You know you have a toddler when...

[Psammead]

You have to stop in the street when you see a bus for a quiet but rousing verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus'.

You accidentely bash the cat over the head, and then watch it for a few fretful seconds to see if it will burst into tears.

You have to resist the urge to clap and congratulate others on mundane achievements such as eating up all their din-dins.

You say din-dins.

You refer to yourself in the third person. This is the preserve of toddler-parents and psychopaths. This may or may not be a coincidence.

You decide that you prefer the skirting board coloured-in.

When the only time your LO will willingly sit on your knee for cuddle is when you are having a poo.

When you look forward to work as you will have a whole 8 hours of no-one repeating your every word over and over.

Fab thread

I quite often do the "Er, what do you say?" or even "Please" very pointedly at adults that don't say please I figure that if my 4year old can mostly manage it, then adults should be able to!

At PYC!

When you are in a playground with a group of mums and you all slowly back away from a peculiar stain - then all lean in together to try to identify it, and breathe simultaneous sighs of relief as one says 'its OK - its only splattered play dough', and then carry on chatting, as if nothing has happened!

DS is only 7 months, so we're not at all of this yet.

However, my cousin is coming round on Thursday with her 4 year old, 23 month old and 7 month old. I'm now slightly worried about the whole thing and wondering whether to move our fig tree upstairs.

You spent 20 minutes looking in the bushes. That was where he was pointing, after all. Another 10 minutes in the flower beds. Half an hour unscrewing the shed door and another 3/4 taking the lock to the locksmith. Half an hour later and the shed door's back on again. Finally sit down for a cup of tea. But no, he beckons you over and shows you the drawer where he was hiding the key all along..

You go clothes shopping with your mum and gather up the folds of jumper ready just to "pop" over her head

Jolly move anything precious upstairs! :)

You find yourself walking round the house singing 'fi-fi and the flowertots' out aloud.

you are picking a third iphone out of the toilet.

When you meet a girlfriend for coffee and you spend your entire time discussing poo, vomit, tantrums and being told "i don't love you anymore and you are not my best friend!" Then you tell her how your toddler is learning the alphabet, well his version anyway, P is for poo poo, T is for toilet and W is for wee wee.....

A line of food gunk all around the house at a certain low level.

And... ten years down the line am still talking to the dog and anyone who will listen in toddler talk eg. I'm going for a wee wee in the toilet! saying words like crogramme instead of programme, garner instead of garden etc.

I haven't grown up have I? Kids roll there eyes at me but have a little secret smile too!

You find yourself walking towards the washing machine with an armful of washing, deliberately dropping the odd sock just so your little one can "help" by picking up anything that gets dropped.

When the child was a sweet little PFB baby sleeping in his pram as you wandered round town you secretly judged those mums shouting at badly behaved toddlers and think, "I'll raise my child to behave better. I won't get mad at my kid like that in public.'

Now when you see that you just smile with relief because at that point in time it isn't you with the little boy screaming on the shop floor. 10 minutes ago it WAS your little boy screaming on the shop floor......

Mine are hulking great teenagers too - all taller than me (the gits), and this thread has brought back some happy memories. Especially The Silence - because that doesn't mean that your toddler is happily engrossed with some toy or other, but that he is up to no good.

I remember having a long conversation with ds1 in the Chemist, about why I wasn't going to show him the abcess on my boob (the reason we were waiting for antibiotics) - in front of a fascinated crowd of shoppers who had materialised from nowhere.

When you dh doesn't bat an eye lid when he comes home to the small person sat eating at the table with two odd shoes on, on the wrong feet (banana feet) and a bike helmet on too!!

*your

beyond are you me? My dd has an obsession with potatoes, they are everywhere, in wellies, the washer, on the stairs.
Also a few weeks ago as I proudly marched to playgroup with the double buggy having dropped ds2 at school, taken ds1 to an ent appt dropped him at school, given ds3 a breast feed and solids and got dd some lunch in time to attend said playgroup only to realise that I hadn't eaten all day!!!!!

-You say 'oh dear!' in an overly bright voice to a colleague who's just dropped her cutlery in the canteen.
-You are frequently moved to curse the designers of washing machines, ovens, dishwashers, etc who put all the controls at TODDLER HEIGHT!
-You consider visits to the houses of non-parents as just so many expensive ornaments/stereo equipment/crockery disasters waiting to happen and get completely stressed in consequence.
-You never expect to finish your own meals.

When you find yourself saying surreal things and trying really hard not to crack out laughing, (today's example, 'no it is not newt time, it's nap time', whilst DD chants 'NEWT NEWT NEWT!').

When you find yourself wondering what you were so worried about in PFB days, when they could not even move, never mind attempt to turn on all the household appliances.

When you have condemned yourself as a Bad Mother because your DD has been shouting "damn, damn" at the breakfast table, which is followed by huge sense of relief a few days in when you realise they are shouting 'jam!, jam!).

When you start wearing a wooly hat, just to encourage them to keep theirs on.

When you find yourself sneaking into their room once they are asleep to watch them when they are still for the only time in the day and falling in love with them again.

Your DH rings you at work and says that the TV now has drawing on it in ink, which appears to not come off...

cue sinking feeling...

talking about myself and DH in 3rd person to DD "Mamma needs a wee wee...Papa' is in the bathroom etc"

still cheering when DD accomplishes poo or wee in potty though it's several months since she has been trained

clearing up crockery/tidying mess at a table even if we're at restaurant

absentmindedly cutting up DH food on his plate the other night

When you find yourself sneaking into their room once they are asleep to watch them when they are still for the only time in the day and falling in love with them again.

Jaffa you are so right

your sky plus has peppa pig/ben and holly/mickey mouse club house/max and ruby/team ummizoomi series linked and have to scan down through them to find your adult programs
...or worse your toddler actually says they want their programmes on, and when you reply they are not on at the minute they quip back
"i mean the ones on the planner!"

ebay searches have changed from whatever you normally searched for to certain toys your toddler is obsessed with....snow white in my DD case, disney DVDs, certain types of toddler clothing, and could even appear on your favourite or saved searches!