh god

At work I was walking along behind some VIPs down the corridor and they were going to slow.

I went "BEEP BEEP"

Mortifying.

I remember pulling a triceratops out my bag at work when looking for a pen

you find yourself spelling words out in Jolly Phonics even in adult company.

The name you have given your child is a name that you are actually sick of shouting saying 400 times a day.

Your hand is the recepticle for the half chewed mouthful he has decided he doesn't like anymore and will surely die if it remains in his mouth for a second longer.

You weep with relief when your mum friends, who also have toddlers, have that same "look" on their faces at various times of the day when it's the turn of their toddler to start world war three.

You begin to understand the sheer trauma of another toddler daring to look at a toy that your toddler was thinking about maybe playing with in the near future.

The naughty/time out step is the most used piece of "furniture".

By 5pm you are sitting in a corner, crying into a vodka and rocking (okay, maybe I made that one up but it's always a possibility at the moment....... I have a toddler and an 11wo!!)

A nice one to end with........ an impromptu dance move/giggle/cuddle can make your heart melt.

"Or indeed you feel heartcrushing disappointment when you see a digger, actually DIGGING and your toddler is NOT with you."

I STILL feel like that now. He's 8.

You automatically grab the hand behind you in the market/supermarket to make sure you dont loose your child. Just to find you are pulling an old lady along behind you instead to the huge amusement of the old lady, your child and your DP.

You do this repeatedly on various occations.

You put a zip up cardigan on your almost 2yo from behind before they realise you've done it, then ask them to turn around so you can fasten it....so she does.....around and around, and around in circles with a huge grin on her face....before droping to her bum and frog hopping away giggling!

When you consider a lowlypop, bowl of cornflakes and ritz crackers an alright lunch for the above mentioned monster because she's fussy at lunchtime, but not any other time of day

when you tell your almost 5yo there's a neenoo (fire engine) coming down the road & she looks at you in disbelief, reminding you the toddler who would find it fascinating is not with you

when you look forward to going up several times a night to turn around the monkey because she determined to sleep in bizzare positions & actually enjoy it because she gets al snuggly like when she was a baby

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius To be fair, we'd have been sitting in the car a very long time, waiting for his legs to grow long enough to reach the pedals. Might have been a bit late for work.

Your work trousers, contain, money, bank card, keys, snot, used tissues, wet wipes, lego and a spoon.

You fear whenever people knock on the door due to the state of the house. You cry with relief at the realisation that other parents houses are just as bad as yours and you love them just that little bit more for it.

You argue with yourself for ages about spending £7.00 on mascara but will think nothing of spending twice that on a toy or dvd for them. Just because you know they will like it.

You find yourself apologising for everything.

When out on your own, you find yourself walking from one side of the pavement to the other in a drunk fashion because you havent got the pram to hold onto.

You grab your mates hand when you cross the road. If they have kids they will grab yours too without realising. When this happens, neither of you bat an eyelid.

DP walks in after a day at work and doesnt even comment on the state of the house but instead runs back out to grab a takeaway while yelling behind him, dont bother cooking, you've had a hard day- I bloody loved him for that.

The windows are screwed down at a certain point because the little bugger has figured out how to undo the lock to open them wide.

You can have 3 conversations at once about various topics, ranging from, peppa pig, star wars and electrical installation.

You google everything they asked about that day that same evening so when they ask that same question again the next day you can give them the answer instantly.

You have a vast knowlege in detail about almost everything but nothing in particular.

You panic when you are asked to go out on a night out with the girls despite being excited at the same time. You then go home at 11pm because you are tired, bored and miss the kids.

A fair point, FranticBanana - I absolve you of cruelty.

You dont shout at your toddler, when you eventually find the really good drawing of daddy, on the side of the sofa done in a sharpie pen but instead take a picture and send it your mates, parents and inlaws and DP.

Microwaving your tea made mid morning about 8 times before you actually get to finish it.

Finding two big handfuls of conkers in your coat pocket that werecollected in the woods every walk, for the fairies to eat Mummy!

Handbag full of trains, cars, stickers books, half eaten cereal bars, really really heavy from various water bottles and just enough room for my purse but god forbid there's room for my makeup! No time for that!

You know where the nearest (clean) public toilet is wherever you go! Or have a travel potty in your car from bigger emergencies!

Oh and bedtime NEVER comes around quickly enough sometimes cos you are bored by the sound of your own voice failing in your negotiations with the best of the UNs negotiators.

And there never seems to be enough wine some nights.

molepom yours are hysterical! Totally know where you are coming from!

Well - coffee's my poison, millie, but I know what you are saying about microwaving your drink so many times. Luckily I don't mind cold coffee.

Edit on the fruit: Half your food budget is spent on fresh, out of season soft fruit but a piece of fruit has actually not passed your lips for over a year.

"No, mummy, it's MINE!" is a perfectly reasonable argument.

The UN and Police Negociators have NOTHING on your skills for resolving conflicts and you wonder how on earth these people got those jobs.

You leave the house with the kids looking immaculate but you remember at the school gate you havent even brushed your own hair and have just thrown it up in a quick ponytail..again.

The first day of school and nursery and you sit on the sofa panicking, clucking and feeling generally lost - this lasts for about a week.

You think nothing of finding your kids in YOUR pj's, in YOUR bed dribbling on YOUR pillows and have made the transfer of said children into their own beds without waking them into an art worthy of an olympic medal.

You wake up and find they have put water wings on you while you were asleep.

Your elderly neighbours are deaf but can hear your kids through the walls and laugh about it with you on a daily basis....and you still apologise.

The same elderly neighbours are used to the sight of your naked 3 year old standing on the window sill waving to the people at the bus stop opposite.

EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING can be solved with calpol, headaches, scuffed knees, viruses, colds, world wars..

They can remember everything you have promised them since the moment they were conceived but never remember to brush their teeth or go to the loo before bed.

You consider running away from home for the first time since you were a child yourself but decide against it as you cant be bothered.

You go to work for a BREAK.

You do a full days work before you leave the house for work and then manage to nod sympathetically to the bint moaning that she was late again because she couldnt find her tweezers/hair straightners.