You know you have a toddler when...

[Psammead]

You have to stop in the street when you see a bus for a quiet but rousing verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus'.

You accidentely bash the cat over the head, and then watch it for a few fretful seconds to see if it will burst into tears.

You have to resist the urge to clap and congratulate others on mundane achievements such as eating up all their din-dins.

You say din-dins.

You refer to yourself in the third person. This is the preserve of toddler-parents and psychopaths. This may or may not be a coincidence.

You decide that you prefer the skirting board coloured-in.

From late september until around easter, your jeans have pockets assigned for tissues at different stages of snot infestation:
Back left - clean
Front right - used, but still some soak-age left
Back right - saturated, throw away when next in vicinity of a bin

There is a tea towel and packet of wipes in every room

You fully realise the folly of buying nice non-flat packed furniture for the first time when you were pregnant

That land-line phones have a lock suddenly makes sense

You can identify various household objects purely by the sound they make when they fall/are dropped on the floor

pasta yes! never understood the need for a lock function on the house phone, now its essential - that and a loud speaker for when dd decides its her turn on the phone to granny, daddy or her auntie (who is only 5 months older than her so conversations are hilarious!!)

Happydogsaddog That's my favourite baby book, I was looking for a copy to buy a friend, guess how much they're selling for new?

guess it's out of print!

I recently discovered the phone lock too, after she phoned a very grumpy man.

Your rare, weekend bath is interrupted by a toddler who comes in to tell you "I'm going to chat nicely, tell you a story and do a poo-poo" and you don't even mind :o

You reach in your bag for your purse and pull out Emily the Tank Engine instead.

You unself-consciously tell a story featuring the Toy Story cast, complete with voices, as you make your way around Asda. Anything for a scream-free shopping trip!

Most of your chocolate consumption is done after the kids are in bed, so you can feel like less of a hypocrite for rationing chocolate buttons and for eating entire box of Lindor in one sitting with DH

The DVD cabinet is sellotaped shut, also the top of the fish tank too!

You can cook quite complicated meals with someone hanging onto your leg and screaming at you.

Having initially been charmed by Tinga Tinga Tales, you secretly wish that Lion would just fucking well get on with eating all the other animals, and that horrible things would also happen to Abney and bloody Teal. And that Captain Barnacles would suddenly remember he's a polar bear and therefore a terrifying carnivore.

You walk into the posh Farrow and Ball shop with your posh handbag to order some posh paint - and have to pull a manky stinky cow toy out of your bag to get to your purse to pay!

You can tell any of about 30 favourite books without looking at them any more
The bin men wave at you, even when you're on your own.
You've spent so many hours standing watching the diggers that a builder gives your child a toy digger he brought from home
You know the difference between a bulldozer, a backhoe loader, and several different types of crane and tell adults about them
Someone points out that you have snot on your shoulder and you have no desire to change into a clean top.

you put your hand in your coat pocket and pull out soggy monster munch

DC are in bed and you are still watching cbeebies

You drive for thirty minutes with the action songs cd on before realizing you're child-free and the CD has just imprinted on your sub conscious to the point you dont even notice its on! (really high pitched rendition three blind mice)
You talk in a shrill voice to work colleagues

when you see a tractor/digger/police car without dc you feel like it is a real waste

when dc fall over and scream, you check for blood and then sort of lose interest if there isn't any

the same thing that you found quite amusing at about 11 o'clock in the morning, reduces you to quivering wreck by about 7. nice consistent parenting for the dc there then.

You experience the emotions of frustration, anger, fear, total love, sympathy and joy in the space of about one minute. I've never felt so Jekyll & Hyde emotionally.

You think nothing of finding a poo flung over the stairgate

On the rare occasion that you go to a supermarket without them, you find yourself rocking the trolley back and forth every time you stop to look at something for a minute.

you no longer carry a handbag, but take a Thomas The Tank back pack with you everywhere.

you receive a text with a pic of a poo in a potty...

You point out moo cos, baa lambs and tractor when you're giving your boss a lift to the station and ds is still at nursery.....and she's not even remotely surprised!

You hope that your posh handbag makes you look vaugely stylish seeing as the rest of your outfit has snot/biscuit goo/both stuck to the front of it....

You've finally started to 'get' abney and teal and quite like that one of the characters is a turnip!

On the rare occasions you are child free for the day, you find yourself pottering around the house 'just in case she wakes up in a minute'

Your washing up consists of half a dozen sippy cups, a couple of toy plastic kitchen utensils, an ibruprofen syringe thing and a plastic biro covered doll

You definitely can't poo in peace :) and when you've finished you can't wipe in peace either for a little one repeating "look at mummy's poo......errrr mummies poo stinks" then running off and leaving the door open!

you slow down long before the level crossing hoping that the lights will come on so you can stop and see the trains

(previously used to road through unless barrier was actually down...)

-you will clean a dummy from practically any surface by putting it in your own mouth.

-you've gone from sheer panic everytime they bang their head to expecting it at the smallest perceived slight, including flinging themselves backwards onto concrete.

-NOTHING at work can wind you up, you're in a serene bubble well past the state of having any nerves.

-you kno that 'ba' 'buh' 'beebees' 'bee' and 'ba-be' are all wods in their own right, and understand them. (book, bus, ceebeebies, bottle, baby)