You know you have a toddler when...

[Psammead]

You have to stop in the street when you see a bus for a quiet but rousing verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus'.

You accidentely bash the cat over the head, and then watch it for a few fretful seconds to see if it will burst into tears.

You have to resist the urge to clap and congratulate others on mundane achievements such as eating up all their din-dins.

You say din-dins.

You refer to yourself in the third person. This is the preserve of toddler-parents and psychopaths. This may or may not be a coincidence.

You decide that you prefer the skirting board coloured-in.

'Morning, here's a for you

...They can remember everything you have promised them since the moment they were conceived but never remember to brush their teeth or go to the loo before bed.... Ohhhh yes to this one, molepom - it applies to teenagers too, only in my case, it's putting a new loo roll on the bloody loo roll holder when you use up the last of the fecking loo roll, that mine can't sodding remember. This winds me up a bit - did you guess?

You leave the soft play place more worn out than the child as you've been running round looking for them whilst they sit still in a corner hiding and watching you!