You know you have a toddler when...

[Psammead]

You have to stop in the street when you see a bus for a quiet but rousing verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus'.

You accidentely bash the cat over the head, and then watch it for a few fretful seconds to see if it will burst into tears.

You have to resist the urge to clap and congratulate others on mundane achievements such as eating up all their din-dins.

You say din-dins.

You refer to yourself in the third person. This is the preserve of toddler-parents and psychopaths. This may or may not be a coincidence.

You decide that you prefer the skirting board coloured-in.

My expensive make up brush has been demoted to microphone.

You're back home in bed by 10.30pm after a very rare night out because you know you'll be up at 3am 5am 6am.

You say to dh, 'if you looking for your keys, they're in your shoe. Not the one under the chalk board but the one on top of the sofa.'

a good majority of conversations start by you saying a name three times at increasing volumes followed by 'are you listening to me?'. You then whisper 'who wants a biscuit?' and are bugged for 30 mins until you provide said biscuit.

you don't bat an eyelid at finding most of the happy land populace under the sofa cushions

when switching on the tv in the suite of the 4 star hotel you're staying at during the only child free break you've had in three years , to exclaim with delight 'oh Peppa pig's on' only to feel let down when you realise it's the one about reacyling that you have on dvd

you find yourself apologising for not being the controller of Cbeebies/ radio 2/ Itv and being unable to make the octonaughts appear at will

you enlist the help of your sister to make a warewolf vampire hunter costume for christmas and have no shame in explaining in great detail to bemused colleagues what exactly this is.

You have childless friends round to dinner, you are clock watching at 11pm, wondering why the hell they won't leave as you are basically asleep with your eyes open.

You think Justin (Mr Tumble) is a comedy genius.

The urge to redecorate the house seems redundant.

You go out with your non-mummy friends and find yourself in a trendy bar, dancing like a children's tv presenter. Complete with waving hands.

your listening to the cd of christmas songs in the car in july...alone

You're not sure what to do with your arms on the rare occasion you find yourself walking without a pushchair or small child in hand.

Other people's children have become cute again (after your baby was the only baby in your the world) and that's only because they haven't exhausted your patience, annoyed you, about to annoy you, bickered and stropped for the past half hour and best of all, you're gonna hand them back. Unlike your toddler who you're stuck with

You look forward to child free time in the evenings, then spend all evening talking about the children and looking at photos of them

you still keep eating your breakfast even when someelse is sharing it, using your spoon, has coughed into it, and has splashed both their hands about in the milk.

you never get to eat any meal without sharing.

you serve yourself extra because you know some will disappear and you still end up with only half a portion.

you sympathise when small boy has lost his snot.

you say thankyou when he hands you snot (at least it is not on the ne cushion)

your clothes are hankies/towels/cloths for the use of small boy.

you stand outside the same house everyday looking at the bees, (trying not to loook like you are spying)

No wimba its when you go shopping and think shit no pushchair, shit I've got to carry this, shit half goes to the side of the belt!
I only ever shop with a basket, if I can carry it around I can carry it home

You wave at fireman ( any excuse!)

You carry on eating your meal despite someone having a noisy poo at the table.

When your out with non-parent friends, and you find yourself moving all cutlery and glasses, and anything breakable to the middle of the table, even though your toddler isnt with you.

When your toddler is in bed, and your topic of conversation with DP is about the new episode of Peppa pig you saw during the day.

You develop a mental checklist for scream intensity ranging from
• mild: I've lost x, y or z (can be ignored if busy)
• moderate: I've lost x, y or z AND fallen over my own foot (token pat on head and handing over of said item/alternate item)
• severe; I've lost x, y or z AND fallen over my own foot AND I want a biscuit (as moderate but with additional biscuit)
• nuclear: I've lost x, y or z AND fallen over my own foot AND I want a biscuit AND I'm tired and I don't want to go to bed (pick up child, pat, insert milky drink, hug tight, insert into bath, dry, story, bed, leave, grab and pray for silence!)

when at a play group you have 2 equal instincts when you hear a high pitched cry:

1. Is my dc hurt/ ok
2. Did my dc cause it?

You find yourself spotting cows/ sheep etc when in the car. Alone.

You always have paper and a crayon pen

Share is one of the main words in your vocabulary

You look to the left and look to the right and you always can find some snot on your shoulder

You long for 7pm but dread 6pm.

Justin Flecture is the man you see most often and is a close second to daddy

You always think in terms of toilets and snacks- which would make you a fab person to be stuck in a lift with- potty anyone? Hungry? Need a wipe?

You often forget to do your hair in the morning

Your elderly granny can't work the phone / DVD player / microwave but knows exactly what channel cbeebies is on, turns on said channel and exclaims 'ooo the Numberjacks! Oh, it's number 4s turn again. It's always his turn'.

Your house would be tidier if an actual bomb had actually hit it

You choose every single venue, outdoor and indoor, according to its proximity to toilets.

You fish in your handbag for a tissue to offer a friend and end up waving a very small pair of knickers at her instead. These may, on very fortunate occasions, still be clean and dry.

Crappy free corporate handouts at conferences, like stress balls and baseball caps, become Treasures to be taken gratefully.

On the occasions where you have a doctor, dentist, accountant or other professional appointment to which you absolutely cannot bring children, you hope fervently that they will be running an hour behind schedule.

You dread going around to a friend's house again because last time they attacked the cat in excitement, and left handprints on the telly (when they smacked the shit out of it) as you've wisely put yours up on the wall.
And you even had the foresight to move all the ornaments up two shelves for them.

You think broccoli should always be dipped in cherry yoghurt.

You shout 'helicopter' when out on your own.

You cheer at being handed half-chewed
anything and will eat it if there's nowhere to throw it

You spend a large proportion of the day muttering and sighing.

You get excited about the octonaughts Christmas special

When you can't find your keys/purse/shoes (any other item) the first place you look is on the toy pram, toy cupboard and under the sofa cushions

Your coffee table drawer has turned into a nice place to sit and eat dinner despite spending a fortune on a high chair

It takes 45 minutes from the time you decide your going to go out to actually get out the door and you will still have forgotten something!

Your dh comes home to find you in an exausted heap on the sofa surrounded by toys, food and a dd running around with her trousers on her head, jacket wrapped round her neck and socks on her hands and doesn't bat an eye lid all he says is 'you had a nice day?'

Your non children friends actually take two paracetamols before they come round for a visit

You automatically hold up a jumper for ease of head/arm insertion, and realise you are at work and that isn't your toddler in front of you, it's a quite attractive 20 something man whose chest you have just x-rayed .