You know you have a toddler when...

[Psammead]

You have to stop in the street when you see a bus for a quiet but rousing verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus'.

You accidentely bash the cat over the head, and then watch it for a few fretful seconds to see if it will burst into tears.

You have to resist the urge to clap and congratulate others on mundane achievements such as eating up all their din-dins.

You say din-dins.

You refer to yourself in the third person. This is the preserve of toddler-parents and psychopaths. This may or may not be a coincidence.

You decide that you prefer the skirting board coloured-in.

You whistfully reminisce about the days when you could just put them in a push chair/ car seat/ high chair without bribery or force.

You spend every evening after DS's bedtime exhausted watching crap TV and being online, sometimes trying to remember what life was like before DS and you spent the evenings on the many hobbies you're now too tired for.

You get really excited when the new Peppa Pig DVD comes come. (Next one is coming out in March according to Amazon.)

DS is watching Justin's House while guests are present and you embarrass yourself by squealing, "Ooo! Mr Bloom! Mr Bloom's in Justin House! I love Mr Bloom!" And then you have to explain, "Mr Bloom is a guy on CBeebies whose friends are vegetables."

You sing nursery rhymes to the trolley the one time you go food shopping alone.

The most prominent features of your mental map of your home town are the building sites, fire stations and the soft play centre.

Your much-loved trendy handbag languishes in a cupboard while you tote assorted toys, books, snacks and nappies around in a backpack.

You do a superman-style change of clothes in the work toilets every day as you get reay to pick up said small person.

You automatically sit of the floor in any gathering of people.

Anything you put into your handbag comes out covered in glitter (residues from the endless glitter sticking pictures at nursery).
You get on the train alone and get very disconcerted because you don't have to simultaneously remove child's coat, stop him from running away and produce book/toy/other distraction in the same thirty seconds.

Yes, Seeyouentea! DS has started banging his forehead on the pavement when he takes a street tantrum. I was horrified the first time he did it but I'm not phased now, I just remind him how silly he was to do it.

I was sent this earlier today, why having a toddler is like being at a party:

10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.

1. There?s always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.

1. It?s best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.

1. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone?s going to start banging on the door.

1. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA.

1. You?ve got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.

1. There?s definitely going to be a fight.

1. You?re not sure whether anything you?re doing is right, you just hope it won?t get you arrested.

1. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.

1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.

When watching I'm a celebrity you have to pause the tv to check the squeaky noise wasn't dc whimpering mummy over the monitor.

When you get excited about the newest Disney princess (rapunzel) being inaugurated at Kensington palace last month and devastated when you realise you can't go because it's dh's birthday.

AKMD what is that sitting on the floor all about? So true.

Cbear, that's just genius .
I can very vaguely remember parties like that, but every day with InsaneToddler aka DS3 ticks every box in your post.

When you happily wash the same sodding 'Mariokart' t-shirt every night to avoid major melt-downs in the morning over its unavailableness

You read mention of Chocolate on thread on MN and realise that there's half a packet in your bag somewhere so have to get up and find them

You always wait for the green man, Even at 2 am with nothing on the road like I did on Friday after a night out .

You develop unknown super-human abilities and you now

• smell a dirty nappy through two closed doors
• sense where a lost toy might have got to and find it to placate bawling child who hid it there in the first place
• move at lightning speed to catch falling toddler (or not)
• assess in an instant whether food that's fallen on the floor can still be eaten
• see in the dark to avoid child related obstacles esp small pieces of Lego
• know when silence means disaster or silence means toddlers are happily sitting and drawing on the wallpaper
• extract small objects from even smaller orifices
• have eyes in the back of your head and can 'see' that older child has just pushed younger child, so you tell off older one accordingly

...

You and your DH use your toddler phrases alk the time 'oh no!' 'oh dear!'

Your handbag is not small anymore and looks like a house. In mine I'll usually find a toddler shoe, a soft toy, half eaten apple, open packet of biscuits, note pad and colouring pens, muslin square...

So many of these are so true, I'm always disappointed when I see an ambulance/fire engine or rubbish lorry when DS isn't with me.

When you're at work and you announce that you're off to do a wee-wee. First you stop and consider the wisdom of using the word wee-wee and then you wonder why you didn't just get up and go without the announcement at all.

You have been ordered to make it snow! Now!
Your iPad screen is smeared with snot.
You possess an unreasonable amount of odd socks in small sizes.

When playing hide and seek you hide in quite a difficult to find spot so you can get a few minutes to yourself.

youbethemummylion, I have definitely done that!

You switch the telly on & get half way through an episode of Imagination Movers/Dora the Explorer/Ben & Holly before you realise that the toddler is at pre-school & you are compleetly alone in the house.

The word 'No' is only understood when they say it!

You find random dust covered bits of food (usually cheerios & raisins) & old dried up wet wipes in your handbag. (Which fall out everywhere in Tesco while you are searching for your purse which has been emptied of all it's cards & cash & has fridge magnets & crayons in it....Tesco don't accept crayola as a form of payment!)

You can tell elaborate lies with no forethought whatsoever - "we can't watch CBeebies, Mr Tumble was feeling poorly because Katy made too many cakes so they've all gone to bed early".

You don't need to actually watch your newborn as her entire move will be reported on in minute detail - "Mama, she's been sick! ... She's poo'd, Urg baby you stink .... She's asleep now oh no! She's crying!"

Strangers know the ins and outs of your most private moments because you have the world's smallest gossip living with you.

It takes longer to remove the toys from the bath than it does to actually fill it with hot water so you just leave them in there, rubber ducky anyone?

You invest in a king-size bed because making room for him is easier than taking him back to his own bed over and over again.

when someone hands you change in a shop you say 'taaa'

You argue with other adults as to whether road building machines are classed as planers or scrapers.

The most frequently used phrases in your house include 'derailment' and 'bridge collapse'.

Your nappy bag has 5 half-eaten apples at the bottom.

Every sentence starts with "No Darling, the dog doesn't..."

Examples:

• want baby lotion rubbing on his back
• want baby Annabell's bottle in his mouth
• want his nappy changing
• want to be ridden around the living room
• want to be spoonfed your yoghurt - Oh actually yes he does! You just shouldn't be doing it!!!!

You stop drinking as you just couldn't handle a hangover and looking after children the next day

You sniff bums for poo without batting an eyelid

You are capable of having a serious conversation about which CBeebies presenter is the sexiest (that would be Sid, obviously)

You cut up grapes to make sure that noone chokes - including your 42 year old sister

Yes to the smallest gossip.

'Mummy did a poo poo!' to packed church at the very quietest bit anyone?

You feel unbridled joy at the sight of a tractor in real life, even when it is blocking the road and making you late for an important meeting.

your Amazon recommendations indicate that you are some sort of train spotting, tractor obsessed weirdo.

All you want for Christmas is a new series of Octonauts - if I have to feign hin any of the current set one more time, I'll be taken away to the funny farm in a Gup faster than a bunch of munchy crunchy carrots