You know you have a toddler when...

[Psammead]

You have to stop in the street when you see a bus for a quiet but rousing verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus'.

You accidentely bash the cat over the head, and then watch it for a few fretful seconds to see if it will burst into tears.

You have to resist the urge to clap and congratulate others on mundane achievements such as eating up all their din-dins.

You say din-dins.

You refer to yourself in the third person. This is the preserve of toddler-parents and psychopaths. This may or may not be a coincidence.

You decide that you prefer the skirting board coloured-in.

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

You are singing Elmo's song, complete with jazz hands at 6am on a Sunday.

[mumofthreekids]

When looking for any important missing item (phone, wallet, keys etc), you know to check in the oven, microwave and bin.

[scotlass]

You see other people laughing as you wander around a shop having a very serioous conversation with your 2.5 year old as to why he shouldn't be worried (new word of the day)

You're constantly biting your tongue to say nothing when visiting your friend with their gorgeous 6mth old pfb

Your parents buy you a hand eld hoover in sympathy after realising you have to hoover the couch / floor after every jacobs bloody cream cracker snack as they disintegrate and spread everywhere and DH got the hoover out in front of them 5 times lazy cow I am leaves it till DS goes to bed

[BoffinMum]

When you push the supermarket trolley forwards as your toddler attempts to push it backwards from the other end yelling "You are smelly, Mummy, you are rubbish!" because it was November and you suggested wearing sunglasses at dusk might affect his vision negatively.

[SlugsAndSnails]

Such phrases as 'no the cat doesn't want to eat marmite' and 'try using a spoon to eat yoghurt instead of a carrot' are so frequently used they seem normal.

The first place you look for things you swear you had 5 seconds ago is either the bin or the washing machine.

You wish you could either properly explain why or change the fact that the moon isn't out tonight rather than just saying that Granny's borrowed it

[InWithTheITCrowd]

You always carry emergency raisins

[Stephb88]

You buy sticky, colourful dots for your kitchen in the hopes to resemble something nice and bright like Mr Tumbles spotty kitchen

Your home isn't a home anymore. It looks more like a daycare centre.

You drive in summer, windows down blarring "hotdog, hotdog, hot diggidy dog", singing along, dancing and aren't embarrassed.

You actually start to talk like a toddler yourself when speaking to family members. In texts you write "Dowee?" instead of "What are you doing?"

[petalbud]

You can spot puddles, in the distance.
If you see wipes, you buy another pack, just in case.
Quiver at the sight of pens.

[ProjectGainsborough]

You find yourself sucking the dirt off a dropped lolly to clean it... then realise that you are outside.

[ShipsCat]

You have a conversation with said toddler about the poo- poo snake in the potty and agree that, yes, it does have eyes and yes, you can see them, because it's easier than arguing...

[JanetPlanet]

You automatically put lighters/scissors/knives out of reach when you visit your non-parent friends

[inmysparetime]

Angeldog they're not scrapers or planers, they're graders (to take up the surface) and pavers (to lay the new surface)!
Usborne "trucks, cranes and diggers" says so, so ner

[pigleychez]

Your singing Nursery rhymes to the children sitting in the trolley whilst going round the supermarket. Only for an old work acquaintance to tap you on the shoulder to say Hello and tell you your 'such an earth mother'

You happily talk about bodily functions in public

[microserf]

your entire morning routine on thursdays is based around the estimated arrival time of the rubbish truck. when it arrives, you shout "thank you for taking our rubbish" to the rubbish men .

you patiently explain that the local park is shut at 5am, 5:15am, 5:30am and 5:35am. also at 5:36am, 5:37am and 5:39am. finally, in desperation, you explain it is full of foxes eating rubbish at night and only opens for children later. you feel reasonably proud of yourself for this cunning wheeze until dd begins having recurring nightmares about foxes in her room. eating rubbish.

[SirBoobAlot]

You are taken completely off gaurd if every comment you make is not immediately responded to with "Whhhhy". And are also slightly disappointed - you had an awesome reply ready.
You find yourself really hoping for Balamory this morning, because if you have to watch Cat in the goddamned fucking shitty had one more time...
You can speak fluent toddler, and regularly act as translator for less educated people.
You have given up protesting that your breasts belong to you, and have accepted they are, in fact, called "milk".
You pray for roadworks, cranes, tractors. And can draw them to toddler standards on demand.

[mauwmauw]

you panic when out because you can't play small potatoes on your phone as you are not connected to wifi and when it does work you scream yay in the middle of the cafe! Then proceed to sing the theme tune extremely loudly and wonder why the hell people are staring at you.

you hear a strange scraping sound on the wooden floor and find a ten pound note being used to clean it.

your slippers are a storing place for everything including the water bottle :o

[AngelDog]

inmysparetime, well our Dorling Kindersley truck book says that there are graders (for levelling the surface), scrapers (scraping up the old tarmac) and pavers (for putting down new tarmac) so ner to you too.

We've seen the scraper and paver working together, but my mother insists that the scraper is actually called a planer. Unfortunately when I asked the workmen the noise of the machinery drowned out the actual answer.

@ microserf

You start to believe that 'owie owie' is a genuine word in the English language and have virtually stopped saying 'hurt'.

Even when you have visitors in the house it rarely occurs to you that you could/should close the bathroom door whilst on the loo.

You can supply the whole of a conversation based on a monosyllabic utterance by your DC and determine with precision exactly which conversation is being referred to, despite the initial utterance sounding identical.

e.g.

Uh-oh lie = commenting on an emergency vehicle without lights flashing

Uh-oh lie = discussion about a replacement skip not having any lights

Uh-oh lie = you're being reprimanded for having once sung the wrong words to a song about ambulances

Uh-oh lie = discussion about different types of car headlights/rear lights/brake lights.

[TartyMcFarty]

I found myself blowing soap bubbles in the bath last night for my own amusement!

[Antidote]

You and Dh find yourself playing peepo around the fridge when making supper, long after ds has gone to bed!

[dawntigga]

You have to pick the breakfast cereal out of the shower before turning it on.

HasEnjoyedThisThreadTiggaxx

[wildstrawberryplace]

You automatically check your shoes before putting them on for lego and bits of manky banana or lost library cards.

[MsBrian]

I'm doing about 80% of all that....
I'm keeping this thread

[PenguinArmy]

you get very annoyed that different playgroups don't have the same words to songs

you accept you have to narrate your toilet trip, even when guests are in the house.

yy to the running commentary of the baby, we get shouts of 'cry cry cry' when DS is err crying.

[EasilyDistracted77]

You start to wonder whether counting '1.....2......3' will also work on your colleagues when they are not listening to you properly, and you have had to repeat yourself for the 6th time.

You feel disappointed when you see a helicopter/massive crane/giant puddle and you realise that your toddler is not there to appreciate it; you get out your phone to take a picture of it to show them later.

Loving this thread, it has had me chuckling away!