You know you have a toddler when...

[Psammead]

You have to stop in the street when you see a bus for a quiet but rousing verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus'.

You accidentely bash the cat over the head, and then watch it for a few fretful seconds to see if it will burst into tears.

You have to resist the urge to clap and congratulate others on mundane achievements such as eating up all their din-dins.

You say din-dins.

You refer to yourself in the third person. This is the preserve of toddler-parents and psychopaths. This may or may not be a coincidence.

You decide that you prefer the skirting board coloured-in.

You look back at pics of when they were 6 months, 12 months 18 months old and start crying because they were so sweet then and by contrast they have spent the whole of today saying "no", refusing to join in with any games/activities you try, chucking the food you have made for them all over the floor without even trying it and refusing to let you even read them a story at bedtime

To be fair to DD (2.6) she has got a really rotten cold, her voice is really hoarse, she cant sleep properly as she can't breathe and she has got a one month old baby brother who has turned her little world upside down ...

And breathe - tomorrow is another day and my sweet little girl will come back ... one day!

Reading LO's favourite books for the umpteenth time sends you to sleep not your LO, even more worryingly if you can read the book without looking at the words... if anyone wants a personal rendition of Rainbow Rob?

I second that lost keys, phone etc are probably in LO's toy box.

Also to finding toys in the washing machine, usually staring out at you from a soapy abyss.

Reprimanding your LO before he/she has even done anything usually because its either been too long or the 'silence'.

You start to sound like your own mother.

Having to buy random loose fruit/veg from the supermarket because LO has taken a bite out of it. Feeling slightly red-faced when young probably childless cashier puts a cucumber with a bite out of it through with look that says, 'wtf?'.

I found a lovely clean potato in my washing machine the other day. And one in a cupboard. The child has a weird obsession with the bloody things!

And they often have bites out of them too!

Haha Beyond

You have long since given up trying to tidy all the toys away after bedtime and instead display some of them artistically on shelves where your glass and ceramic ornaments used to be.

Your dh brings you breakfast in bed. It is toast cut into squares.

You know way more about dinosaurs than you ever wanted to

Beyond, good trick, but wouldn't work at 6am in the morning. I got enough to do getting us out on time.

DS is 26, youngest niece 19, so all this is a distant but happy memory.

But great-nephew is 10m so it's all happening again, and he'll be spoilt rotten in this department!

You think "because you're hungry mummy" is a reasonable answer to "why are you putting a toothbrush/pen/tombliboo down my cleavage?"
You know what a tombliboo is

pigley when DS was a newborn DH woke me up one night trying to burp me in his sleep. That was quite disturbing.

When most of your shopping bill consists of soft, out of season fruit.

When singing in public stops being embarrassing and instead turns into a daily occurrence.

You have no choice but to self-censor your previously 'colourful' language.

You can't have a bath in peace even when you resort to having one at 11pm long after DS has gone to bed. DS, woken by the sounds of the water, walking in grinning and cheerily greeted me with "fuck" (which takes us back to the point above).

You realise the importance of putting stuff away and the scariness of silence.

In relation to the above point, you know how to wash a large quantity of talc out of very thick toddler hair.

You feel a sick sense of smug satisfaction when friends/family members with DC younger than yours enter the toddler phase. Control my child, eh? Bit of a handful, is he? Yours will never do that, will they? Welcome to toddler-armageddon, population: you.

You stop being remotely embarrassed/amused by having to shout "DS WILL YOU PLEASE PUT YOUR WILLY AWAY" for the eight millionth time.

LOL Dipdap

When DS1 was about 2 he took a massive bite out of a leek in Sainsburys. Checkout assistant found it hilarious - I didn't, he bloody stank of raw leek til we got home!

You realise as you are cooked dinner that you never had any lunch
yes, this is me today

cooking* dinner

You're slightly superior colleague asks you to get something from the printer. You shout: "SAY PLEEEEEASE!"

Mine are big teenagers now - this made me laugh! The memories.........

You greet visitors with a shrill and singsongy 'Hiya!' and wave 'Bye Bye' when they leave. The waving and bye byeing lasts at least 3 minutes...

You have a superhuman sense of smell. I find myself constantly on guard for a dirty nappy, even when DS isn't around!

Going grocery shopping on your own is mega-exciting. Then you see other toddlers and babies in the supermarket and wish you had your DC with you.

You can't eat food slowly anymore, it is thrown down your neck as quickly as possible because you're so used to constant interruptions!

You find yourself sniggering in a business meeting when your boss (also the mother of a toddler) uses the expression "You have caused confusion and delay" in the style of the Fat Controller

*you are

You put off going to the supermarket until your dc is with you so you don't have to park in a normal space.

You get out a clutch bag for a night out and find a train ticket from 2007.

You sometimes realise you've just said something in a toddler voice; your mum friends don't even notice, your non-mum friends look at you like you've lost the plot.

Your friend asks if you want to go shopping tomorrow, you say "can't we go to tumble jungle instead?"

When your DP says "careful!" to someone on the tv. (just happened!)

You are comfortable announcing in a loud voice "I'm going for a wee-wee, does anyone else need to come with me for a wee-wee?"
Thankfully DH hasn't taken me up on it yet